Sensitive Thugs: 25 Songs for a Lonely Valentine's Day

Spending the most romantic holiday of the year alone just got a little easier.

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Complex Original

Image via Complex Original

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Ah, February 14th. The day Cupid clocks in absurd amounts of overtime. He floats out of bed, loads his quiver with arrows, and gets to shooting like a matchmaking Robin Hood.

Love is certainly in the air...for some. While most people are going on $200 dates and being showered with loveeeeeee and affection, others (you) have a full day ahead of coping with your crippling emptiness. Don't worry, though; we've got you covered with plenty of songs to soundtrack your lonely ass "Singles Awareness Day."

This list is for the desperate folks sending themselves flowers to their job. This list is for the people eating Cadbury eggs all day before hitting Golden Corral dolo and attacking that Chocolate Wonderfall with gusto. This list is for all the single ladies who've had nary a ring put on them. This list, quite simply, is for those scorned by love.

Don't let the embers of past flames continue to burn you. It's time to stand up and rally against your solo status. This is your pathway back to coupledom: 25 Songs for a Lonely Valentine's Day.

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Mariah Carey "Breakdown" (1997)

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Softest Lyric: "So I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night/Then turn down all the lights and then I break down and cry"

You might have played it cool at the office today, but your lonely ass is going to plop down on the bed and start bawling as soon as you get home—and "Breakdown" should be playing while you do it. Only when Mariah is wailing lyrics like "it seems they haven't got a clue of the pain the rejection is putting you through" over dramatic piano chords will you not feel like a total pussy for wallowing in your own misery to such great extent. Such deplorable behavior is actually okay in Mariah's universe. Just don't stay there for too long.

R. Kelly "When A Woman's Fed Up" (1998)

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Softest Lyric: "Some of the best cookin' you ever had, yes it was/And I miss her"

"When A Woman's Fed Up" reads like a sequence of events for a lonely V-Day. Wake up; look in the mirror; say "damn" to yourself after thinking about how you fucked up that perfect relationship. Hindsight is 20/20 and R. Kelly captures that regret immaculately. Sometimes regret inspires action, but what's most notable about the 1998 single is Kelly's sense of hopelessness. "There ain't nothing you can do about it," he admits, while the backing guitar gently weeps. He closes the record lamenting about the way his former lover used to cook. Thirsty, and hungry, at the same damn time.

Eric Carmen "All By Myself" (1975)

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Softest Lyric: "Living alone, I think of all the friends I've known/But when I dial the telephone, nobody's home"

You can tell that the people important to Eric Carmen had done the 1975 equivalent of blocking him on Twitter. This dude was at the end of his rope. He wasn't having sex anymore; none of his friends would answer his calls. He was occupying a dark place.

If this song begins to play, you must call the last number you dialed on your phone. If that person does not pick up, you are obligated to curl into the fetal position and silently whimper for the song's duration. We didn't make those rules up. The Supreme Court did in their landmark 1979 ruling of Forever v. Alone.

Eminem "Puke" (2004)

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Softest Lyric: "If you only knew how much hated you/For every motherfucking thing you ever put us through/Then I wouldn't be standing here crying over you"

The greatest loves burn bright and fast. Sometimes (never) the break is amicable; sometimes (always) the break is gruesome. After all the adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin wear off from those initial stages of infatuation, you will most likely realize that the person you fawned over was insufferable, and now the mere sound of their voice can trigger violent physical reactions such as rage, continual masturbation, and illness.

Eminem melodically explores this primeval reaction to grief on "Puke" by waxing such poetic lines as, "You're a fucking cokehead slut, I hope you fucking die/I hope you get to hell and Satan sticks a needle in your eye." We've all been there, right? Craft a voodoo doll out of those saved movie ticket stubs and adorn it with that lock of hair you cut off while she was asleep and pray that harm befalls your ex.

Lady Antebellum "Need You Now" (2009)

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Softest Lyric: "Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now"

"Need You Now" is the Bass Pro Shop version of "Marvin's Room." To be completely honest, we're not entirely sure that Lady Antebellum isn't just Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow in an elaborate Mrs. Doubtfire scheme performing different versions of "Picture." Regardless, the yearning in our loins is often too strong to contain, which results in drunk dialing a boo. Too scared? Let the friendly sting of whiskey slowly erode your esophagus, pride, and good decision-making ability. Thankfully, nobody has ever regretted anything they've ever done after drinking too much. What do you have to lose?

