My initial thought going into the third episode of Love & Hip Hop Hollywood was “Who will Teairra Mari terrorize this week?” I immediately wondered whether or not I was being too harsh. Yeah, I wasn’t. She’s Michigan’s answer to the Tasmanian Devil and can be a whole lot to deal with depending on her alcohol level.
To be fair, though, bitches do provoke her.
Enter Ray J, who stormed into the tattoo parlor with a box full of clothes and feminine products and proceeded to dump them in her face and in front of her friends. You can tell by the childish smirk on his face that he was all too pleased with his attempt at publicly embarrassing her. After making the quip about her badly needing her case of Monistat, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Teairra mushed the shit out of Brandy’s brother and was ready to knock him smooth out for trying to humiliate her. I don’t condone Teairra’s violence, but why would a 33-year-old man carry on like this?
Ray J claims he’s “so upset” because Teairra Mari “disrespected his party.” In real life, his equally clownish girlfriend walked up to Teairra with the sole intention of provoking her to act out.
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In the midst of their altercation, Hazel-E, intervened to get Ray J out of the tattoo shop despite Teairra insulting her mere moments prior. As she explained in the confessional, “Me and Te-Te got into it tonight, but that don’t mean I’mma let some dumb ass hasbeen come up in here and turn up on my girl.” This is the kind of friendship Mila J describes in her new single “My Main,” y’all.
It can be a beautiful thing, but the problem with Teairra Mari and Hazel-E’s relationship is that it is like so many other industry friendships: Their asses really don’t like each other. That’s why it wasn’t long before Teairra and Hazel almost came to blows, too.
Teairra is upset that Hazel tried to take her moment away from her—i.e. the let’s replace this stupid Ray J tat under my tit with another that’s just as senseless moment—by bringing up her situation with Yung Berg, which Teairra finds irrelevant and incomparable. Meanwhile, Hazel feels Teairra is a narcissist who only wants to talk about Ray J despite her dumping him several months ago.
Let’s unravel this.
fighting over who mattered more to Ray J or Yung Berg has to be top five saddest things on TV ever.
Hazel on her thing with Berg: "I'm his bitch for real. Like... I'm his bitch. It's everything. It's no title on it. Because me and him, like..."
Translation: My legs have opened for him and now my heart has, too, which has since clouded my brain to the point where I cannot accept that this man only wants me for one thing—and I hate that Teairra Mari reminds me of this.
As for Teairra, she could stand to be more sympathetic, but when you’re carrying that much hate in your heart, it’s difficult to provide that—especially towards someone you don’t appear to like that much. And whew, mama is vicious with the verbiage. She tried to scalp Hazel-E bald when she sarcastically said she salutes her for being a 34-year-old rapper who can’t rap but is still trying.
Regardless, fighting over who mattered more to Ray J or Yung Berg has to be top five saddest things on TV ever.
If nothing else, at least we got to see Teairra actually working. Teairra Mari has a bunch of quality bird bops. She better take this on screen anger and channel it into becoming the Crime Mob of R&B. I’d support that on iTunes.
And I assume that mama either has no driver’s license or she got a DUI and that thing is suspended because she stays being chauffeured by UberX.
Moving on to other women in peril, Teddy Riley’s daughter Nia really needs to get a grip with respect to her relationship with Soulja Boy. This young lady revealed that she spent eight years trying to figure out if she can trust him. Teddy, I know you likely taught your kids how to JAM oh, JAM), but did you make sure she learned anything else through her K-12 years?
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As for that random and purportedly impromptu Soulja Boy birthday party that Nia “surprisingly” walked into: Producers, y’all have got to lie better. The lighting was off and Soulja Boy looked way too under the influence to deliver his lines properly.
But let me just say this about Soulja Boy always brushing off Nia’s critiques with cries of dodging “negativity”: The dumber, responsibility ducking wing of Blackness loves to dismiss criticism with "stop bringing up negativity." Quit it.
Then there are the B2K boys, Omarion and Fizz. Omarion’s mama is a 45-year-old woman (through a Colt 45 filter?) who expects her son to monetarily support her due to some health problems. I don’t know her situation, but I do know she’s healthy enough to curse Omarion’s pregnant girlfriend out, so at the very least she’s capable of being some company’s attitudinal customer service rep.
And Mama O: When you say, "I wasted blood, sweat, and tears raising him,” you do grasp that Omarion didn’t ask to be born, so you were just doing the job you signed up for, right?
Now Moniece: She behaves as if she’s missing half the burger, most of the fries, and the toy out of her Happy Meal. What she does have, though, is a nice weave so I’m not interested in hearing her whines about not being able to provide for her son with Fizz.
Lastly, for this love triangle populated by the three people we’ve never heard of:
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Who thought we would care about two annoying woman fighting over a man that looks like a hit-less DJ Khaled post-Biggest Loser season? I didn’t a give damn yesterday, I don’t give a damn today, and I won’t give a damn next week.
Speaking of, see y’all next week.
Michael Arceneaux hails from Houston, lives in Harlem, and praises Beyoncé’s name wherever he goes. Follow him @youngsinick.
