Look at Justin Timberlake's face. It is a perfect specimen of the human form. Someday, when aliens rummage through the detritus of our long-dead civilization, let's hope they find a picture of that perfect face—perhaps the unimpeachably perfect one that covers GQ's most recent "Men of the Year" issue—so they know just how perfect our generally imperfect society could be.
Why is Justin Timberlake's face perfect? Well, good genes probably, as well as access to the best cosmetic resources money can buy. But also because Justin Timberlake refuses to not be perfect. He needs to be the best. That GQ cover story just happens to mention Justin's ability to sink three-point shots from half court in dress shoes, as well as his pre-show rituals, which are engineered to deliver a perfect performance (more on that later). Also noted: He's funny enough to get a whole week with Jimmy Fallon on Late Night and charming enough to get Michelle Obama to sing along with him at the White House.
And yet you people still insist on pooping on his face. At least, that's the word from JT.
"I feel—literally—like a bunch of people just took a shit on my face," is the quote that opens the GQ story, immediately raising several questions: Why does Justin Timberlake literally feel this way? Has he literally had his face pooped on? Was said pooping malicious, or was it a sexual experiment—like the many euphemistically alluded to on his recent pair of albums—gone awry? Also: Why do you people keep pooping on Justin? Do you not know perfection when you see it, in the form of both that face and JT's recent movie with Ben Affleck, Runner Runner?
Here's why JT feels all Poo & Tie: Billboard didn't have very nice things to say about The 20/20 Experience: Part 2 of 2, and Variety ran an op-ed about why he should stop acting after Runner Runner grossed less than $8 million its opening weekend. And here's what he has to say about it:
The movie didn't do well at the box office, so I should quit? Hold on a second. If I was somebody else, you wouldn't have said that. I have the number one album this week, and I shouldn't have released it? Come on, man. You sound like a dickhead ... It just shocked me because, like, you're trade magazines. None of your opinions count. And by the way, none of you can do it.
That's right. Trade magazines. From dying industries, one might add. Pretty much the last place you're gonna find perfection.
Look, what kind of quality journalism has ever come from calling Justin Timberlake less than perfect? Sure, there are a few hack jobs and tabloid hit pieces out there, but, come on, this guy is charming as shit. And seriously, do you know how hard it is being Justin Timberlake?
Here's his pre-show routine, per the story: He goes to bed early so he'll be able to hit his vocal range the next day. He keeps talking to a minimum the day of. He begins warming up two hours before the show. He meditates, stretches and dances to get his heart rate up. He gets his blood pumping "all the way to [his] fingertips." He takes a shot of his own brand of tequila.
This guy does all that, puts out two platinum albums in the same year, delivers a 20-minute performance at the VMAs, goes on tour with Jay Z, gets nominated for an Emmy for his appearance on "Saturday Night Live" and will almost definitely win a trophy case full of Grammys, and two fucking trade magazines have the goddamn temerity to criticize him? What more do these people want? And now he has to wipe all this poop off his magnificent face? Oh, they want him to be less perfect? They're annoyed because the dude who drinks a shot of tequila before he goes onstage is like a person that advertisers make up? What, they think just any dude can be the perfect brand ambassador for any brand? Get all the way the fuck out of here and go shit on your own faces, critics.
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