The Death Of The G-Spot? 9 Disputed Sex Myths

The pressure's off, Pretty Ricky; the Journal of Sexual Medicine is set to publish findings this week that the G-spot officially doesn't exist. Turns out that the study's authors, scientists from King's College London, tested almost 2,000 female twins and found that the concept of a G-spot is subjective. (For your future Trivial Pursuit games, the G is for Ernst Gräfenberg, the inventor of the IUD and lifelong aficionado of ladyparts, for whom the spot was named in 1981.) The thing is, the study sounds a little fishy to us (zing!).

We're not saying everyone has had luck finding theirs, but we've met one or two G-spots along the way, and we're not so sure about filing them alongside Chupacabras and Heterosexual Republican Senators in the "Intriguing Yet Fictional Concepts" department. But that's what the study says, so until it's debunked by the next study that comes along, we're calling it a done deal. This isn't the first time a prevailing sexual attitude was ultimately proven false—oh, no, friends, it is not. And we're going to let you in on a few others...

FEMALE HYSTERIA
• Women craaaaazy, and it's all because of their weird inferior anatomies. With all that plumbing and hormones and whatnot, it's no wonder girls be trippin'. You know what would help that mental instability? Having a doctor bring them to "hysterical paroxysm" with a crude turn-of-the-(20th)-century vibrator!

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CATHERINE THE GREAT'S HORSEPLAY
• As the story goes, the Russian empress died in 1796 while having a horse lowered onto her for equine sexytime. This is definitively not true, though the episode later lived on as part of the hook for Big Pun's "Still Not a Player."

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BLUE BALLS
• True? Possibly. We can only say that we've never experienced them, though that could also be due to your moms being an extremely considerate lover.

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NYMPHOMANIACS RUNNING RAMPANT
• While a number of neurological conditions can lead to hypersexual behavior, the idea of actual "nymphos" (which were talked about in middle school along with "morphodites" as sexual curiosities), who are ZOMG HORNY 24/7, doesn't exactly exist. There is, however, something called Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome (or, hilariously, Restless Genital Syndrome), which is a potentially debilitating condition that can leave women housebound. It also only seems to affect middle-aged women who you really do not want to imagine having dozens of knee-buckling orgasms for no reason at all.

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MASTURBATION DESTROYS THE YOUNG
• John Harvey Kellogg, who you might know from, oh, CORN FLAKES, was a big believer in the idea that a good wank would turn a young person into a criminal, an invalid, or a plain fucking insane person. His 1877 book Plain facts for old and young: embracing the natural history and hygiene of organic life (really, that's its name) was full of gems like "After long abuse of the sexual organs, and in many cases after a short course of sin, the whole system becomes deteriorated; digestion is impaired; the muscles are weakened; the circulation is unbalanced; the nerves are irritable, the brain -- especially the back and lower portion of it -- is congested; the skin is torpid; the bowels are inactive and the general health is deranged in almost every particular. " Oh, and he advocated rubbing acid on the clitoris and using a penile harness like the one above to prevent people from pleasuring themselves. He was also a big fan of enemas, and we're guessing wasn't all that much fun at a party.

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PENILE ENLARGEMENT? THAT'S UNPOSSIBLE!
• Medical orthodoxy says you can't make your joint bigger, despite what the Prolixus commercials on Sirius radio are telling you. But there's a huge online community of guys out who swear they've done it--with exercises, not pills. If Barry Bond's head can get that big, who's to say anything is impossible?

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OYSTERS AS AN APHRODISIAC
• Do we believe it because they resemble a vagina, only without the sharp gnashing teeth? Very possibly, but the briny bivalves contain no substances that correlate to increased sex drive in women, as is commonly reported. Except maybe the odd pearl here and there. Because WOMEN ARE MATERIALISTIC HOOERS.

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FEMALE EJACULATION
• We've seen it, we've even caused it, but scientists still can't seem to agree. Is it urine? Does it contain actual prostate fluid? And for the love of God, does it stain sheets?

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