15 Horrible Songs on Classic Rap Albums

When something is so close to perfect, any flaws can be a real show-stopper.

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Complex Original

Image via Complex Original

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When something is so close to perfect, any flaws can be a real show-stopper, much like a beautiful girl who just happens to have a third ear. Same thing applies to these 15 classic hip-hop albums, all of which contain one serious buzzkill track that temporarily ruins whatever mood the rest of the album had set.

Are over-zealous record label suits to blame for these musical missteps? Or perhaps, as when Icarus flew too close to the sun, it is an artist's pure self-regard and hubris? Maybe we should point the finger at cowardly weed carriers who don't have the balls to tell the bossman that they need to step it up? "Damn U-God, you killed that shit!" Whatever the reason, here are 15 Horrible Songs on Classic Rap Albums, the tracks somehow saved from the cutting room floor.

Written by Robbie Ettelson (@Unkut)

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Rick Ross f/ Diddy & Trey Songz "Number One" (2010)

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Album: Teflon Don
Producer: Danja
Label: Maybach Music Group/Slip-n-Slide/Def Jame

Imagine a poor man's "Bombs Over Bagdad," badly blended with two other beats, and you begin to get an idea of how much of a clusterfuck this track is. The hook sounds like a DJ is mixing it into another song by mistake, and by the two-minute mark you'll be ready toss the CD out the car window. Considering Rawse's usually razor-sharp ear for picking beats, the decision to include this mess on the album is even more puzzling. Let's just blame a case of mercury poisoning after a particularly large meal of crab meats and be done with it.

Lil Wayne "La La" f/ Brisco & Busta Rhymes (2008)

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Album: The Carter III
Producer: David Banner
Label: Cash Money/Universal Motown

In the tradition of super-irritating songs based around playground chants (we're looking at you, "I Can"), "La La" has been scientifically proven to be the leading cause of domestic violence amongst YMCMB fans. When Weezy's goon/weed carrier Brisco drops timeless gems such as, "My paint bubble-ish, the motor so vicious/The rims the same color as the wrapper of a kiss/Hershey’s," you know that you're witnessing something special, before he seals the deal by reminding us that he's "fly like a pigeon." Brilliant.

Just when you think Busta Rhymes is going to swoop through and save the day with one of his trademark show-stopping cameos, he starts talking about how his pockets have "got a disease like a jail bed." The chorus, too, is all class, as we're reminded that, "I’m the shit, get the fuck up out my toilet." We haven't felt this nauseous since the time we had to transcribe the lyrics to "My Humps" on the Gravitron.

Kanye West f/ Mos Def "Drunk and Hot Girls" (2007)

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Album: Graduation
Producer: Kanye West, Jon Brion
Label: Roc-A-Fella/Def Jam

After "borrowing" the whole "Gold Digger" thing from EPMD, Kanye seems to have decided to pay homage to another one of their singles, "You Had Too Much Drink", which also may have the honor of gracing this esteemed list (stay tuned to find out!). Instead of the fake Scarface from Strong Island who graced EPMD's version, here we get to enjoy Yeezy unleash the following lyrics of fury: "Aaa aaa aa aa aa, that's how the fuck you sound." So THIS is why Mos Def changed his handle to Yasiin Bey.

The Diplomats "Built This City" (2003)

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Album: Diplomatic Immunity
Producer: Just Blaze
Label: Roc-A-Fella Records/Diplomat Records/Def Jam Recordings

Dipset x Starship? What could possibly go wrong? Actually, M.O.P were able to make a classic record out of an old Foreigner song for "Cold As Ice," but for some reason, things didn't work out so great for Killa and his boys. The typically unfadeable Just Blaze must have entered the wrong cheat code, as he wasn't able to recreate the '80s magic of "Welcome To New York City" this time around. Speeding up the hook to helium levels was a terrible idea, as were all the extra "sparkly" sound effects and chaotic, stuttering chops that sound programmed by someone hopped up on too much Red Bull. As a result, the verses from Cam, Jimmy, and Hell Rell struggle to keep pace, and come off as messy as three-day bender.

Eminem f/ Obie Trice "Drips" (2002)

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Album: The Eminem Show
Producer: Eminem
Label: Aftermath/Interscope/Shady

STD raps have been a proud tradition in hip-hop since the old days, from Kool Moe Dee's cautionary tale of "Go See The Doctor" to Bustdown's no-holds-barred "Pissin' Razor Blades," from Ice Cube's hilarious "Look Who's Burnin" to EPMD's surreal "Mr. Bozack." Somehow, Eminem and Obie Trice managed to take the comedy goldmine that is a sexually transmitted disease and craft a song that fails to muster even a chuckle, set to a dreary musical backdrop destined for the cutting-room floor. Let's just put this one down to Slim Shady's "prescription" issues, shall we?

Nas f/ Mary J. Blige & Bravehearts "Braveheart Party" (2001)

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Outkast "Mamacita" (1998)

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Album: Aquemini
Producer: Organized Noize
Label: LaFace/Arista

In case anybody was enjoying Aquemini a little too much, Outkast threw this clanger into the mix to slow your roll in what can only be described as a "musical buzzkill." New Jersey's Masada, who "met Rico [from Organized Noise] back in '96 in a club called the Oxygen where I used to do open mic," opens up the track for with some random brag rap before the rest of the crew rambles through some seemingly-disconnected "Freaky Tales." Three Stacks is talking about "grab her by her neck, throw her on the wall," while Witchdoctor is "fuckin' with niggas with ageless bodies" (?!)  and Big Boi is informing the ladies of the evening that they "just gon' get splack packed." Where's that skip button?

