FAQ: The Users Guide to Rob Ford, Toronto's Crack-Smoking Mayor, Who Is a Crackhead*

FAQ: The Users Guide to Rob Ford, Toronto's Crack-Smoking Mayor, Who Is a Crackhead*Image via @strombo.

So, it's more or less official: The mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford, is a crackhead. 

Wait, what? 

Yeah, for real. The mayor of Toronto is a crackhead. 

How do you know? 

Well, because he's a dumbass who smokes crack on tape. If you're gonna smoke crack, you shouldn't do it on tape. 

How'd he get busted?

A few months ago, Gawker.com ran a guide to crazy shit Rob Ford has said. The guy is basically like the stupid, less successful version of Bowser that Toronto somehow elected to public office. It was great. A little while after that, they ran a story alleging that the website's editor, John Cook, had been invited to Canada and watched a tape of Toronto mayor Rob Ford smoking crack.

And?

Well, the people with the tape wanted $10,000 for it. Gawker put out a charity campaign ("The Crackstarter") to raise money for it. 

Did they raise the money?

Of course they did, because people love watching politicians smoke crack. But by the time they had the money, the tape had gone missing.

Well, that sucks.

You ain't shittin. Meanwhile, a guy who worked for Rob Ford had linked the location where the tape was filmed to a murder. And also, a pipe-weilding goon ran up on that same house looking for the tape. And of course, cops raided the joint, too.

Is that why it went missing? 

Well, we're getting to that.

And what did Rob Ford say the entire time? 

Naturally, Rob Ford denied any wrongdoing. He also recently beat Hulk Hogan in an arm wrestling match.

Because Hulk doesn't smoke crack.

Not that we know.

Nah, Hulk definitely doesn't smoke crack. 

If you say so.

So then what happened?

In August, we found out about the guy who tried to sell Gawker the video. His name is Mohamed Siad, who was arrested in a sweep of a big old Somali-Canadian drug and gun ring. Siad was stabbed while in the pen, and got segregated from Gen Pop as a result. Pretty fucking shady, right?

Dude got hit with the shank for snitching, huh?

Hey, you said it, not us. But that would mean the mayor could be tied to one guy getting killed and another being stabbed, and that'd be bad.

That's pretty bad.

Yep. Since then, we've learned that Gawker editor John Cook was being watched by Toronto cops the entire time. Of course, they just thought he was trying to buy a cell phone, as opposed to a cell phone with a video of the mayor smoking crack on it. This may have something to do with why Toronto can have a mayor who gets away with smoking crack alongside drug-and-gun crime rings, and it also totally reinforces any stereotypes of Canadian cops as Dudley Do-Right

So what happened today?

This morning, we learned that the cops are investigating Rob Ford for smoking crack, because they have the tape with him smoking crack on it. Allegedly.

Allegedly? Come on. This guy is a fucking crackhead. He's down for the three o'clock free crack giveaway. He loves him some rock. 

We say "allegedly," because Rob Ford just had a press conference in which he told Toronto he won't be stepping down as their mayor.

You're joking, right? 

In noted alleged crackhead (and Toronto mayor) Rob Ford's words:

Well good afternoon. I think everybody has seen the allegations against me today. I wish I could come out and defend myself, unfortunately I can’t, ’cause it’s before the court and that’s all I can say right now. I have no reason to resign, I’m going to go back and return my phone calls, gonna be out doing what the people elected me to do and that’s save taxpayers money and run a great government.

Yep. Toronto's mayor, still the mayor, but now, even more of an alleged crackhead than ever before. And one who didn't even bother to deny the existence of a video of him smoking crack. 

Okay, so, most importantly, what does all of this have to do with Drake?

Why do you think everything in Toronto has something to do with Drake?

Because it does.

Fine. Here's a picture of Drake chilling with a local crackhead:

And here's an even better one of them smiling together. Happy now?

Yes.

Good. Don't smoke crack.

[*Allegedly.]

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Tags: rob-ford, toronto, politics, crackheads, drugs, mayors
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