Blunted in the Walk-In: Trade Offs—Eddie and Mero Hit Malecon

Blunted in the Walk-In: Trade Offs—Eddie and Mero Hit MaleconPhotos by Jason Lewis

VERY RARELY DO I SEE WRITING THAT I FUCK WITH. FOR REAL B, SINCE ’08 I’VE FINISHED A TOTAL OF 5 BOOKS: DECODED, THE INFAMOUS LIFE, FORTUNE COOKIE CHRONICLES, OUTLIERS, AND EGO TRIP’S BOOK OF RAP LISTS. AROUND APRIL, YOUR FAVORITE RAPPER’S FAVORITE FOOD CRITIC SENT ME A LINK TO THIS JOINT. PEEP GAME, THIS MERO TALKIN HOV-YEEZY:

THEY SO POPULAR WHITE GRANDMAS KNOW ABOUT THEM. WHITE GRANDMAS KNOW THE WORDS TO "I JUST WANNA LOVE YOU" B. DEAD ASS GO TO WALMART IF YOU HAVE A WALMART IN YOUR CITY, APPROACH A WHITE GRANDMA AND BE LIKE "IT GETS BETTER, ORDERED ANOTHER ROUND" AND I GUARANTEE SHE'LL SAY "ITS...ABOUT...TO GO...DOWN!" AND THEN HIGH FIVE YOU ON SOME WHITE SHIT. 

POW, THAT’S THAT MERO-VERDANA-CAPS-LOCK-KILLA TRICKED OUT WITH ITALICS. WHATCHU KNOW ABOUT THAT? ITALICS IS LIKE INTERWEBS CANDY PAINT, U NEED THAT, LEARN THAT, FUCK WITH THAT. #KNOWLEDGEDARTS

MERO IS THE ILLEST DOMINICAN SINCE CHARLIE VILLANUEVA. THAT DUDE WAS SO DOMINICAN HE SHOWED UP TO HOOP AT CONNECTICUT WITH TWO DOO RAGS BUT NO SOCKS ON. I SWEAR EVERY DOMINICAN DROPS OUT OF MOMS VAJAYJAY WITH A WHITE TEE, NIKE SHORTS, AND JORDAN 7 RAPTORS WITH NO SOCKS ON. I WANT TO KNOW IF MANNY RAMIREZ INVENTED THAT LOOK. IT GOES EXTRA HARD AT ASSOCIATED WHEN YOU FIGHTING FOR BLADE STEAKS AND SNOW CRAB. I TRIED THE LOOK AND IT WAS ILL BUT THEY BOXED ME UP ALL CRAZY WITH A DOMINICAN CEASAR CUT THAT HAD ME LOOKIN’ LIKE SPONGE BOB CHINK FACE. TO ALL THE DOMINICAN BARBERS, MSG IS A NATURAL HAIR STRAIGHTENER THAT GOT US ALL FUCKED UP. PLEASE CONSIDER THIS WHEN SHAPING UP SMALL ASIAN CHILDREN OR MEGAMAN.

USUALLY I WOULD NEVER LET ANYONE ELSE WRITE SHIT IN MY COLUMN BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE A ROBIN GIVENS OR DON KING TO FUCK MY LIFE UP, BUT MERO MY MOTHER FUCKIN’ BROTHER. I’D RUN MILES IN SOFT SAND LISTENING TO DRAKE WITH UNDER ARMOR NUT HUGGERS ON IF HE SAID IT WAS A GOOD LOOK. SO WE GONNA DO THIS LIKE JADA AND STYLES, NAS AND AZ, POITIER AND BILL COSBY, CHARLIE MURPHY AND ASHY LARRY...

Eddie: AYO MERO, MEET ME AT THE DENICE WILLIAMS CONCERT!

Mero: WE HIT UP EL MALECON (4141 Broadway) WHICH IS A SPOT THAT MAKES [BANGIN] FOOD LIKE MY MOMS MAKES, EXCEPT MY MOMS WON'T COME OUT THE BACK AND WHIP YOUR FUCKIN ASS IF YOU DON'T FINISH THE 8 LBS OF FOOD ON YOUR PLATE

I WAS HUMBLED TO BE CHOSEN FOR THIS SHIT NAHMEAN SINCE THE OTHER NIGGAS THAT'S BEEN ON IT IS THE TOP TIER ELITE OF DEGENERATE RAP NIGGAS. 

