What do you do if you have a crush while you're in a relationship?

I ain’t a playa; I just crush a lot.

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Complex Original

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Most discussions about infidelity are black and white. Did your partner have sex with someone else? Did they carry a years-long affair? But there are gray areas that can put a strain on a relationship without being considered "cheating." What if your partner just has a crush on someone else?

Redditor My_Life_Uncensored (MLU) pointed out that although crushes are natural and common, they sometimes "walk the line of emotional cheating" in relationships. 

There are studies proving that having crushes outside of your relationship can actually improve things for you and your partner. But if your partner likes someone else, would you feel good about it? 

In the Reddit thread: "What to do when your partner has a crush," MLU detailed the process of crushing while in a relationship, and offers advice on how to get through it:

"My wife and I have dealt with crushes several times over our 10 years together. Once for me, and twice for her. I swear, if I asked Reddit for help during the times she had crushes, cuz it was shitty times, it would have told me to walk away with a couple hundred upvotes, and that would have been the absolute worst advice. We've been married two years now (though we've been devoted to each other for ten years) and could not be happier. Each time has been a chance to make both ourselves and our relationship stronger. So, I decided to share our success with Reddit to maybe help other relationships." 

What exactly is a crush?

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In order to deal with crushes in your relationship, you're going to need to understand what they are. 

According to Oxford Dictionaries, a crush is a "brief but intense infatuation for someone, especially someone unattainable"

MLU breaks down crushes as "accidental feelings" that you develop for someone who isn't your partner. 

"This is different from people who seek out relationships via Tinder, etc. Usually they are with a coworker or classmate, because these are people they bump into a lot. They develop a friendship, and either over time or sometimes quite suddenly, they feel they 'hit it off.' They might feel the infatuation so strongly, it's like they are in love again. They probably feel confused and incredibly guilty because they love their partner so much, how could they feel such strong emotions for another person? And for you, it must feel like a huge breach of trust. You gave them their heart, how could they?"

Are crushes good or bad?

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MLU thinks that crushes are natural: "I think it happens by accident, and it's normal, and it's hard as sh*t, but as long as you both truly love each other and truly want to get past it, you can. And your relationship will be that much stronger if you do." 

Margo Mullinax, a sexpert and postdoctoral fellow at Columbia, would agree.

In a study published in July, Mullinax surveyed 160 women in relationships for three to five years. She told Men's Health, "Crushes can continue throughout your lifespan. You don't just stop having them because you're in a relationship. It's natural, when you're around someone a lot, to develop feelings." 

Why do crushes happen?

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Now that we know what crushes are, when and how do they occur in a relationship?

MLU breaks it down for us by identifying several variables that may influence a crush. "Crushes can happen at any time in a relationship for a various reasons, though I think the most pervasive crushes occur when there is a perfect storm of variables," he said. 

1. Your relationship has problems. Every relationship has its ups and downs but MLU said that crushes "tend to happen when there are downs." 

2. One partner is going through strains outside of the relationship. "Maybe money is tight. Maybe work is in overdrive. Family is sick. Life really sucks sometimes, and it can make us stressed, which can transfer into our relationship. We are more tense, and show our love less. We might still feel it, it's just harder to show because we're constantly stressed about other things," he wrote.

3. You or your partner spend more time at work or school than at home. "We'll be at work or in class more hours in the day than we are at home with our partner," MLU explained. "Then he is accidentally spending more time with a coworker or classmate than he is at home. Maybe they share an office, maybe they are in all the same classes. He's not trying to seek her out, they just happen to be in the same place most of the day/week."

4. Your crush gives you what you don't get in your relationship.  "This might be kind of a cold way to think about it, but relationships can be thought of in terms of Pros & Cons," MLU explained. "For example, my wife is not into sci-fi like I am, but this classmate did. We bonded over our favorite Star Trek series, and before I knew it I had a crush. In reality, my wife has a hundred more "pros" than this crush, but this crush had a pro where my wife had a con."

What do you do now?

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In Mullinax's study, a majority of participants revealed that they didn't tell their partner about their crushes. 

But MLU found that open communication is crucial:

1. Honesty is key! "Keep open and honest communication at all times, and work through it together," he wrote. "Don't hide your feelings from your partner, even if you want to protect the other person. You might not want to talk about it, wether [sic] you have the crush or they do, but you HAVE to communicate. You HAVE to know what your partner is going through at all times. Work through it together, and you'll come out together."

2. Set boundaries. "Don't be alone with your crush (like never meet up for coffee), because while she can't avoid working with him, she can avoid seeing him other outside of work. Meeting up like that is a chance at taking intimacy to a deeper level," MLU explained. "You might want her to cut off ties to him entirely, but often that's next to impossible to implement. Think of this like a 'soft' cutting off ties. Think about it, you have your 'work friends,' and then you have your 'friends you hang out with.' It puts a barrier there."

3. Be careful what you tell your crush. "Never complain or joke about your partner to your crush," MLU warned. "Even the most innocent joke can indicate you are not happy with your relationship."

4. Focus on your relationship. "Spend more quality time together," MLU suggested. "Turn off the TV, get off Facebook & Reddit, and play board games or go for walks. I always think the free dates are more intimate than going out to dinner & drinks, because that can feel like throwing money at your relationship, but those can be fun, too."

5. Never give an ultimatum. If your relationship is strained, don't push your partner over the edge.

"This is a very common tactic in these situations, and I think it only does harm to the relationship," MLU said. "It might seem like a good test of their devotion to you, but when you are emotional (which you definitely will be if you are going through this), please consider you might not be setting a reasonable ultimatum. More importantly, giving any ultimatum (however reasonable) tells your partner that you value your needs over your relationship."

Ultimatums are generally a bad idea—that puts the onus entirely on your partner instead of keeping the relationship a partnership.

Keep on crushin'

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Crushes are a natural part of life. As long as you're happy in your relationship and communicating with your partner, don't fret.

 

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