9. The No. 1 Fan
There's something about incurable venereal diseases and exorbitant tuition costs that creates an unyielding devotion to college sports teams, especially for the jackass chock-full of school spirit. Look, your college is already charging you $100K for a worthless bachelor's degree, don't degrade yourself further by sporting a neon body sock in the bleachers and bragging about next year's "ridiculously talented recruit class." There's nothing more pathetic than being a groupie for teenage, amateur athletes. Get a grip, dude.