Growing up, I was a huge fan of pro wrestling; still am, if I'm keeping it a buck. One of my favorites? Jake "The Snake" Roberts. He used to enter the ring with a big bag containing a massive Burmese python named Damien. I was never a huge fan of snakes, but I always figured if I owned a huge python, I'd carry it around in a big-ass bag... not in my pants.

Some genius in Portland had a different idea, and decided to stuff a two-foot black pastel ball python down his pants instead of putting up the $200 to buy it like a decent human being.

While homeboy's name wasn't revealed, his shameful act was caught on a surveillance camera and posted on the internets for the entire world to see. He reportedly walked into the A to Z pet store with his blue-haired girlfriend, giving her the keys while he went to procure the snake from its tank. As you can see, he straight up threw the snake down his pants and dashed out of the building.

Now, if you're going to be brazen enough to jack a snake in the first place, why wouldn't you just hold onto the snake, make a weird face at the owner, and then run out of the store? Sure, pythons aren't venomous, but they still bite, right? Was that two-footer worth getting puncture marks on your johnson?

The owner of the store says she knows who did it. "We know where he lives, we know where he works, we know all about him and his girlfriend. We’re just waiting to get our snake back."

Hopefully the snake is returned un-traumatized.