Other sport sites are gonna base their predictions on things like “injuries” and “statistics” and other so-called meaningful metrics. To which we at Complex say (like an ump to Bobby Cox): “F*#% outta here.” Instead, we’ve worked our predictions around the important things in baseball, the essentials like players’ wifeys and ‘roid usage. Read on for our in-depth forecast of this year’s playoff action (check back in a couple weeks for our League Championship Series and World Series breakdowns)…

MATCHUP: Yankees vs. Twins
WIVES AND GIRLFRIENDS: Derek Jeter’s rumored to be engaged to Minka Kelly from “Friday Night Lights” while A-Rod and Kate Hudson have been going strong for most of the season. No, Hollywood types for the Twinkies, but closer Joe Nathan’s wife, Lisa Nathan could touch ‘em all for us. Advantage: Yankees
GOT JUICE?: A-Rod got the hook up from his cousin in the Dominican Republic back in ’03; Andy Pettitte used the juice to “heal” when training with Roger Clemens back in ’02. The Twins are reportedly clean as a whistle, with good reason—you can’t even score bootleg Oxycontin in Minneapolis. Advantage: Yankees
ON THE FIELD: The Yankees have the best record in the MLB and home field advantage throughout the playoffs; the Twins won 17 of their last 21 games to come back and take the AL Central with a win over the Detroit Tigers in a one-game playoff last night. New York took the season series over Minnesota 7-0. Advantage: Yankees
PREDICTION: Yanks have the juice, home field, and better wifey game, while the Twins are probably still hung over from last night’s victory. We’re taking the Bronx Bombers in a sweep, 3-0
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MATCHUP: Red Sox vs. Angels
WIVES AND GIRLFRIENDS: Red Sox pitcher Clay Bucholz is reportedly engaged to former “Deal or No Deal” suitcase model and host of HDnet’s “Get Out,” Lindsay Clubine. Angels 2B Howie Kedrick’s wife, Jody Kendrick. Advantage: Red Sox, slightly
GOT JUICE?: David “Big Papi” Ortiz was revealed to be one of the 103 positive tests in MLB’s initial round of steroid screenings in 2003. Boston pitcher Paul Byrd is accused of spending nearly $25k on HGH and syringes from 2002 to 2005. (He later claimed it was for a tumor in his pituitary gland. Right, and we drink to “forget.” Oh wait…) In 2007 Angels outfielder Gary Matthews Jr. was named in the Mitchell Report, garnering him the nickname Gary Matthews Juicer. Advantage: Red Sox
ON THE FIELD: The Sox rank 4th in batting average and slugging percentage but 16th in team ERA. The Angels are ranked 1st in team batting average and have the best record in the league next to the Yankees. Advantage: Angels
PREDICTION: Close but the Angels have better hitting and pitching by far. Pitching wins championships. Angels win in 5.
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