Richard Marx "Right Here Waiting" (1989)

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Softest Lyric: "I hear the laughter; I taste the tears"

Richard Marx—hehe "Dick Marks"—spells it out clearly for us: You must make yourself available at all times for the person that just dumped you in case they come crawling back when they realize the mistake they made.

How do you do that? Hopefully, you're already their friend on FourSquare. You'll know every move they make. Next, subscribe to their tweets via SMS and turn on Facebook notifications so you always know what they're thinking and doing. Then quit your job so you can devote every microsecond to following their movements. Finally, tap their cell phone. This will put you at the best possible advantage to literally be right around the corner when the epiphany strikes.

If you're going to get them back you cannot have a life outside of lurking in their shadow. You must be committed. If you aren't willing to make a few sacrifices then maybe you were never in love to begin with? Pro Tip: It's not sad if you eat the tears!

The Cure "Boys Don't Cry" (1979)

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Softest Lyric: "I try to laugh about it, hiding the tears in my eyes"

When this song came out in 1979, it was a widely held belief that boys didn't cry. They were expected to be men—manly men who suppressed their emotions and developed drinking problems. However, we've now seen that urban prophets like Lil B, Soulja Boy, and Ja Rule are leading a campaign to change that mindset and let the world know that men crying is acceptable. We all need a good cry.

In this case, if you are exhausted from the burden of hiding all your tears behind smiles, you just gotta close the shades, crank this catchy Cure tune and hop along while you belt out the lyrics. Let your tears rain freely. Let your tears break levees. Let your tears raise the sea level of the East Coast and accelerate claims of global warming.

Drake "Marvin's Room" (2011)

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Softest Lyric: "I know you still think about the times we had"

Do you remember where you were when you heard "Marvin's Room" for the first time? It was 6:30 a.m. on June 9, 2011. You were probably drunk and had just finished eating half a box of Fruit by the Fruit you purchased from Costco as you were scrolling through ex-crushes' Facebook photos. (Shouts to confusing privacy settings and your ex's ugly significant others).

It was like Aubrey took everything desperate, brave, and want-to-be-secretive about a drunk DM n00dz request or a "Hey stranger ;)" text and made it into an anthem. It was glorious. Although it spawned dozens of remixes, spoofs, and covers, the original version is a national treasure. We've all performed outstanding acts of simpage, and for most of us, those actions went down with little to no public exposure. We keep those moments private.

Drake put his emotion out there and in turn became our Simp Jesus. He bears this cross gladly. For us. For you. For all of humanity. Run yourself a bubble bath, light a fragrant candle, listen to this 10 times, and muster the courage to call up your "Boo That Got Away."

Chicago "Look Away" (1988)

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Softest Lyric: "Sometimes I just pretend, wish you were holding me"

"Look Away" in summation: Two individuals have split and the man is hoping they might have a shot at getting back together. Then his ex-chick is like "Yo, I've met someone, and I'm probably gonna marry him." Dude is all, "Wow, that's awesome. I'm so happy for you," on the exterior but all, "OMG MY WORLD IS CRASHING DOWN AROUND ME" on the inside. Then she's all, "This doesn't change our friendship" and he's all, "Of course it doesn't, but you know this is gonna be hard for me so if you see me in the grocery store and it's obvious that I've seen you but I'm fronting like I didn't see you and trying to hide my moistened lacrimal glands behind a box of Rice Chex, do me a favor and just pretend you didn't see me too, okay? Please don't judge me. Please don't look at me. I can't live with that embarrassment, boo."

Powerful stuff.

Real McCoy "Another Night" (1993)

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Softest Lyric: "When the night is gone, I'll be alone"

Eurodance group Real McCoy were on to something with "Another Night." The chick keeps having dreams starring a nonexistent lover. IRL lovers are weak. Dream lovers are the new wave. Not only do you not have to share a bed with someone who hogs the comforter, but you don't have to pretend like cuddling is comfortable or necessary.

