Over the years, J. Cole has stolen many things: The hearts of millions, Kanye's release date (Born Sinner, in stores June 18!), and—not surprisingly—your girl. Over and over again, Cole has had his way with her: He's crushed on her and subsequently crushed her; he's paid attention to your girl when you couldn't be bothered. Cole, like most young rappers, isn't really a tough guy. So one way to talk tough without having to be gangster is to claim you can steal someone's girl, which is pretty cool and doesn't have to be violent.
When you (all of you) were away, Cole and his eyebrows stuck around, only getting more comfortable. You're probably angry, but you probably need proof. So, Complex hired the best private eyes around—ItsTheReal's Eric and Jeff Rosenthal—to go through A History of J. Cole Rapping About Stealing Your Girl. Enjoy? Enjoy!
Written by Eric Rosenthal & Jeff Rosenthal (@ItsTheReal)
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"If real recognize real, y'all are foreign/My team run a play on your bitch and we all scoring, yeah!"
"The flows get tighter, them hoes get looser/Then they wanna seduce ya like Medusa, be cool/I said I got a girl, she told me, "Me too!"/So that must mean you want a nigga to eat that seafood/Baby don't be foolish but call her I'll watch her do it."
"I'mma follow in my car; I'mma cut in front of his/Run him right into the wall, maybe even off the bridge/I give her a little time, then console her while she crying/She gon' take that as a sign; finally she will be mine."
"Seems like I always had crushes on chicks I couldn't have/And then I end up fucking with someone I shouldn't have."
"Yeah, you swear your girl is faithful; everything ain't what it seems/See, I seen how she glance and look away like she want it/I ain't saying I'mma fuck her, but I could if I wanted."
"Cause man they keep on checking for me especially all your hoes, nigga/Catch me on your doorstep you see me let me in."
Song: "Beautiful Bliss" (2009)
Album: Attention Deficit
Looks like Cole's looking for hoes on housecalls now. Honestly, Mr. Cole might have a prostitution problem, but as long as Mr. C's doing it in the privacy of—hm, that nickname seems natural and not-at-all created just to make this very lame joke. What a weird coincidence!
"Fayettenam on my back like some scratches from your lady/On your mattress where they gave me that/I bet niggas can't wait to pay me back."
"Yeah, she said I got a man/Well baby I don't give a fuck."
"I hit her til she snooze, like the news nigga nightly/Send her back to you when she no longer excites me/Now she bitter with this nigga cuz he ain't quite me."
Song: "The Autograph" (2010)
Album: Friday Night Lights
Hmmm... I'm honestly not sure what the return policy is, Mr. Cole. And you say, "no longer excites me" is your reason for return? I mean, for computers, camcorders, digital cameras, digital music players, e-tablets, e-readers, portable video players, GPS units, video game hardware, pre-paid cell phones, and post-paid cell phones, you can return them within two weeks if you have a receipt. But this is a... human woman? Hold on, I need to call for a manager.
"Late night, with ya wife in ya crib sneaker/When you out of town, and you not around."
Song: "Relaxation" (2010)
Album: Higher Learning Vol. 2
This is straight out of the music video for R. Kelly's "Down Low," with J. Cole playing the part of R. Kelly, the straight-laced, good-looking low-man-on-the-totem pole under Mr. Biggs. Important quotes from the music video include: Biggs imploring Kelly to take Biggs' wife out, "Take her shopping, give her anything she wants, but you are never to touch her." When Kelly assures him everything is copacetic, Biggs replies, "Don't fuck me, Kelly." He doesn't; he fucks Biggs' wife. If Cole doesn't incorporate a "Down Low" video reenactment into his live show, we're all fucked.
"How you figure it's gon' last? He just sit up on his ass/And play that damn Xbox that you copped for him/Buyou, buyou, how much to try you?/Ain't sayin you for sale but baby let's be for real/Buyou, buyou, shit that I could buy you."
Song: "Buyou" (2010)
Album: No Boys Allowed
So while you play your XBox, J. Cole plays with your ex-bo...nevermind. I was going to say it, but at the last second, I was just like: nope.
"Heard you looking for trouble, what, I'm supposed to run?/Yo bitch invited me inside her, ain't I supposed to cum?"
Song: "Looking For Trouble" (2010)
Album: Friday Night Lights
Attention all sixth grade health class students, I'm your substitute teacher, Mr. Cole. Here now, is your year's worth of curriculum in eleven words...
"Uh, what up girl, tell me how you feeling/You look sweet enough to make a nigga need a filling/If you got a man, do that nigga need a fill-in?"
Song: "Higher" (2010)
Album: Friday Night Lights
Let's all agree that there's no one you'd rather have steal your girl than J. Cole. He's charming, he's polite, he's fun, he's cool, and in this instance, he's very proper. Instead of barging in and dragging your girl off like some caveman, he inquires as to whether or not he may step in to have this dance. And by "dance," Cole means engage in unique kinds of sexual relations with this girl while her sucker of a man wonders why life dealt him such a crappy card. After all is said and done, Cole tips his hat, extends his hand, bids his lady adieu, and helps an elderly woman across the street.
