THE KID MERO'S NO BS ADVICE GUIDE FOR VALENTIME'S DAY

THE KID MERO'S NO BS ADVICE GUIDE FOR VALENTIME'S DAYImage via orapopo.com

The voice of the Internet, The Kid Mero, will be offering his opinions on everything from dating to fake Louis bags, exotic cuisine to laundry on Complex.com, twice weekly. Mero speaks for himself, his views do not necessarily reflect those of Complex.com, Esperanza from the hotel, Michael Kors, or your girlfriend's coworkers. You've been warned.

AYYYY LOL WATTUP INTERNET AYYYYY 

LISTEN LIL BRUH TOMORROW IS VALENTIME'S DAY (THAT'S NOT A TYPO I'M FROM THE BRONX) SO THERE'S GONNA BE SOME THINGS YOU GONNA HAVE TO DO IN ORDER TO WIN ON VALENTIMES. BY WIN I MEAN MAYBE HIT SHORTY IN THE PEANUT BUTTER OR PERFORM SOME OTHER SEXUALLY DEVIANT ACT. NOW KEEP IN MIND THAT ALTHOUGH YOU WANT TO WIN ON THIS DAY, YOU ALSO DON'T WANNA GO SO HARD THAT YOU OUTTA THE GAME FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR YOU FEEL ME? LEBRON COULD PROBABLY DROP 80 POINTS A GAME IF HE WANTED TO BUT THEN HE WOULD PROLLY TEAR SOME TYPE OF LIGAMENT NECESSARY TO BE SUCCESSFUL AT BASKETBALL THEN HE WOULD HAVE TO SIT HOME AND WATCH HIS MOM MAKE OUT WITH A STRUGGLE RAPPER. SO HE DIALS IT DOWN AND DROPS 40 A GAME AND IS STILL THE MVP. YOU CAN BE THE MVP OF CHEEKS TODAY WITHOUT TEARING ANY CRUCIAL BODY PARTS. HERE'S HOW YOU FINNER DO IT.

WARM IT UP KANE

YO YOU GOTTA SEND SOMETHING TO HER OFFICE/MCDONALD'S/DAYCARE/CHAMBERS/SPACESHIP. SOMETHING LIGHT BUT MAKE SURE IT GETS THERE AND SHE KNOWS ITS FROM YOU. FLOWERS IS PRETTY MUCH AUTOMATIC OR ELSE THE BITCHES IN HER OFFICE THAT GOT FLOWERS ARE GONNA THINK THEY BETTER THAN YOU...ASKIN YOU SIDEWAYS QUESTIONS LIKE "OH YOU DIDN'T GET ANYTHING? WELL IT'S OK I'M SURE HE STILL LOVES YOU"...IN THEY HEAD THEY LIKE "THIS BITCH IS BENEATH ME AND HER MAN IS PROBABLY HOME PLAYING PLAYSTATION WITH NO PANTS ON LIKE A FUCKIN CLOWN"...WHICH WILL THEN CAUSE HIM TO NOT GET BJ'S FOR WEEKS ON END AND OTHER PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE SHIT BITCHES DO LIKE FOLD THEY LAUNDRY AND PUT IT AWAY & LEAVE YOUR SHIT IN A PILE ON THE FLOOR AND THEN THE DOG SLEEP ALL IN IT AND IF YOU NOT WHITE YOU GOTTA WASH THE SHIT AGAIN

IF YOU WANNA INVITE SHORTY TO YOUR CRIB SO YOU CAN DISMANTLE HER BUTT WITH YOUR PP YOU GOTTA BE SMOOTH AND SNEAK IT IN AFTER YOU MAKE LIKE 3 OTHER SUGGESTIONS. DON'T PUSH THIS TOO HARD CUZ THEN SHE'LL BE LIKE "YOU THIRSTY CORNBALL I AM GOING TO LULU THE SHIT OUTTA YOU

TAKE HER OUT

YEAH YEAH YOU CAN TRY TO GAS SHORTY INTO COMING TO YOUR CRIB BUT THAT MIGHT NOT GO OVER WELL BECAUSE AS SOON AS YOU INVITE A GIRL OVER THEY ASSUME YOU'RE TRYNA SMASH AND EVEN THOUGH THEY ASSUMING CORRECTLY YOU CAN'T SEEM LIKE A THIRSTBALL. IF YOU WANNA INVITE SHORTY TO YOUR CRIB SO YOU CAN DISMANTLE HER BUTT WITH YOUR PP YOU GOTTA BE SMOOTH AND SNEAK IT IN AFTER YOU MAKE LIKE 3 OTHER SUGGESTIONS. DON'T PUSH THIS TOO HARD CUZ THEN SHE'LL BE LIKE "YOU THIRSTY CORNBALL I AM GOING TO LULU THE SHIT OUTTA YOU" 

SO WHERE DO I TAKE HER MERO?

