The New England Journal of Medicine (as opposed to whatâ€”the Old England Journal of Medicine?! Right?! Am I right!?) published a study saying that if you drink coffee you will live longer. Well, not exactly. If you drink coffee, you probably won't die as quick as someone who doesn't...No, that's not right either...if you drink coffee, you are less likely to die certain ways (like, for example, from heart disease, respiratory problems, strokes, injuries and accidents, diabetes, and infections). That's better.
Wait, injuries and accidents? How can coffee help you there? We don't know. Don't ask. It's science.