Average Advice, Week 2

"Dear Average Rap Band. I think I'm Big Meech?"

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In today's Average Advice column, Average Rap Band tackle the toughest reader-submitted questions from the week. This time around, the big question is; which emoji should an emerging rapper name him or herself after? 

Also this week, the classic, insomnia-inducing question around dropping your money on Supreme or Yeezy Boosts, and an unfortunate reader who think he's Big Meech, and possibly also Larry Hoover. 

Read on to get your weekly life lessons, and submit your questions via Facebook or Twitter.

Dear Average Rap Band. I’m just getting my rap career started, and need to finalise a name before I drop my fire mixtape. I’ll just use an Emoji as my rap name – which one is the most trill?

Great idea reader! You're going to go far in this rap game. If we didn't have the wit and foresight to come up with our hauntingly memorable, fear-inducing name, we might not be where we are today; an internationally recognised, rap brand with a two week old weekly advice column. 

 

So let's begin with ya classic face related names: You got ya 'Scarfaces', ya 'Ghostfaces', your Lil Kim's newly unrecognizable faces, you could do your own interpretation of this with something like 'Sleepy face', 'Big Angry face', 'Sad face killah' etc etc. You're really only limited by your OS with this one. Personally I'd get on to something a little more 'lil' myself. Something Lil Yachty-esque perhaps? Maybe 'Lil Housy', 'Lil Dicey', 'Lil Yeasty' even. Or maybe you wanna take the drug dealer route, you might wanna try a 'Snow Flake,' maybe a 'Young Ski', or how about 'Da Plug?' Perhaps none of these are for you. You're more of a conscious rapper, you wanna take a more minimal approach. Something that says it all in one word like 'Drake'. If so, why not try 'Bike?' Maybe even 'Whale.' #FAXONLY. Maybe it's more of a grime ting, how bout 'Rainy', 'VHS', or 'Japan Money'. Your producer need a name too? How about 'Scott Torch?' Any of these are guaranteed to lead you to a long, lustrous career filled with endless prosperity. Just ask Lil' Flip.

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Dear Average Rap Band. I think I’m Big Meech?

Dear reader, you are not the first person to have suffered from this disorder. In one well-documented case of BMDID (Big Meech Dissociative Identity Disorder), patient 'William' believed himself not only to be Atlanta street gang leader Big Meech but also Chicago street gang leader Larry Hover and notorious Californian cocaine kingpin Rick Ross. The patient's illness lead to an inflated sense of desirability and delusional understanding of his own sexual prowess.

'William' has sadly not shown any progress since diagnosis and has recently been in a steep decline toward clinical insanity. However, treatment for this disorder is now on the market. A pill called 'reality' is now available for all sufferers of BMDID. The pill is a hard one to swallow but if taken daily will reduce hallucinations and balance ego to a manageable level. Side effects of this treatment include a deflated sense of self worth, a crippling fear of death, a never ending lack of fulfillment and a life time of constant disappointment. Ask your health care professional if this treatment is right for you. 

Dear Average Rap Band. I have $1,500. Should I spend it on Supreme or a couple pairs of Yeezy Boosts? 

One must always remember that money is not the most important thing in life, shoes are. How else can one obtain power, stature and respect. Education? Tolerance? Self actualization? All these are but petty ideas invented by Eastern Civilization to stop you from obtaining true cool. Imagine the admiration strangers will show you when you enter that momentous Wednesday night zine launch like God descending earth while peasants seek meaningless knowledge and understanding inside useless books. You are the millennial Julius Caeser, walking upon fabric woven together by impoverished child slaves like Jesus upon water. All hail your divine fashion sense. What talent! Your laces tied perfectly together like ancient geometry hanging from tongue in a true expression of your subtle wit and creativity. Now they will finally see that you are beyond them. However, the zine launch is become increasingly busy, a sty full of jealous boars set on sabotaging your assent to fashion nirvana. In a frantic moment a mindless hipster in pitiful $350 Jordans spills his free beer on your Boosts. You must leave. Social interaction is the opium of the people. A pointless waste of time and energy. You vow to never step your precious pair outside of eBay ever again. You are truly supreme. Nobody understands you but Yeezus. 

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