ALSO BECAUSE IM BROKER THAN JA RULE AND FREE FOOD IS A GOOD LOOK FOR ME, SINCE MY IDEA OF A GOOD MEAL IS A CHEF BOYARDEE SANDWICH WIT HALF A LITTLE DEBBIE FOR DESERT.

THE WAITRESSES AT DOMINICAN RESTAURANTS ALWAYS EITHER LOOK LIKE ROSA ACOSTA OR FEFITA LA GRANDE (GOOGLE HER B) REGARDLESS THEY BOTH WEAR THE SAME TIGHT ASS OUTFITS.

YO YOU KNOW WHAT'S ILL THOUGH, IF YOU WANNA GET PUSSY IN THE HOOD B JUST BRING A PHOTOGRAPHER AND HAVE THE NIGGA FOLLOW YOU TAKIN PICTURES. PEOPLE WILL THINK YOU SOMEBODY AND YOU CAN MAKE UP SOME "PROJECT" YOU WORKIN ON. BOOM, MORE HOODRAT PUSSY THAN YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH. (SHOUTOUT TO JASON LEWIS)

DINNER CONVERSATION CONSISTED MOSTLY OF RAP MUSIC, WHAT TYPE OF SOCKS ARE IDEAL FOR JERKING ILZ INTO (HANES ANKLE SOCKS NO HOMO), HOW I CAN GET RICH WITHOUT DOIN TOO MUCH, EDDIE'S KNOWLEDGE OF FOUR LOKOS AND HOW I INTIMIDATED A WHITE WOMAN INTO MARRYING ME/HAVIN MAH BAYBEH (EDDIE’S NOTE: AND THIS WHITE CHICK BOUGHT HIM A T.V. AT BEST BUY. THAT’S GAME, SHE WAS UP IN THE RANGE MAN.) ALSO Y'ALL NIGGAS AIN'T READY FOR THIS EGGROLL MOFONGO FUSION RESTAURANT WE BOUT TO OPEN UP ON BEDFORD CALLED "XIAO MANGU" (ALSO IF YOU HAVE A CLOTHING COMPANY THATS NOT CORNY AND ARE READING THIS SEND ME FREE SHIT GOOD LOOKS

Eddie: AITE, I GOT YOU MERO... “THE COCAINE FROM SPAIN BUT THE HEROIN IS AFRICAN” - JADA

ANYTIME YOU EAT DR/PR FOOD, ORDER THE MOFONGO. IT’S MASHED POTATOES FOR PEOPLE THAT REALIZE MASHED POTATOES IS LIKE THAT CRACK HO AVA DEVINE. SHE ONLY GOOD FOR CATCHING ALL THE FLAVORS BUT IS A BIG SLOPPY MESS HERSELF. WHY THE CHICK AT THE END OF A GOOD GANG BANG GOTTA BE SO BUSTED? WHY CAN’T IT BE A PRETTY BITCH LIKE THAT LEBANESE SHAWTY AMBER HEARD?

WELL, THE PUERTO RICANS AND DOMINICANS HAVE HEARD AND BLESSED US WITH THE PRETTY BITCH: MOFONGO. IT’S MADE BY FRYING PLANTAINS, MASHING THEM UP WITH SWEATED GARLIC, SALT, PEPPER, AND PERNIL. YOU CAN HAVE IT WITHOUT PERNIL BUT THAT’S LIKE USING NYC CONDOMS. YOU TELLING EVERYONE YOUR DICK AND MOFONGO IS A JOKE CAUSE CLEARLY YOU DON’T RESPECT EITHER ENOUGH TO SPEND THE EXTRA DOUGH ON SOME REAL JIMMYS AND PERNIL.