This song was written by people with the names Jurgen Wind, Olaf Jeglitza, and Frank Hassas. It also explores the phenomenon known as female wet dreams. You know..."Morning Dew." If you don't have anyone this Valentine's Day, do not fret forlorn friend. Score some Ambien then score in your dreams.

Naked Eyes "Always Something There to Remind Me" (1983)

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Softest Lyric: "I was born to love her, and I'll never be free"

Unfortunately, Lacuna, Inc. from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind does not exist. Our only options are to either get a criminally underskilled friend to lobotomize us or live with all the memories that now sully things we used to like. Naked Eyes has lived through this pain.

It sucks when everything is a trigger, making every day harder to get through. It's like, you just want to watch Powder but then your viewing pleasure is ruined because y'all had an inside joke that turned its title into a Kanye West lyric: "No one man should have all that Powder." You want to eat a ham sandwich, but her dad was a pig farmer. You want to tip a waiter but then you remember that a waiter once put his tip in her.

Shit's tough. The lobotomy is looking like more and more the go-to choice.

Kid Cudi "Solo Dolo" (2009)

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Softest Lyric: "Cold cold world wasn't fit for me at all"

Kid Cudi made a name for himself by cultivating the persona of the lonely stoner. What better person to listen to on a lonely Valentine's Day than the Cleveland wizard? You can be sad about being lonely. (And why wouldn't you? You're all alone after all. Remember?) Or, you can embrace it like Cudi and eloquently instruct all your haters to "gargle on your mayo." Forget the critics. Forget your past relationship missteps. Forget the HPV Linda gave you. Stand tall! Clutch your biz-alls! Repeat after me: "Listen good: I don't need nobody." I. DON'T. NEED. NOBODY. Feel better?

Gotye "Somebody That I Used to Know" (2011)

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Softest Lyric: "You can get addicted to a certain kinda sadness"

You couldn't escape this song last year if you tried. "Somebody That I Used To Know" was playing incessantly at every Rite-Aid, CVS, Walgreens, radio station, gym, bonfire party, and Bat Mitzvah. Seriously, it was the only song anybody played. The RIAA actually banned all other songs in 2012. All those people that got sued for downloading songs? That was because they were attempting to use Kazaa via a Chinese VPN to download other songs.

There's a reason why Gotye scored a mega-hit with this one. Lovers fall out of favor with each other every day, b. One undoubtedly "gets over it" quicker than another. When that happens, people get scorned. It feels downright crummy when someone hides their involvement with you, no matter what stage of relationship you're in. It especially hurts when someone you built something special with acts like none of that even existed.

The best remedy for this is to hire some type of quartet or mariachi band to cover this song as you stand on the lawn of your "Used To Know" and beg them to take you back. Or move on. Either or.

Taking Back Sunday "Cute Without the E" (2002)

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Softest Lyric: "I know you well enough to know you never loved me"

This one's for the boo-less dudes contemplating suicide today. Taking Back Sunday almost makes self-defeat sound glamorous. Almost. Just remember, if you take this song's lyrics to heart, you're still going to be the creep outside of your ex-girlfriend's window while she's boning some new dude. And no matter how romantic pop punk guitars and faux-screamo vocals make that level of stalking sound—you're still alone.

Waka Flocka "All I Got" (2010)

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Whitesnake "Here I Go Again" (1982)

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Softest Lyric: "I'm just another heart in need of rescue/Waiting on love's sweet charity"

Love, as R&B artist Keri Hilson once postulated, "Comes around and it knocks you down." It's important that you get back up on that stallion we call "life" and ride off gracefully into the sunset with your head held high as you ignore the bruised coccyx you have acquired from being thrown off so many times. Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again" is an anthemic rallying cry for the dejected and jaded. It's pointless to sulk when there is so much for which to live. Get out there. Be the drifter you always knew you could be.

Lil Wayne "Something You Forgot" (2007)

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blink-182 "I'm Lost Without You" (2003)

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Softest Lyric: "Are you afraid of being alone? 'Cause I am"

It's important to support friends during the demise of their romantic relationships, but every pal hits that very annoying point of no return. The moment when there's absolutely nothing that can be done to alleviate their patheticness. Fortunately for friends of blink-182, that moment only lasts a few (okay, six) minutes.