Gang Starr "The Mall" (1998)

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Album: Moment of Truth
Producer: DJ Premier, Guru
Label: Noo Trybe/Virgin/EMI Records

Moment of Truth was an undeniable testament to the versatility of Gang Starr, but during a momentary lapse of judgement, someone thought it would be cool for Guru to make a song about buying clothes. A brave move, considering that Biz Markie's "Albee Square Mall" is the last cool song about a shopping center that anybody actually liked. Turns out that G-Dep, Shiggy Sha (aka Shabeeno from NYGz) and Gifted Unlimited's attempt to do an "underground" version of fashion label name-dropping was the dullest thing since shopping for clothes with your girlfriend. Oh, the irony.

Sean "Puffy" Combs "Senorita" (1997)

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Album: No Way Out
Producer: Sean "Puffy" Combs, Yogi for The Hitmen
Label: Bad Boy

Many people thought that Puff would have a hard time making a song that was actually worse than the abysmal "I'll Be Missing You," which sneakily mourned his dead friend while propelling him to massive success as a solo artist. But "Senorita" proved those doubters wrong. Declaring that he wants to be her "Papi Chulo" while straining to croon the hook in an extraordinary display of tone-deaf vocal stylings, Mr. Combs confesses that, "you the water in my life and I'm trapped in the desert," and insists that he "rocks regular clothes" as well as designer gear, just i case she thinks he's too fancy. Try to listen to this song three times in a row, I dare you (word to Black Rob).

Wu-Tang Clan "Black Shampoo" (1997)

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Album: Wu-Tang Forever
Producer: RZA
Label: Loud/RCA/BMG

What better way to top off the bloated excesses of Wu-Tang Forever than with this bizarre U-God solo track? Actually, pretty much anything would have been preferable to the "sensual seduction" attempted by Lucky Hands in this ode to romantic toe nail clipping, edible underwear and "happy endings." With a beat that sounds like a mixture of Barry White on acid and one of Ol' Dirty's kids hitting a Casio keyboard at random, anyone who can make it through almost 4 minutes of Golden Arms performing Body Shop Rap deserves an award, or possibly a bullet to the dome to end their suffering. What the hell does, "Thugs, lay on the couch, pull it out, perfect balance" mean anyway?

The Fugees "Mista Mista" (1996)

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Album: The Score
Producer: Wyclef Jean
Label: Ruffhouse/Columbia

L-Boogie, Pras and Wyclef produced some incredible music, and had the entire planet on their collective jocks when they were at their best. However, they were also capable of self-indulgent garbage that even a subway busker would be embarrassed to perform. "Mista Mista" is one of those moments. Wyclef Jean gets out his acoustic guitar and proceeds to combine the words "drug" and "motherfucker" as many times as humanly possible, setting his voice to the "tortured and artistic" setting. Songs like this make me glad that CD's were replaced by customisable playlists, for real.

Ed OG & Da Bulldogs f/ Pure Blend "Let Me Tickle Your Fancy" (1991)

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EPMD f/ Frank B. "You Had Too Much To Drink" (1989)

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Album: Unfinished Business
Producer: EPMD
Label: Fresh/Sleeping Bag Records

As annoying as "It's Time To Party" is, most crews of the late 1980s decided to try their hand at a hip-house song, especially after the success of the Jungle Brothers breakthrough single "I'll House You." That doesn't excuse "You Had Too Much To Drink," which begins with a beat that sounds like something from the opening of Revenge Of The Nerds, before some loud-ass guitar introduces Erick and Parrish's slow-flow Run-DMC impression.

How this song got a video can only be explained by some kind of hare-brained scheme concocted by the label to get the brothers from Brentwood on MTV. Throw in the third-rate Tony Montana styling of "Frank B" and the PSA message in the outro and you have yourself a prime Golden Age Stinker.

The D.O.C. "Beautiful But Deadly" (1989)

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Album: No One Can Do It Better
Producer: Dr. Dre
Label: Ruthless Records/Atlantic Recording Corporation

While we're all for Stan The Guitar Man getting more work at Ruthless, hearing the D.O.C. scream his vocals over screeching "geetar" riffs is not something that you really need in your life. If we wanted to "bang our head to this," we'd rather listen to Slayer or AC/DC, although in retrospect, this is still a lot less painful than anything that the Nu-Metal era produced. Ice-T's "This Kill Tried To Kill Me" is basically the exact same song, by the way. His voice, of course, was damaged in a car accident, but hearing him rap today would no doubt be preferable to listening to "Beautiful But Deadly" one more time.

Public Enemy "Party for your Right to Fight" (1988)

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Album: It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back
Producer: Hank Shocklee, Chuck D, Eric "Vietnam" Sadler
Label: Def Jam/Columbia

You'd be hard pressed to find any rap fan with a bad thing to say about Public Enemy's all-conquering It Takes A Nation Of Millions To Hold Us Back album, but at the risk of committing hip-hop blasphemy, it must be said that "Party For Your Right To Fight" is basically an incredibly annoying filler track, based around a not-particularly funny parody/response to the Beastie Boys breakout hit, "Fight For Your Right To Party." The beat is just an annoying racket, as opposed to the "dope noise" that is the rest of the LP, while the basic rhymes, delivered in a disjointed monotone unison by Chuck and Flav, come off as a weak imitation of every other vocal performance on the record. "London, England! Considered yourself...warned! The last song sucks!"

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