MALECON HAS A GOOD MOFONGO. IT HAS MORE PERNIL THAN USUAL, NOT AS GREASY AS EL CASTILLO DE JAGUA, THERE ARE NO DRIED BITS OF PLANTAIN AND TECHNICALLY IT IS THE BEST MOFONGO I’VE EVER HAD, BUT LIKE THAT NINJA IN CROCODILE DUNDEE SAID, “NEEDS MORE GARLIC.” THAT SAID, WHEN YOU A OUTSIDER EATING FOREIGN FOOD, YOUR PALETTE IS ALWAYS HEAVIER. YOU NEED MOTHER FUCKERS TO SCREAM CHINESE AT YOU AND SHIT CAUSE YOU THINK YOU WILL UNDERSTAND BETTER IF ITS LOUD. IT WORKS WITH SHITTY MUSIC LIKE “DEJA VU,” BUT NOT THE REST OF PETER GUNZ’S MUSIC, FOOD, OR FUNG WAH BUS DRIVERS. TRUE STORY, IF YOU GROW UP EATING A DISH, SENSE MEMORY KICKS IN AND YOU DON’T NEED YOUR MOM THROWING PLATES AND CHOPSTICKS WHILE YOU EAT TO ENJOY IT. YOU’RE LIKE, "CHILL MOMS I REMEMBER WHAT THIS BLACK BEAN TASTES LIKE SO YOU DON’T NEED TO PUT SO MUCH IN OR HIT ME WITH MULTIPLICATION TABLES."

THE PERNIL (ROAST PORK) WAS ON SOME NEXT SHIT. RESTAURANTS WITHOUT CUSTOMERS SERVE YOU PERNIL THAT’S BEEN SITTING UNDER A HEAT LAMP ALL DAY AND THEN WONDER WHY NO ONE FUCKS WITH THEIR SHIT. YOU PUTTIN CHICKEN BEFORE EGGS MAN. ITS NOT EVEN A QUESTION, YOU KNOW THE MOTHA FUCKIN EGGS CAME FIRST AND YOU KNOW AINT NO CUSTOMERS COMING JUST ON THE STRENGTH TO EAT YOUR SHITTY DRIED OUT PERNIL HOPING ONE DAY THERE WILL BE A HUNDRED PEOPLE MAGICALLY LINED UP SO YOU CAN STOP SERVING DOO DOO POPSICLES.

THE PERNIL HERE WAS TENDER, SOFT, AND MOIST LIKE THAT SONG "MARVIN’S ROOM." BUT UNLIKE THAT NASALLY ASS, CATERPILLAR EYE BROWED, CANUCK THAT GOT HIS FLAVOR COOKED OUT BY RHIANNA, THIS PERNIL MAINTAINED. YOU LOOKED INTO HER EYES AND GOT SHOOK BITCH! FEAR IS NOT FIREWORKS SON. FIREWORKS WOULD BE IF YOU ACTUALLY LAID IT DOWN RIGHT AND SHOT HER FULL OF BABY BATTER. BUT YOU NOT HOV, YOU NOT EVEN LENNY KRAVITZ, YOU CALLIN’ BITCHES DRUNK FROM SOME DUDE MARVIN’S ROOM. THE FUCK PART OF THE GAME IS THIS? WHO THE FUCK ENABLED THIS DRAKE SHIT? EVEN MY AGENT FUCKS WITH DRAKE NOW! IF I GET NOTES BACK ON MY BOOK LIKE, “HI, MR. HUANG, WE WOULD LIKE TO RECOMMEND THAT YOU TAKE THE CAPS LOCK OFF AND RE-WRITE YOUR BOOK FROM MARVIN’S ROOM,” I WILL SHOVE THAT CANDLE ON DRAKE’S ALBUM COVER SO FAR UP HIS ASS HE WILL SOUND LIKE WEEZY ON HIS NEXT RECORD.

