What We Get Wrong About Sex and Each Other’s Bodies

Gender and sex are never as simple as “male” or “female”—different genitalia actually share a lot of similar sexual processes. Despite that scientific truth, we're still taught about sexuality in a gendered way, leading many to hold some major misconceptions about the "opposite" sex.

The gender binary is bullsh*t, and so are many of the things we're taught about our bodies.

While this article focuses on myths about male and female bodies, the idea that these are the only bodies is a myth. As many as 4 percent of people are born with genitalia, hormones, or genes that place them somewhere on the spectrum between male and female. 

Not to mention the fact that biological sex is a separate issue entirely from gender, making it impossible to generalize about "men's bodies" and "women's bodies."

In other words: The gender binary is bullsh*t, and so are many of the things we're taught about our bodies. Here are some beliefs about sex, gender, and sexuality that experts believe we need to unlearn:

The biggest sexual misconception about male-bodied people is that they're "rarin’ to go all the time and if a guy isn’t, there’s something wrong," Good Vibrations staff sexologist Dr. Carol Queen, PhD, told NTRSCTN.

The most common misconception that women have about the male body is that if he loses his erection, it means you no longer turn him on.

"In fact, many men don’t get turned on and erect unless they feel connected to their partner, trusting, safe, and all the other things we are quick to say are the province of women," she said.

New York City sex therapist Dr. Stephen Snyder, MD, said something similar: "The most common misconception that women have about the male body is that if he loses his erection, it means you no longer turn him on."

On the contrary, he added, "There are a million possible reasons for this (just like there are a million reasons a woman might lose desire), and almost all of them are emotional."

Queen also cited the misconception that the only male center of arousal is the penis. There's a popular notion that "if a man erotically enjoys nipple or prostate stimulation, there’s something feminine or 'gay' about it," she explained.

She added, "There are plenty of nerve endings to stimulate in both places, and enjoying a particular act says absolutely nothing about gender identity or sexual orientation."

Snyder said we tend to overcomplicate female bodies, believing that "you have to touch her in exactly the right way to turn her on."

"Good technique is nice, but most women prefer authentic passion to mere technical know-how," he added.

But when it comes to technique, Queen said we hold some misguided ideas about where female pleasure lies. "While many women like vaginal sensation very much, it isn’t the primary way most women orgasm or even get turned on," she said.

Good technique is nice, but most women prefer authentic passion to mere technical know-how.

This assumption can be dangerous, Queen explained, because "if vaginal insertion happens too early in the arousal process, it can block a person from even getting turned on at all because it may be painful."

It's also a total myth that G-spot pleasure is universal.

"While it’s possible that every woman has one, it is not likely that all women will even enjoy the sensation of G-spot stimulation, and there is nothing wrong with a woman (or anyone with a vagina, regardless of gender identity) who does not wish to locate their G-spot or can’t find it," Queen said.

Some of our body-related myths aren't gender-specific. Regardless of physiology or identity, we're often tempted to believe "your sexual body is a machine" that you can turn on and off at will, according to Snyder.

"In reality, it's a system for evaluating whether your current situation is a good one, and turning on or off accordingly," he said.

Orgasm happens in the brain, not between our legs.

And, again, the idea that the body is inherently gendered is another myth. "We have more in common than most of us realize," Queen said.

She explained:

"In utero, before the hormone surge that differentiates us into (mostly) males and females, we are undifferentiated, and the genital tissue develops (usually) into the 'It’s a boy/girl' that we accept as natural in our culture.

But some don’t fully differentiate (these babies are born intersex), and all of us have genitals that developed from the same tissue! The clitoris and the penis are developed from the same tissue; the prostate and G-spot; the ovaries and testes; the scrotum and outer labia; etc."

These genitals, by the way, aren't the focus of our arousal.

"Orgasm happens in the brain, not between our legs. And if people skip too soon to genital stimulation and miss out on the arousal that can build from stimulating the whole body, they may well have less pleasurable sex than those of us who take our time and appreciate the erotic power of mouths, skin, and all the rest of our wonderful parts," Queen said.

When it comes to sex, Snyder said we need to challenge the widely held idea that the best lover is a selfless lover."If you ask most people, 'What's more erotic, a partner who just wants to turn you on, or a partner who's just very turned on by being with you?' most people will choose the latter," he said.

Queen explained that the way we define sex in the first place is too narrow.

"While intercourse can be a fabulous form of sex, it isn’t everyone’s favorite, and it’s rather easy to get it wrong," she said. "Many couples don’t allow enough time for optimal arousal, so it can be vaginally irritating or even painful, and the majority of women don’t orgasm that way."  

If you ask most people, 'What's more erotic, a partner who just wants to turn you on, or a partner who's just very turned on by being with you?' most people will choose the latter.

The myth that intercourse is the primary form of sex, Queen said, "is very closely linked to the idea that there is such a thing as 'normal' sex and/or desire—something that is really damaging to many people who worry that they don’t meet that definition of normalcy."

It's time we do away with the idea of a "normal" sexuality once and for all, because clearly, no such thing exists for men, women, or humans in general. 

This post originally appeared on NTRSCTN.com