"I'm Lost Without You" is a weepy, album-closing monologue comprised of the most desperate moments of post-breakup depression. It will mostly serve to plunge vulnerable young men even further into a state of sadness, but at least they'll know that they're not alone with their despair. By the time Tom DeLonge sings, "Please let me know that my one bad day will end," the anguish almost feels like a celebration.

Outkast "Roses" (2003)

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Softest Lyric: "Real guys go for real down to Mars girls"

Your ex-girlfriend probably has plans for a romantic dinner and a night of gallavanting around town with her new man. Wouldn't it be great if her swift transition was met with a date-stalling car crash? Andre 3000 and Big Boi know how you feel. "Roses" is their audible diatribe against gold-digging women who only get by on their looks, but really, it's fitting for frustrations with anyone of the fairer sex. "She's the reason for the word bitch," Andre states over gloomy church organs. It's the perfect soundtrack for dudes fed up with ladies taking advantage. Listen to it while you try to get her pretty face out of your head.

Bow Wow "Outta My System" (2006)

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Softest Lyric: "I miss the smiley faces in my sidekick"

Is she club hopping? This question has plagued many a human's post-breakup psyche for millennia. Bow Wow is no different. After parting ways with Ciara, Bow Wow, at the cusp of manhood, released this introspective ballad about how difficult it is to move on when you aren't quite ready to move on. Much like how a juice cleanse is necessary to clear out a beef-filled colon, the only way to get over an ex is to write a song with a T-Pain hook. Shouts to the Rick James "Hollywood" sample.

Avril Lavigne "My Happy Ending" (2004)

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Softest Lyric: "It's nice to know we had it all/Thanks for watching as I fall"

We're pretty sure Avril wrote "My Happy Ending" as as an allegory for both a dissolved relationship and a masseuse who fronts on the handjob afterwards. This post-grunge banger got heavy rotation in the 'burbs. You literally could not safely walk down to the neighborhood pool without being assaulted by Avril's muffled voice and bass line escaping an angsty teen's closed bedroom window.

Listening to "My Happy Ending" on repeat was an outlet so much pubescent pain in 2004. And guess what? It still works today. Long live Avril: The Teen Queen.

Willie D "I Need Some Pussy" (1989)

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Kanye West "Bad News" (2008)

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Softest Lyric: "Oh you just gon' keep it like you never knew/While I'm waiting on a dream that'll never come true"

The best medicine for heartache is risky sexual behavior. With that said: Ever wanted to dabble in auto-erotic asphyxiation? "Bad News" is your soundtrack. Granted, we could have just picked all of 808s and Heartbreak, but what's special about "Bad News" is the timing of the song. Whether by design or unintentional genius, the two minutes of the song (the part where Kanye pain-croons) are the exact amount of time one would need to disrobe themselves, tie a belt around their neck, secure the other end in a door frame, fluff, and slowly begin to restrict blood flow to their brain.

Once oxygen levels drop, you are going to start feeling lightheaded from all the increased levels of carbon dioxide. This is normal. Do not panic. After Kanye says "channel cruise," you are going to start experiencing an increasingly intense feeling of eroticism. Congratulations. You now have one minute and 25 seconds to do your business. If you aren't done or near completion around the 3:15 mark, where the string's last reverbed note dissipates, then abort mission. You are in danger of dying. Don't try to be a hero. You don't want your parents finding you post-mortem and post-orgasm like that.

Remember, this is an amateur's guide to auto-erotic asphyxiation. With practice, you'll be able to last the entirety of "Pinocchio Story."

Dr. Dre "Bitches Ain't Shit" (1992)

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Akon "Lonely" (2004)

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Softest Lyric: "Ever since my girl left me, my whole life came crashing"

Akon samples the original Bobby V—Bobby Vinton—to express how much he regrets running off his once loyal girlfriend with his inattentiveness. This song gave Akon his first worldwide hit...but alas he was still so lonely. No amount of gold and platinum plaques could keep him warm at night. We can only hope that if you've been in Akon's position that you learned a lesson. There's only so much you can put somebody through to test their loyalty before they bail. Don't take people for granted. We hope you feel like shit right now.

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