Complex Presents: The Cabin Fever Survival Guide

If you're here in NYC, or anywhere on the Eastern Seaboard, for that matter, you're ready for winter to be fucking OVER. Snow is beautiful and all, and with snowfall like we've been seeing it actually makes East Coast skiing/snowboarding enjoyable, but if we decided to "stay in" because of the weather one more time we might just tear our hair out. It's too cold to go prowl for girls, or even buy groceries. No matter. Fresh from our current issue of Complex, follow our four easy steps to get it cracking with a chick while you're still hibernating...

STEP ONE: Lure your neighbor into your spot.

Fake an Injury
• Hang out on your apartment stoop until a hot neighbor arrives to kindly help you up the stairs and into your apartment. It's just like Buffalo Bill, only without the suit made out of lady skin (hopefully).

Create a Fire Hazard
• Leave your door open and burn the fuck out of some toast. As your neighbor walks past, ask her to help put the fire out. Don't mention that what's really burning is the passion in your loins.

Steal Her Pet
• When a pet goes missing, the hot neighbor comes knocking. Have I seen your cat? No, but I'd like to! (Note: If it's a fish and she knocks, you know you're dealing with a rocket scientist.)

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STEP TWO: Improvise cocktails

The "Broken Heater"
• After you've cracked windows and claimed the heater's broken, keep her toasty by mixing leftover Everclear with paprika. A couple of these and she'll warm up—to your kinkiest fantasies!

The "Yellow Snow"
• Mix snow from your window ledge with whatever sickeningly sweet yellow liqueur folks left at your last party and BOOM—you're hilarious, she's drunk, and you've segued expertly into "water sports."

The "Brown Snow"
• Mix snow from your window ledge with the coffee liqueur collecting dust in the back of your liquor cabinet, throw in some stale Halloween Snickers minis for good measure, and BOOM—you're ready to get into all kinds of freakiness.

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STEP THREE: Put a sexual twist on family-friendly games!

Twister
• The Twist: Conservatives once called Twister "Sex in a Box," and it could be—if you assign additional body parts to colors. "The wheel says I'm supposed to put my tongue on your taint!"

Jenga
• The Twist: She's still pulling and pushing wooden pieces until collapse—one just happens to be made from dongwood.

Chutes and Ladders
• The Twist: Now your piece can slide up ladders, down chutes, and up and down and up and down birth canals!

Scrabble
• The Twist: You read, write, and think like an adult, so make sure all your words reflect your maturity. Triple word score bonanza on BOZACKS!

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STEP FOUR: Find a polite way to lose the baggage

Catch Up on Complete Series
• You felt compelled to buy all 11 seasons of Married... with Children because the first thing you ever masturbated to was Kelly's "Bundy Bounce," but chances are you were never going to sit down and watch them all. Start your marathon now or you might actually get to know winter wifey.

Introduce Her to World of Warcraft
• Few things will cut a chick off from society quicker than WoW. See how little she wants to talk to you once she's a Level 12 Paladin on the come-up. Besides, heroin costs too much.

Drive Her Away
• If you really can't stand to be around this chick past splashdown, make yourself as unappealing as possible. Skidmarked briefs strewn about your spot should send her packing so you can get it cracking with another neighbor. If, however, she picks up and washes your funky-ass undies, you might just need to white-Nike her.