In their last instalment of Average Advice, Average Rap Band are once again putting you on the fast track to better living with their practical and politically correct advice.
Want sports to be more entertaining? Permit all drugs. Want to talk about Brexit? They’ve got it broken down in a language you’ll understand. It’s all here. Don’t cry, dry your eye. ARB will be back soon enough.
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Dear Average Rap Band. Drugs in sport is a problem, but what if we just allowed athletes to take them? Wouldn't everything be better? I use Viagra and nobody's complaining. And I do my office job way better on speed.
If you know Average Rap Band, you will know that we are strong advocates for the decriminalisation of the drugs in the sports. As avid sports and drugs fans we promote the integration of the two and hope that we will live to see a day where professional athletes and ravaging crack heads compete on the same floor in beautiful unity.
Some of the greatest moments in the history of sports have involved drug use. Ben Johnson running the 100 metre sprint in 9.70 seconds, Lance Armstrong beating cancer with steroids, Stephon Marbury eating a jar of Vaseline. These are moments that defined man kind. These are moments we need to see more of.
Wouldn't it be truly fascinating to follow an opiate-endorsed basketball league? Wouldn't you love to see a mixed martial arts match on molly? Imagine the emotional turmoil of holding your opponent in an arm bar while he whispers sweet nothings in your ear of his undying love.
Perhaps instead of being sin binned, players would be more justly punished by being administered random mind-altering substances. Different coloured cards would symbolise different dosages. Imagine the excitement in seeing your franchise player fall into a terrifying k-hole in the crucial final minutes of the fourth quarter. LeBron James rolling around mid court like a fetus having a seizure in the middle of the biggest game of his life. What a hilarious turn of events this would be.
Everyone keeps talking about BREXIT and it sounds really cool cause they're like all worldly and shit and I want to be involved in the conversation but I can't be fucked watching the news. It's so boring. Can you help me understand what's going on?
We empathise with you reader. We understand how hard it is to devote time to world affairs in this day and age when you could be watching your friends live their fascinating lives in the infinite webisphere. So to help save you precious time we have broken down some of the key elements to the BREXIT process and translated the intellectual waffle into simple lay-manner man's terms that we can all understand innit.
The European Union came about after the second world war when their was an understandable desire to keep the continent united and it has since evolved into an economic union of 28 countries whose citizens can trade and move freely across boarders and negotiate international agreements as a block.
Back in the day Hitler got mad screw face and slewed half the world and so they got all the fam together and was like 'safe bruv'.
Britain however refused to join Europe's common currency project which caused an unmitigated economic disaster creating shockingly high unemployment rates in peripheral EU countries like Greece and Spain.
Britain said 'Bun the Euro' and then bare hairy Spanish man got duppied for their gig and their economy got merked fam.
The U.Ks high employment rate has drawn migrants from poorer countries in the EU but many in Britain recent these migrants and that resentment was a key driving force in the vote to leave.
Pussy-ole who were scared dutty foreigners would take their jobs got gassed and voted for Babylon.
The result of this exit is that ultimately Britain will lose the interaction of funding that has been part of the relationship to the E.U for decades and immediately this will open the way to a more right wing government in Britain so you will have changes that will exacerbate the rise of inequality that was behind this vote in the first place.
Bare liccle minded waste man will try to burn down Zion because they scared to see man getting his tings.
There is no benefit in a modern society to believing you can live without government regulations, they're what make modern markets work and so the whole philosophy here which goes back to the 19th or even 18th century is an illusion that people will discover very much to their regret that they've signed on to.
You fucking wallads. Skadoosh.
Dear Average Rap Band. Is this really the last episode of Average Advice? How will I walk the path of righteousness without your beckoning light, I'm scared I will make make terrible decisions if I'm left to my own devices.
Dear reader. We understand this must be hard on you. It's hard for us too. But if a mother doesn't push her young chick out of the nest it will never learn to fly. You must spread your wings reader and soar into the sunset like the majestic bird person you were born to be.
What will we do from here? To be truthful with you, we don't know. This is the first and only job we've ever had. Perhaps we will return to the warm hands of drug dependency or reopen the never ending story of credit card scamming. Who knows. For not for us though reader, unemployment is the mother of invention.
We've achieved great things in our time working with Complex. Things two men could only dream of. We have attended an upper echelon warehouse party with free beer. We have received several retweets. We have given hope to the hopeless and $56 in tax to the suffering Australian economy. We don't need recognition. All we need is a job. Or a racket of some sort that will provide revenue. If you know of anyone, please enquire on our Facebook page (Average Rap Band) or send money to our Paypal.
We don't ask to be glorified. We only ask to be remembered as two men who made the greatest advice column of all time. Now you must take the advice that we have left you with and use it to make a better world. Our time here is over. Good night sweet reader.
