Katie Holmes can be wifed, as long as Xenu is present to watch over the ceremony.
High Priestess of the Church of Scientology Katie Holmes is shedding pounds, and sadly they're not the 115 pounds that are her tiny lunatic husband, Tom Cruise. Holmes has appeared gaunt recently, as noted by the highly respected physician gossipmongers at Fox News here. The exact cause of her dramatic weight loss is not known. Is she crying out for help, having realized she's trapped in a cult and married to a cult leader? Is she attempting to flush evil thetans out of her bodily temple? Is she getting set to star in The Machinist II: The Regurgitation?
Holmes is one half of the craziest couple in Hollywood but that doesn't necessarily mean her coconut is cracked. Perhaps Cruise is just so crazy he makes her look 7:30 too? Maybe there's still a workable wifey underneath all the insanity? Read the arguments as Complex puts Holmes to the wifey/trifey test and vote to decide if she's a lost cause or a prize find...
WIFEY?
Holmes never had "birthing hips," but her body is capable of reproducing. OK, maybe not in it's current skeletal state. It's not like we'd actually want to make a fire with those sticks anyway.
TRIFEY?
Tom Cruise is 16 years older and several inches shorter than Holmes is. We're not saying that his millions or his power in the alternate universe of Scientology seduced her, but hey, we'd bang him for that kind of security...What? Dude gets points on the back end!
