A Complete Guide to Things People Got Stuck Inside of Their Bodies in 2013

A Complete Guide to Things People Got Stuck Inside of Their Bodies in 2013Image via Philosophy in Action

Here we are at the end of yet another year and people are still sticking unfriendly objects into their bodies. Will folks ever learn? The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission releases information about emergency room visits annually, so history suggests they won't. 

Deadspin deserves credit for combing through data to create a comprehensive list of objects that Americans got lodged in their various holes this year. Try not to wince as you read what got inserted into penises, vaginas and rectums in 2013:

Ear:
SEED PAINTBRUSH
"SOME BALLS"
SLAG MAKEUP BRUSH
PATIENT TOLD PARENTS THAT THE CATS STUCK SOMETHING IN HER EAR
GASOLINE BUTTERFLY
HERSHEY KISS
"CLASSMATE PUT A ROCK IN EAR, HAS PIECE OF PAPER IN OTHER EAR"

Nose:

EAR PLUG
CRAYON
PLASTIC EYEBALL
HEART-SHAPED GEM
DIME
PENNY
NICKEL
AA BATTERIES
SPONGE
SMALL DECORATIVE ROCK
2 ERASERS
MULCH
"PLACED A BEAD IN HER NOSTRIL, PATIENT HAS NO COMPLAINTS"

Throat:

DETERGENT PACK
WHISTLE
ENGAGEMENT RING
"SWALLOWED A QUARTER WHILE TAKING A SHOWER"
"DOING MAGIC TRICK AT SCHOOL & SWALLOWED A QUARTER"
SCHOOL LOGO MAGNET
CONFETTI
SCREW
A TACO
BALL OF STRING
A BEE

Penis:
PENIS PLUG
20-30 MAGNETIC BUCKY BALLS
DICE
FISHTANK AIRHOSE
ANTENNA
SEWING NEEDLE
BB PELLET
"WIDE WOODEN DOWEL"
NAIL PLASTIC PIPE, DENTAL FLOSS WITH BEADS
WIRE
MARBLE
EMBEDDED DOMINO IN PENIS
"TO PLEASE THE LADIES"

Vagina: GLUE STICK
BARRETTE
SMALL FINGER VIBRATOR–"IT'S STILL ON"
TOILET PAPER
"LONG BLACK OBJECT"
PENIS RING RIVET
"WORMS COMING OUT OF PEE-PEE"—PINWORMS
SPOON
PENCIL ERASER
PLASTIC BOTTLE OF CREAM (LID STILL ON)
NAPKINS IN VAGINA TO HAVE SEX DURING PERIOD

Rectum:
PENCIL
PENCILS
SHAMPOO BOTTLE
COLOGNE BOTTLE
LOTION JAR
SODA CAN
SODA BOTTLE
FLASHLIGHT
BATHTUB STOPPER
SHOT GLASS (BROKEN)
SOCK
ICE PACK
END OF CURTAIN ROD
"PATIENT STATES HE WAS EXPERIENCING AN ITCHY RECTUM AND INSERTED A REMOTE CONTROL TO SCRATCH"
VIBRATOR
VIBRATOR BATTERY
COVER OF VIBRATOR
TIP OF VIBRATOR
"BIG PURPLE DILDO"
"PATIENT STATES HE GOT DRUNK AND PASSED OUT AT GIRLFRIENDS HOUSE, AWOKE WITH SPOONS AND DILDOS IN RECTUM"
LIGHTER
TOY SUBMARINE
TOOTHBRUSH HOLDER
2 HALVES OF BAR OF SOAP
POOL BALL
LIT BOTTLE ROCKET; "IT DIDN'T GO WELL"

Here's a valuable, if not obvious lesson: Don't "pass out at your girlfriend's house."

[via Deadspin]

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