Trump, who's likely never actually engaged with literature in his life, is the subject of another book. This time, the failed steak salesman's 2013 visit to Moscow is explored in David Corn and Michael Isikoff's Russian Roulette: The Inside Story of Putin's War on America and the Election of Donald Trump. Given the length of that title alone, it's safe to say Trump will maintain his fourth-grade speaking level by never cracking the spine.

In the first of two Mother Jones-published excerpts, Trump's alleged dual obsession with befriending Russian President Vladimir Putin and landing a Trump Tower Moscow deal are outlined in predictably cringeworthy detail. "From the moment five months earlier when Trump announced Miss Universe would be staged that year in Moscow, he had seemed obsessed with the idea of meeting the Russian president," the book alleges. This, of course, lines up with Trump's Twitter activity at the time:

Among the alleged revelations in this first excerpt are the celebration of a Putin-approved Miss Universe x Moscow deal at a Vegas club that had been under surveillance by Nevada officials, apparently due to complaints about performances featuring simulated bestiality and sadomasochism. One act, according to the book, featured "naked college girls" simulating a urination act on a professor. Another saw women simulating urination into wine glasses. It's unclear which performances Trump saw when at the club.

Once in Moscow in November, Trump attended a gala lunch at Nobu where he was asked about the European debt crisis. Instead of answering that question, Trump responded by asking if anyone there had seen his terrible reality series The Apprentice, then proceeded to speak "at length" about the show. Next, Trump started his usual process of—as was allegedly the norm under these pageants—altering judges' picks for finalists.

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"If there were too many women of color, he would make changes," an unnamed Miss Universe staffer said. Another staffer echoed this claim: "He often thought a woman was too ethnic or too dark-skinned," the staffer said. "He had a particular type of woman he thought was a winner. Others were too ethnic. He liked a type. There was Olivia Culpo, Dayanara Torres [the 1993 winner], and, no surprise, East European women."

But mostly, Trump was concerned with getting Putin to attend the contest. When that didn't happen, Trump reportedly considered just telling people he had anyway because "no one will know for sure if he came or not." The Moscow trip was ultimately a short one, as Trump had to get back to the States for Billy Graham's 95th birthday throwdown, which he was attending because there was "something" he was planning "down the road." The book suggests this was a reference to what would become a presidential run.

A previously undisclosed Trump Tower meeting is also detailed:

Read the full excerpt here while pondering the absurdity of American life.