OFF TOP I'M GONNA TELL YOU TAKIN A GIRL TO A BAR ON "VDAY" IS A HORRIBLE IDEA, ESPECIALLY IF YOU A NERVOUS TYPE OF DUDE. THERES A COUPLE REASONS WHY BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE IS THAT YOU FINNA GET DRUNK. WHEN YOU CHILL WITH A GIRL YOU SHOULD NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES GET WILD FUCKED UP LIKE YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE CHILLIN WITH SOME OF YOUR PALS. SHORTY IS GONNA BE DISGUSTED BY YOU CUZ YOU GONNA BE SLURRING OR SAYING SOME OUTTA CHARACTER SHIT AND JUST LOOKIN MAD SLOPPY LIKE A 13 YEAR OLD DRINKIN 4LOKO'S AND THROWIN UP AND SHIT. I'M SAYIN IF YOU THE NERVOUS TYPE YOU MIGHT WANNA GET A LITTLE BUZZ RIGHT? RELAX A LITTLE? NO! THIS IS HOW YOU GONNA FUCK YOUR WHOLE NIGHT UP. YOU GONNA BE BUZZED AND FEELIN GOOD AND YOU GONNA KEEP DRINKIN TILL YOU SOUND LIKE SYLVESTER STALLONE ON MAD XANYS AND YOU WONT EVEN REALIZE IT TILL THE NEXT MORNING WHEN YOU TEXT SHORTY AND SHE TEXTS YOU BACK LIKE " " (THAT'S A BLANK QUOTE CUZ SHE AINT GONNA TEXT YOU BACK. SHE JUST STORED YOU IN HER PHONE AS "GTFOH") SO TAKE HER SOMEWHERE BESIDES A BAR LIKE MAYBE A RESTAURANT WITH FOOD THAT YOU CAN LIE AND SAY IS EXOTIC LIKE FOR EXAMPLE A CHIMI TRUCK ON DYCKMAN.

GET HER A THOUGHTFUL GIFT OR AN EXPENSIVE GIFT

LISTEN MAN I KNOW EVERYBODY GETS GIRLS FLOWERS AND CANDY BUT YOU GOTTA GO BEYOND THAT B YOU GOTTA THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX AND ALSO KNOW WHAT TYPE OF FEMALE YOU DEALING WITH. SOME WOMEN APPRECIATE THOUGHTFUL YET INEXPENSIVE GIFTS AND SOME WILL ACCEPT YOUR HAND MADE CROCHETED TUBE TOP, SMILE IN YOUR FACE, AND THEN GO ON TWITTER AND LEAK YOUR DICK PICS TO THE WORLD BECAUSE "THIS MUTHAFUCKA AINT EVEN GET ME A MICHAEL KORS WATCH" SO YOU GOTTA BE VERY PACIFIC AND EXPLICIT WITH SHORTY LIKE "YO ARE YOU A MATERIALISTIC THOT? OR A THOUGHTFUL TENDER THOT?" IF SHE SAYS SHE'S MATERIALISTIC THEN BUY HER A FAKE LOUIS BAG AND PUT DOG SHIT IN IT. THIS WON'T HELP YOU GET LAID BUT IT WILL TEACH SHORTY A LESSON AND THAT LESSON IS THAT YOU ARE A BROKE ASS DICK WHO CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH. 

GET A HOTEL ROOM

YO THE ASPECT OF VALENTINES DAY THAT MOST APPEALS TO MEN IS EXOTIC EXTRAORDINARY SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS B. LETS KEEP IT 3 HUNNA RIGHT NOW. MEN ARE NOT AT ALL EXCITED ABOUT EXCHANGING CARDS WITH YOU AND BUYING YOU 70 DOLLAR CHOCOLATE COVERED EXOTIC FRUITS THAT COME IN 4 BOXES WITH 6 BOWS ON IT. WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ALL THAT. WE EXCITED ABOUT GETTING THAT EXOTIC PUSSY WHERE YOU WEAR LINGERIE AND LET US PUT OUR BABIES ON YOUR PALATE LIKE ITS SOME SORBET. IN ORDER TO MAXIMIZE THE FILTH CONTAINED IN OUR ONE TRACK MINDS YOU GONNA NEED A SAFE SPACE TO DO ALL THIS EXTREME SLOPE STYLE FREESTYLE FUCKIN. MOST IMPORTANTLY YOU WANNA JUST BUST A NUT AND WIPE YOUR DILZ ON WHATEVER IS ADJACENT TO YOU WITHOUT WORRYING ABOUT GETTING SEMEN ON YOUR NEW RALPH EGYPTIAN COTTON SHEETS. YOU CANT BUST A NUT ON A THREAD COUNT OVER 1000 IF YOU OWN IT. SO WIPE YOUR FLUIDS ON THAT DUVET AT THE HOJO CUZ WHAT ESPERANZA DONT KNOW WONT HURT HER.

STAY HOME AND JERK ILLZ

MERO WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT MY GUY ARE YOU KIDDING? IT'S VALENTINES DAY WHY WOULD YOU WANNA BE ALONE MERO?

IF WE BEING HONEST THIS IS THE MOST STRESS FREE OPTION. YOU DON'T HAVE TO TALK TO ANYBODY BECAUSE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH REBECA LINARES IS VERY ONE SIDED IN THAT YOU GO ON PALIMAS, WATCH HER AND PLAY WITH YOUR LIL DILZ TILL YOU REACH SATISFACTION. IF YOU STAY HOME AND JERK ILLZ ON VALENTINES DAY SOME MAY CALL YOU A LOSER BUT GUESS WHAT I'M CALLING YOU? FISCALLY RESPONSIBLE AND SELF SUFFICIENT B. SO STAY HOME AND GREASE THE POLE FAM YOU WON'T SPEND ANY MONEY AND THE RESULTS WILL BE SIMILAR ENOUGH WITHOUT THE POTENTIAL HAZARDS OF HAVIN A KID OR HAVING A DICK ILLNESS.

FOLLOW THESE RULES AND YOU'LL BE AIGHT. BUT YOU GOTTA HAVE PAYPALLED ME $20. IF YOU DON'T PAYPAL ME $20 FIRST ITS NOT GONNA WORK FOR YOU AND YOU'LL HAVE 37 YEARS BAD LUCK. I'M OUT.

 

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