"Do you get brains? Did you make the honor roll?/Don't worry about your man baby, he ain't gotta know."
Song: "Higher" (2010)
Album: Friday Night Lights
You have no idea what your girl is up to: not only is she cheating on you with J. Cole (yes, the rapper J. Cole), but she's getting her hair and nails done and putting on nice clothes and coming home at weird hours. You don't notice anything, maybe you guys were never dating and you never knew it.
"She let that nigga make it rain, but guess who got it wetter?"
"I'm witcha girl, you home alone, bitch you Macauley Culkin."
Song: "Fitted Cap" (2011)
Album: Self Made Vol. 1
Bummer. J. Cole's giving your girl the 'wet bandit' treatment and all you can do is AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
"She had a man, I be damned, think I might love her/Thought about her ass for the whole damn summer/Man I even memorized her whole damn number/This is my semester dog, I'm coming to arrest her/Y'all you know, handcuff her, her ex-man, fuck him."
"Not because his verse or cause I can buy purse/you know the type of shit that your man can only purchase on the first/And not because he faker than turf/Softer than Nerf footballs/I got his girl's lip gloss all on my girth."
"I ain't bitter boy, that's all you/Plus I just fucked her before she called you."
Song: "God's Gift" (2011)
Album: Cole World: The Sideline Story
Wait... how long before she called me? Like, 3 years before she called me? Cool. 3 months before she called me? I mean, okay, I guess. 3 weeks before she called me? Less okay. 3 hours before she called me? Well that's just not nice. But, like, RIGHT BEFORE she called me, like 3 minutes before?? The only way that that's okay is if she butt-dialed me. Only then is all forgiven.
"Cole world, same nigga that used to drive around with yo girl."
Song: "Rise and Shine" (2011)
Album: Cole World: The Sideline Story
There are many advantages to carpooling: it's environmentally friendly, it reduces fuel costs per person, and it means less traffic on the roads. Oh, and it's code for J. Cole riding your girl.
"Nigga how high? So high that I could touch the sky/How sick? so sick that I could fuck yo bitch/Nigga please, my squad stack plenty of G's/And if your girl like to smoke we got plenty of trees."
"Hey, as the troubles of the world unfurl, my niggas hit the trees like squirrels/Trying to get a nut with your girl."
"And my hoes is thicker, and all of yours is picking me."
Song: "Rise and Shine" (2011)
Album: Cole World: The Sideline Story
If I understand this correctly—and maybe I don't—Cole claims to have a stable of thick hoes, but he's bragging about winning over the non-thick hoes you call your own. This is some playground bully behavior. I would never want to hang out with this guy in elementary school. His thick hoes, sure, but not him.
"Well it's cool, I'll pick you up/Hold you down, lift you up/These other niggas try and fuck/I'm the only one who cut and still came back to stitch you up/So we fuck, say what?/You ain't been home lately, you ain't heard that nigga/Her man left cause she cheated on his ass."
Song: "Pray" (2012)
Album: Jesus Piece
Her man left because of you, Cole! It's your fault! No remorse. Cold world.
"I went to school with niggas, snatched they bitch then tutor niggas."
"I'm in your city and I'm wondering if you're home now/Went and found a man, but I'm hopin' you alone now."
Song: "Power Trip" (2013)
Album: Born Sinner
And if you're not alone, then hey, he can watch, right? What's the likelihood that he's a J. Cole fan and would accept an autograph in exchange for a bed sesh? Even just to shake his hand, oh man, what a dream as J. Cole's having sex three feet away. Maybe Cole would talk about his new album, out in stores on June 18th, and whether or not he's worried about being outsold by Kanye or even Mac Miller. Well, I guess that's all for now. Goodnight, diary!
"Fucked yo bitch, nigga I ain't ask/She pitched it to me like Sosa (Oh God)/What the fuck was I supposed do?/Deny that, rather try that, but I never fly that."
"Picture me at the tip-top/With your bitch lip-locked on my dick when my shit drop."
"Had a nigga baby, little mans don't know/Mama was a freak, got it laying on the low/10 years later when my song come on he like, 'Mama, did you fuck J. Cole?' Whoa."
Song: "Trouble" (2013)
Album: Born Sinner
Dear future child (or children) of J. Cole... Please know that J. Cole and your mother never had any thought you'd find out this way. (Truthfully, they never had any thoughts that there'd be a you at all). Please know that Cole loved your mother a lot (that one night), and that he respected her a great deal (enough to not mention her name in his lyrics). Please know that this is no reflection on you (other than when you look in the mirror), and you should be extremely proud of the smart, thoughtful, and kind person you've become (EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT YOU'RE A 10-YEAR-OLD ASKING YOUR MOTHER, "DID YOU FUCK J. COLE?"!!!). Good luck with the rest of life, kid(s).