When you just can't even: 4 tips for crying at work

Have no fear, shed those tears.

Dec 17, 2015
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Image via Complex Original
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Image via Complex Original

When it comes to crying at work, the jury's still out: Is it okay? Is it unprofessional? Is it a terrible faux pas that weakens your image and credibility, or is vulnerability key to fostering meaningful relationships? What would Sheryl Sandberg do (WWSSD)?

I'm a big believer that feelings are a blessing, and emotions should be celebrated—but I also hate crying.

If every cry was a silent stream of tears that didn't affect your state of being, I'd be all for crying in the office.

That said, crying can be…distracting.

It's hard to do anything but cry when crying. You can’t concentrate, your brain is basically mush, and you lose any ability to enunciate words. Combine that with the physicality of crying—the tears, the shudders, the splotchy face, the gasps for air—and all hope of communication or productivity goes out the window until it’s finally over.

But this whole “to cry or not to cry” debate is pointless. If some corporate overlord declares that crying at work is unprofessional, nobody’s going to say, "Well, that clears things up. Guess I won't cry anymore!"

Because that’s not how it works. Once the waterworks start coming, they can't be stopped, permission granted or not.

So without further ado, here are tips on how to proceed if you find yourself crying at work, depending on the scenario.

1. Facing performance reviews

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Scenario: It's the end of the year, and you're in a one-on-one meeting with your manager, who's describing everything you've done well—in addition to all your "areas for improvement." She's getting to the details of her constructive feedback when suddenly...oh God, you're crying! Great, now you're embodying Tim Hunt's stereotype of women: "When you criticize them, they cry." Thanks, eyes.

What to do if you cry: Leaking face aside, if you're feeling fine, continue talking as if you're not crying. Ignore the tears, and you'll likely regain composure.

If you're really upset, and don't think you can continue talking without sobbing, it's probably best to wrap up the conversation, and regroup another time. Still struggling? Try moving the most emotional parts of the conversation to email.

If this is a recurring situation—that is, you anticipate crying every time you have a performance review—congratulations! Because you already know it's coming, take the opportunity to practice steadying your emotions beforehand. Second, give your manager a heads-up. When you're completely calm, say that you sometimes cry during performance reviews, and advise her on what she should do if it happens (e.g. pretend it's not happening).

Part of what makes crying so uncomfortable is that it's awkward, and social protocol in these situations is unclear, so being upfront about it can make everything a little less stressful.

2. Confronting jerks

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Scenario: There's someone at work—let's call him "Chad"—who is always a huge asshole to you. Today was the last straw. Chad was super passive-aggressive over email, then disrespected you in front of your teammates, and ugh. You're already feeling the rage tears coming on.

What to do if you cry: First, give yourself time to cool down. If you're in the middle of a face-to-face argument with Chad, stop the conversation, and go your separate ways; that way, you can calm down or rage-cry in private.

Afterwards, talk things out with Chad. Schedule a one-on-one meeting in which you address this particular incident and similar ones in the past. Give specific examples, and explain why his behavior was inappropriate.

Now, I hate talking things out. Before trying this tactic myself, I was extremely skeptical that it would do any good. The Chad at my workplace was such a jerk that his reputation was well-known throughout our company—even worse, he seemed to be proud of it. How could I sway Chad in a heart-to-heart, when he had been deliberately choosing to act this way for years?

But I was wrong. Chad didn't patronize me when he saw how upset I was; in fact, he was genuinely surprised. I don't think Chad had been called out for his behavior in a long time, perhaps because his reputation for being a jerk was often used as an excuse: "Oh, that's just the way he is." Ultimately, though, he took my concern seriously, apologized, and told me he'd work on his attitude. Chad didn’t radically change his personality, but he did treat me with respect from that day on.

Obviously, things won't always work out this way. Still, it seemed like Chad found it much easier to be a jerk when he didn't have to confront the consequences of his actions. Make your Chad confront the consequences of his actions. If he continues being a jerk after that, escalate the situation to your manager.

3. Going through a bad day

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Scenario: Today is the worst. You made a bunch of dumb mistakes, said something stupid in a meeting with a group of people who probably all think you're an idiot now, and can't figure out how to make any progress on your latest project. Now, you want to cry, and that's the dumbest thing of all. 

What to do if you cry: Can you cancel your commitments for the next hour or so? If yes, do that, then head outside for a walk and a little cry break. Text your friends. Listen to Beyoncé. Watch some videos of pandas tumbling or dogs eating peanut butter (but don’t watch dog-rescue videos, or you’ll cry forever). Give yourself some time to feel better.

Personally, I hate making dumb mistakes. If I use the wrong word in an email or say something stupid in a meeting, I obsess over it, which can ruin my day. But now, I try to remind myself that people have terrible memories. When I make a mistake, I correct myself and pretend it didn’t bother me, even though I’m internally mortified. The more normal I act, the less memorable the event will be, and the sooner the incident will evaporate from people’s minds. At least, that’s what I tell myself.

These days happen to everyone. You’re not the worst; you’re awesome. Be kind to yourself today, and try again tomorrow.

4. Coping with tragedy

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Scenario: You're experiencing a serious tragedy: There's been a death in the family; a loved one has cancer; you're going through a divorce.

What to do if you cry: Tell your manager so they understand what's going on. Then don't worry about silly matters like whether or not it's okay to cry at work. Go ahead and grieve. 

Final word: Take care of yourself

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It doesn't matter what made you cry, where you were when it happened, or whether you think you "shouldn't" have cried—always remember to take care of yourself.

Be sure to make time to relax and recharge. If you find yourself crying pretty regularly, go to a therapist, get a new job, or lean on a loved one. Let yourself cry, but never despair—no one tearful incident is going to define your career.

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