Eating Out: Other Restaurants Rick Pitino Should've Had Sex In

Meat and buns make Rick Pitino hungry for meat and buns.

Yesterday, The Courier-Journal of Louisville reported that Rick Pitino, the University of Louisville's men's basketball coach, told police, who were investigating rape charges against him, that he'd had consensual restaurant sex with and paid $3,000 for an abortion for his accuser, Karen Cunagin Sypher. The pretty blond, who's married to the university's equipment manager, accused Pitino, a married Catholic, of sexually assaulting her after she was charged with trying to blackmail him for $10 million. Scandalous! Sacrilegious sex, sure. But in the sanctity of a restaurant?! Our taste buds tingle from the shame of it all!

Actually, considering that the basic male needs are sex, food, water, sex, shelter, and sex, it makes perfect sense that Pitino got it poppin' at Louisville's Porcini Restaurant. With a name like that, you'd think they'd enjoyed a really classy dining and extramarital smash-off experience, but given all the subsequent drama, perhaps Sypher took offense because it wasn't fancy enough for a respectable lady such as her. With that in mind, Complex breaks down other restaurants that might be good for an eat and beat. Bon appetit!

RED LOBSTER
FOOD: The scent of your impropriety will easily be mistaken for the catch of the day. Get it? It smells fishy—just like your chick!
CLEANLINESS: There's always the possibility that someone walks out with crust-acean on their clothes, but that's why they give you bibs.
SHAME FACTOR: Minimal, as long as your lobster tail doesn't come with a side of crabs.

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IN-N-OUT BURGER
FOOD: We're not completely clear on the In-N-Out's "secret menu," but we're pretty sure if you order a "Double Meat Protein Style" for your chick, they provide you with a stock boy and Wet Wipes.
CLEANLINESS: A bit greasy, but then so are you.
SHAME FACTOR: Chicks may be embarrassed by getting popped off in a fast food restaurant. That's why they invented the drive-thru. In. And. Out.

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CHILI'S
FOOD: Eat this stuff and we assure you the sex will be hot and heavy.
CLEANLINESS: That's on you. Literally. Your burbling bowels apologize.
SHAME FACTOR: OK, we admit that a smash session here probably won't sit right with you. Kinda like the Terlingua Chili.

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ROSCOE'S HOUSE OF CHICKEN AND WAFFLES
FOOD: Hey, these zany bastards mix poultry and breakfast sweets! Who are they to judge you for putting in work in a restroom?
CLEANLINESS: With all that syrup around, nobody's going to assume that sticky icky on their table is dried splashoff. Go nuts.
SHAME FACTOR: Strange things happen at Roscoe's. It starts with mixing chicken and waffles and ends with a stick of butter and a circus midget. Don't say we didn't warn you.

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BENIHANA: THE JAPANESE STEAKHOUSE
FOOD: All dishes, prepared in an awesome spectacle by Benihana's artist chefs, come with a side order of performance anxiety for you.
CLEANLINESS: Despite the theatrical slicing and dicing, Benihana's chefs manage to keep things tidy. Try to keep your "onion volcano" from erupting all over the place.
SHAME FACTOR: Significant, if you allow your chef to show you up, working magic with his big-ass Ginsu. Get your dull knife game on point quick!