Date: July 24
Does Frank Ocean own Microsoft Office Suite? It wouldn't be surprising if he didn't. It's an expensive bundle of software, and he probably wouldn't need most of what it can do. Why would Frank Ocean need to make a PowerPoint presentation? (Though, when you think about it, a Frank Ocean-curated PowerPoint presentation would destroy.) Of course, he may have a friend enrolled in a university, and college kids can usually get the software for cheap through some special arrangement between their school and Microsoft. If he had a friend like this, then it wouldn't be unreasonable for him to have access to Microsoft Office, in which case he could use Microsoft Word.
Anyhoo, Frank Ocean, a sweet prince if there ever was one, ethered the ever-loving hell out of Chris Brown using Microsoft Word's Text Edit this past week. It was the computer software equivalent of stopping at a red light in the year 2000 and turning up the volume on Ja Rule's "Fuck You" from your burned copy of Rule 3:36. It was the computer software equivalent of telling your Keyboarding instructor to stop looking at you like that, because when you make it, you're gonna pay people to type your AIM conversations for you while you listen to Fat Joe and Ashanti's "What's Love?" (Because that'll always be your favorite song, even when you're really old, like 28).
Who uses Microsoft Word's Text Edit besides your grandparents? Why does Frank Ocean use it? Maybe he prefers the application's super-clean look, as compared to that of other word processing applications? We'll probably never know. Just like we'll probably never know what his "Versace" remix verse sounds like BECAUSE FRANK OCEAN HASN'T RECORDED IT YET. HE JUST POSTED THE LYRICS.
Miles Davis, the jazz musician, was cool, in part because he would do things like perform with his back to the audience. Frank Ocean is cool because he doesn't even record his best music.
Note: A person's music automatically becomes their best music when its content intends to hurt the feelings of the human-shaped garbage thing that is Chris Brown.
The lyrics to Frank Ocean's "Versace" verse, which he posted to his Tumblr page, made me fall out of my bed at 11:34 p.m. on a Wednesday night for a couple reasons. One, he rubs his shiny Grammy in the garbage monster's face. Two, he strings together a list of excellent people as a way of championing good things, and four of those people are women (Marina Abramovic, Madonna Louise Ciccone, Beyonce Knowles-Carter, and Donatella Versace). Three, he made a reference to Formula 1. I don't even understand Formula 1, and I find that special.
And then, just because he's cool, he admits to wearing some Dickies that he bought for 30 euros. Versace? He's not even into that.
Burned, everything and all of us. —Ross Scarano