SERVE AS YUNG BERG’S BODYGUARD

• This will take some pretty extraordinary bravery ’cause the Yungster’s 100 pounds and rocks $50,000 worth of jewelry (or so his fleet-footed former manager says). But think of the benefits for humanity…OK there are no benefits for humanity, but this kid could use some backup.

SHOOT CANADIAN GEESE

• They look sweet like Yung Berg but in reality these winged bastards are twice as mean and weigh nearly as much. Kill ‘em ’cause they shit everywhere, kill ‘em ’cause they bite, kill ‘em ’cause they take out more planes than shoulder-propelled rocket launchers, just kill ‘em.

CLEAN OUT DICK CHENEY’S DUNGEON

• Two words: rubber gloves. And leave your Bill of Rights at home.

DRIVE CHARLES BARKLEY AROUND

• It’s 1:30 in the morning and Sir Charles wants to roll around the corner to get head from a female friend. Why on earth does this great man have to drive himself there?

TAKE THE LEAD IN THE AMY WINEHOUSE INTERVENTION

• This actually takes bigger cojones than protecting Yung Berg, but somebody should do it. Get yourself a leather jacket (for when she jumps at you with a razor blade) and practice this phrase: “Amy, I don’t love you, but for humanity’s sake, please get some help. The other crack addicts are worried you’re going to smoke up their supply and we can’t have that…”

Desperate times call for desperate measures: The music industry is still floundering, so artists gotta do what they can to make a buck. Enter SayNow, a service that allows fans to dial up their favorite celebrities. Each of SayNow’s nearly 300 artists'from big shots like 50 Cent to small fries like Young Twinn'have offered their cellphone numbers for Stans to call and leave messages. Apparently, the stars themselves will sometimes call back to leave messages of their own.

This concept was somewhat interesting when Mike Jones (remember him?) originated it, but now that pretty much anybody is offering their digits, the novelty is officially dead. Plus, you’ll have better luck finding a virgin in Hef’s mansion than someone over 13 who believes these artists are actually listening to these calls. But eff it, what if we really could just ring up our favorite celebs? See below to hear a sampling of phone greetings from celebs, and the messages we’d leave them…


JIM JONES, 917-675-3685

THE GREETING:
OUR MESSAGE: “It’s me, Killa. I miss you, doggie. I really mean it!”

RIHANNA, 347-767-5143

THE GREETING:
OUR MESSAGE: “You seen my new video, right??? You only WISH you could move like that with your bloated Caribbean ass. Try calling my man again, see what happens…now put a ring on that, BITCH.”

MIMS, 646-722-0350

THE GREETING:
OUR MESSAGE: “Um, hello Shawn? Yeah this is Dustin at Pinkberry, man. Dude, you gotta call if you’re not coming in. It’s really not cool, man. Just call me when you get this alright? OK, thanks Shawn.”

TILA TEQUILA, 860-256-8452

THE GREETING:
OUR MESSAGE: “Ms. Nguyen, this is Nancy from Dr. Cohen’s office. We may have found out the reason behind those sores. Please call us immediately, thank you.”

PLIES, 813-964-3813

THE GREETING:
OUR MESSAGE: “Why you ain't in Fort Myers? Be a man, one-tennnnnnnnnn. If you skurred of it, git out of it. Period, whoadie. That bullsheeeit you rap about???? Gahhhhh-bage.”

CASSIE, 917-720-7496

THE GREETING:
OUR MESSAGE: Hey sweetalicious snookums…been trying to reach you. Don’t believe what Aubrey says, baby. C’mon, you know me better than that, sexy lexie buggy bear. So, look, Kim’s out of town this weekend. Maybe we can cuddle and watch Wall-E again. Talk to you soon, honey bunny sugar booger wooger.”

YUNG BERG, 323-271-0572

THE GREETING:
OUR MESSAGE: “[*robot voice*] YUNG BERG, THIS IS YOUR CHAIN SPEAKING. WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME. PLEASE RESCUE ME FROM MY CAPTORS. WHY MUST I SUFFER…”

Be clear: We are not talking about video blogs from dudes like Diddy, Weezy, and Soulja Boy'though they are no less asinine, you’re allowed a little slack when you’ve proven you have actual fans. For this poll, we’re aiming directly at the lames who put out more web videos than actual music, the ones that clog up worldstarhiphop.com with their mindless fuckery. So who’s the worst video blogger of the bunch?

Click here to see the candidates and cast your vote!

In any case, the latest incident of manhood snatching befell poor widdle Yung Berg while the diddy-bopper cruised the mean streets of Detroit (what he was doing wearing jewelry in the D, we don’t know either). Needless to say, Berg is probably somewhere licking his wounds. But cheer up, lil’ buddy! You just entered a club whose members include hip hop’s elite.

To boost Berg’s gloomy disposition, Complex combed the annals (ayo!) of hip hop history (along with rumors and allegations as well) to compile an authoritative list of the most notorious chain snatchings ever. To be fair to the victims and the vickers, we rated each incident by how emasculating it was to their careers, as well as the probability that the snatching actually happened (since almost none of the incidents can be verified by police reports) . If you don’t read this blog, you’re just robbing yourself.

Click here to start the snatchin’!