This week in Average Advice, Tom and Lui of Average Rap Band acknowledge Peter Dutton was totally right – illiterate immigrants are totally here to steal your job. Plus, help with dank memes, and some invaluable assistance you can use to get your friend’s attention anytime a celebrity dies.
Read on to get your weekly life lessons, and submit your questions via Facebook or Twitter.
What's up Average Rap Band. I just migrated to Australia. I'm illiterate and innumerate, obviously, but I'm just here to pull a gank move on some Australian jobs. Where do I start?
Well reader, we used to be illiterate and innumerate, but look at us now, writing for one of the internet's finest publications. Who needs to know how to spell property when you can just right click the words underlined in red and the computer brain will spell it for you? Dyslexia is like AIDS, money can fix it now. So don't stress reader, all you really need to succeed in Australia is a good work ethic. Or, in the case of the convicts that founded this great nation, guns.
Lui bought his uncle Falisi over from New Zealand and his 17 kids all got sweet-as jobs working in factories. Stupid Australians wouldn't know a good job if it hit them in the head with a stop-slow sign accidentally cause they were still a little bit drunk on the job from the night before cause it was the State Of Origin and fucking Queensland don't know SHIT, CUNT. UP THE MIGHTY BLUES!
Dear Average Rap Band. A celebrity died, and all my friends are like, e-mourning on Facebook, but this death means more to me than anyone else. How do I make these people understand?
They never will. They're idiots. Late adopters who have never felt the depth of emotion you have. These people make me sick. Riding the stiff dick of the dead for a cheap Like. What do they know about the Batman soundtrack? How dare they forget the inter-racial masterpiece that is "China Girl." If he was here today (RIP) to witness such fuckery, Khal Drogo would be turning in his grave.
Death is nothing to laugh about. We have to call these people out. I spotted one of these bandwagon riders just the other day. He'd turned up to my Grandma's funeral just cause it was the hot spot to be. Crying like he cared. OTT weeping into the open casket while she lay there, a shell of the woman she was, ignorant to the scenester tribute gig that was happening around her. So I walked up to this fuck boy and I told him, I said 'Hey, Dad. Spare me the act, please. That speech was ugly man. We get it. You're mourning. But you don't have to do it all over our irl time line man. Keep it to yourself. Plus, let's not forget that Ivan Madras died today. Upright bass player from ODESIUS. They only recorded one of the greatest Scandinavian jazz albums. Matter fact, can we turn this soppy organ off and put on Bitches Brew?' RIP Grandma.
Dear Average Rap Band. I saw something on The Insiders about "dank meme?" What exactly is this all about? What is a dank meme?
Thank you reader. Please refer to the Wikipedia article linked below
A meme is a unit for carrying cultural ideas and general observations about modern life. When a certain amount of spice is added to a given meme, the meme reaches what is known as peak dankness. In the late 20th century, before the invention of dank memes, politicians would use something called a political campaign in which voters would be tricked into voting based on the strength of the party's policies. Australia's electoral system today is sustained by a cultural phenomenon called the internet, where the probability of your party's leader being elected Prime Minister is highly dependent upon the dankness of his/her memes.
In 2013, Julia Gillard was rightfully dismissed from the Labor Party after failing to adhere to the standard of meme dankness in the Australian House of Parliament. After Julia's pitiful 'this could be us' attempt was shut down by Kevin Rudd's rare Pepe, her Prime Ministerial role was rebuked. She now lives in solitude with walking, talking meme Tim Mathieson and has yet to recover from her embarrassing political meme career. The 2016 Election is predicted to be one of the most important events in Australian meme culture. Enrol now to vote here.
