You sat in your mother's lap, running through your multiplication tables with dreams of Saturday morning cartoons running through your head. You looked up slowly at your mother, eyes wide, reeling with curiosity and asked, "Where do babies come from?" And that was it. It was over. She tries to tell you a story about large birds carrying tiny humans through the sky in blue and pink cloths. She sends you to your father and cries for your lost innocence. He chokes out something about birds and bees and condoms and his crazy ex in college and you leave, head hung, wishing you'd never asked. 

From the moment your parents gave you a terrible sex talk to squiriming through sex ed for years of health class, you've been lied to. Feel free to sue your old middle school for emotional and physical damages because those teachers owe you scrilla. Yes, they covered STDs and AIDS and played that Magic Johnson press conference for you, but no one told you about the sad reality of sex. These  depressing sex facts reveal an ugly truth that will make you never want to do the dirty again. At least, for the next 15 minutes or so. Don't say we didn't warn you.

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