If you can make it in New York, you can make it anywhere. If you can’t, you’re just a c-suckin’ sonovabitch. Star pitcher CC Sabathia, who just signed with the Yankees for seven years and $161 million, will soon find out if he can deal with the stress of hurling in the Big Apple. A fat, fun-loving California dude, he wanted to sign with a National League team in the Golden State, where life and baseball are sunny, but he took the Evil Empire’s money and now he’ll have to contend with cold weather, frigid fans, high expectations, over-involved owners and media that gets up in that ass more than a prison sugar daddy.

We’ll have to wait and see if Bronx Bummers boo the smile off his face, but in the meantime, check out six players who signed with the Yanks for big money as free agents and found out they were definitely not built for New York…

DANNY TARTABULL
The outfielder, who signed a five-year, $25-million contract after the 1991 season, was a decent hitter for the Yankees but interfering owner George Steinbrenner and fans attacked him publicly for not producing more. When he was traded, Tartabull said, “I feel like I’ve been released from jail.” He also said the team was going to be a “disaster” in 1996. He was right, if disaster means World Series champions.
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ED WHITSON
The pitcher played for the Yankees from 1985-86 and was booed for not living up to his high salary. Oh, and also ’cause he broke manager Billy Martin’s arm in a fight. Whitson hated the Yankees and their fans so much that, after leaving, he refused to sign baseball cards or pictures of him in which he wore pinstripes. Well, on the occasions he didn’t sign “Blow me.”
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HIDEKI IRABU
In 1997, the Yankees signed the chunky Japanese pitcher (nicknamed Hideki “I rob you” by sharp fans) to a four-year, $12.8 million contract. He won back-to-back World Series rings with the team in 1998 and 1999 but was a non-factor in the postseason. When his inconsistent production wasn’t the issue, his weight was. After the big fella lazily failed to cover first base on a ground ball in spring training, Steinbrenner called him a “fat pussy toad.” The owner, realizing he’d gone too far, later apologized publicly to any fat pussy toads he may have offended by comparing them to Irabu.
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CARL PAVANO
After signing a four-year, $39.5 million contract with the Yankees after the 2004 season, Pavano bombed in the Bronx because he proved injury-prone and everyone from fans to teammates questioned his work ethic and desire to get back out on the field. While many suspect he may have been faking injuries by the end because he hated everyone, we think he was suffering from a very real broken heart. Aww.
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JASON GIAMBI
The superhuman first baseman signed with the Yanks for seven years and $120 million in 2001 and slugged like only a steroid user can. Then in 2004 it came out that he’d been taking human growth hormone. The Giambino issued a vague apology for having done something wrong, then got off the juice and shrunk back to mere human size. Weighing testicular cancer and the World Series he never won them, warm and caring Yankees fans say, “Hey, alls we’re sayin’ is New Yawk has a lotta friggin’ great nut doctors…”

A private security team is going to protect the stadium from other would-be thieves now (like that’ll stop us). In honor of the fans’ five finger discount, after the cut Complex looks back at five great Yankee Stadium rip-offs. We’re stealin’ on ya!

DAMN YOU JETER

5. Remember that time you brought your chick to the ballpark and suddenly she became a huge Derek Jeter fan? He banged her while you were buying beers. Thought you should know.

PAVANO NEVER PAID OFF

4. Coming off an 18-8 record in 2004, free agent pitcher Carl Pavano signed with the Yanks for $39.95 million. In return he gave them stays on the disabled list with broken ribs, an elbow strain, a left hip injury and bruised buttocks (seventh inning stretch pause). For $500, he also sold them an HD TV box filled with cinder blocks.

YOUNG’N IS A BALL GRABBER

3. In the 1996 American League Championship Series against the Baltimore Orioles, with the Yanks down 4-3, 12-year-old fan Jeffrey Maier reached over the right field wall and deflected a Derek Jeter fly ball'one that Tony Tarasco might have caught'into the stands. Though it was obvious fan interference, the right field umpire ruled it a home run, tying a game the Bombers won with a home run in the 11th inning. Tough-as-nails crime fighter (and honorary Yankee fluffer) Mayor Rudy Giuliani punished the young punk for his thievery by giving him a key to the city. Lesson learned: It’s OK to steal from losers.

THERE WENT A-ROD’s PRIDE

2. In the 2004 American League Championship Series, the curse-breaking Boston Red Sox made history by taking four straight games from the Yankees to come back from an 0-3 deficit. The Sox not only stole the series, they also took A-Rod’s dignity when he tried to knock the ball out of pitcher Bronson Arroyo’s hand at first with a girlish slap. Heyyyyy!

SORRY FANS

1. For Yankee Stadium’s farewell season, the 2008 Yanks stank up the joint and eliminated themselves from playoff contention well before the end of the season, robbing fans of a meaningful pennant race or postseason play. Even Shea Stadium is getting a better sendoff with the Mets playing a critical final home stand'and that place is an absolute shithole.