I MEAN, FOR REAL, DOES NO ONE NOTICE THE GIANT FUCKING DILDO CANDLE ON THIS MAN’S ALBUM COVER? YOU CAN DEFINITELY DO BETTER SON, I WOULD RECOMMEND THE LEG LAMP FROM A CHRISTMAS STORY, THAT’S SOME REAL HOOD SHIT. AND YOU TALKIN’ BOUT CUPS OF X.O. THAT’S EXTRA BOUGEY. IF YOU PUTTING COKE IN YOUR HENNESSY, JUST STICK TO THE VS SON. AND IF YOU NOT PUTTING COKE IN YOUR HENNESSY, YOU ARE NOT KEEPIN IT MOTHER FUCKIN REAL. SHIT, BY APRIL I START PUTTING PINEAPPLE JUICE IN MY HENNESSY CAUSE THAT’S HOW IT WAS MEANT TO BE APPRECIATED: WITH PINEAPPLE JUICE IN A LAWN CHAIR.

DRAKE IS TEACHING A GENERATION OF KIDS TO CALL BITCHES DRUNK BEGGIN’ FOR IT. WHAT HAPPENED TO STANDING AROUND IN G-UNIT TANK TOPS AND ICE GRILLING BITCHES UNTIL THEY HATE FUCKED YOU? THAT’S GAME. CAN TONY YAYO PLEASE REINSTITUTE THAT FLOW? LIL’ NINJAS FUCK WITH DRAKE CAUSE HE’S BOY BAND MUSIC FOR THE HOOD. EVERYONE GOT A SPOT FOR BUTTER SOFT MUSIC ABOUT THE HIGH SCHOOL SHAWTIE IN BUGS BUNNY JORDANS THAT YOU WANT TO WIFE, BUT YOU GROW UP AND REALIZE THAT SHIT IS NOT REAL. WE DON’T NEED TO MAKE MORE OF THIS POISON CAUSE THAT CHICK IS GONNA GROW UP, TRADE IN HER JORDANS, STEAL YOUR MONEY FOR HEELS, AND BLOW ALL YOUR COKE WHEN YOU IN SCHOOL TRYING TO LIVE RIGHT. THEN YOU DROP OUT OF SCHOOL, GO IKE TURNER, AND YOU CAN’T EVEN GROW UP TO BE BABY SHAM CAUSE YOU ALL FUCKED UP. DRAKE IS A GATEWAY DRUG TO BITCH ASSNESS. OH YEA, THEN WE ATE OXTAIL...

MY ACE AT DOMINICAN RESTAURANTS IS: RABO GUISADO (OXTAIL STEW). OX TAIL IS THE HOOD CHAMP. IF YOU DON’T FUX WITH OX TAIL YOU MOST LIKELY WEAR TOMS AND USE DHALSIM WHEN PLAYING PEOPLE IN STREET FIGHTER. MALECON RABO GOT LESS TOMATO PASTE THAN USUAL AND THEY RELY ON THE MARROW. IT’S A DEEPER, MORE FLAVORFUL OXTAIL STEW THAN YOU WILL GET AT MOST DOMINICAN JOINTS AND I FUX WITH IT. I LIKED MALECON AND IF YOU IN THE HEIGHTS COPPIN’ HAZE YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY EAT HERE, HAVE A COFFEE, TAKE A SHIT, DONT WASH YOUR HANDS AND THEN GIVE YOUR MANS A FISTFUL OF STINKIES FOR THAT BAG OF HAZE YOU KNOW HE SHORTED YOU .20 ON. FUCK HIM, FUCK YOU, AND IF YOU A CHICK WHO CAN KEEP HER MOUTH SHUT AND GET MERO FREE CLOTHES, FUCK HIM TOO. JUST DON’T TELL HIS WIFE CAUSE SHE WILL TAKE THE T.V. IF SHE BOUNCES.

P.S. I REALIZED WHY MERO WRITES IN CAPS-LOCK. IT DISTRACTS WHITE PEOPLE FROM THE FACT THAT WE HAVE NO GRAMMAR SKILLS AND DON’T KNOW WHAT TO LOWER CASE AND WHAT TO CAPITALIZE. GOOD SHIT MERO, YOU JUST UPLIFTED ALL THE KIDS OF COLOR WHO CANT GRAMMAR BUT GOT WICKED JUMP SHOTS.

Tags: eddie-huang, mero, new-york, restaurant, malecon, blunted-in-the-walk-in
blog comments powered by Disqus