13. Never Call in Sick
No one's impressed with your ability to rally to the office with a rare strain of bird flu. In fact, those of us breathing the same circulating air think you're a jackass. Because of shared bathrooms, kitchens, and meeting spaces, the office is a Gathering of the Juggalos-like breeding ground for infectious disease. Everyone wants to retire early, but not because they were bequeathed with a flesh eating virus.