To say Tiger Woods and Jesse James have been on lock in the doghouse these days would be a gross understatement. We can only imagine the degree of—in Tiger's words—"denial" and "rationalization" these guys must've had to do to justify the ever-increasing number of women diggin' their hole even deeper. While we're not here to judge, actually we are, and our judgment: you dudes are fucking retarded.
With four mistresses already coming forward against him, it seems that Jesse James is looking to challenge Tiger's (alleged) 20-plus. So we're takin' it upon ourselves to make said duel happen by putting their first four girls in the ring to battle it out and having you vote on which guy had the hottest jumpoffs...
Mistress #1: Rachel Uchitel (Tiger) vs. Michelle McGee (Jesse)
• Honestly, we don't really think this is a tough decision. Despite being the first mistress outed, nightclub hostess Rachel Uchitel has denied every accusation of an affair with Tiger. On the other hand, inked model/stripper Michelle "Bombshell" McGee, whose tattoo of the letters WP is speculated to mean "White Power," has recently admitted to ratting on James to financially support her family. Stop snitching and get a real job.
Mistress #2: Jamie Grubbs (Tiger) vs. Melissa Smith (Jesse)
• Oh, the infamous first shred of evidence—Tiger's voicemail. When Elin's suspicions about Tiger arose, the golfer left the Tool Academy star, Grubbs, a message ("Hey, it's Tiger") asking her to delete him from her phone. Smooth. She has since apologized to Elin for the affair, which was a classy thing to do. Jesse James' second mistress however knows nothing about class, as she spent 20 days in jail last May for beating up a cop and resisting arrest. Did we mention she looks like the walking definition of white trash?
Mistress #3: Kalika Moquin (Tiger) vs. Brigitte Daguerre (Jesse)
• Finally, good competition. Kalika Moquin, Las Vegas marketing manager, who allegedly had a weekend fling with Tiger neither denied nor confirmed an affair. It seems that she was taking her hospitality job a little too literally. For Jesse James' third, we have the surprisingly voluptuous and seemingly ink-less Daguerre. The L.A.-based photographer, who started their fling three years after his marriage to Bullock, is claiming to have text messages as proof of their relationship. Hopefully they're not as incriminating (and hilarious) as Tiger's sexts.
Mistress #4: Jamie Jungers (Tiger) vs. Anonymous (for now)
• Although both mistresses seem to have expected more of a real relationship with the cheating husbands, James's mystery "Mistress #4" might have more grounds for her expectations. She's hired power attorney Gloria Allred who told Radar, "He pursued her and had strong feelings for her. She is in the process of trying to decide if she will come forward." Meanwhile, Jungers retreated into self-pity, not just for receiving no financial help from the golfer, but also because he didn't even give her a birthday card. Sidepiece birthday cards, where can we get some of those?!?