Then she started showing her nips in practically every episode and we started to wonder if MLP had let her new role get to her head. Has her wifey appeal gone up in smoke? In honor of the premiere of the fifth season of Weeds tonight, we decided to take a good long look at its leading lady. See the evidence and vote below…


WIFEY? Mary L. is a true friend of Mary J.
Have you ever had sex with Mary-Louise Parker…on weed?

TRIFEY? Her character on Weeds scares us a little .
Nancy rats out her man, sets fire to her house, and forgets about her two sons so often that one attempts to get her attention by masturbating to her photos, while the other dope-deals on the side. We’ve seen enough rappers get locked up to know that the life-imitating-art shit is not a game.

The show is a reality competition that puts a gang of second-rate famous people in a jungle in a survival-of-the-fittest type setting. Yawn. Sure Heidi “officially” got married on The Hills last night, but nothing lasts forever, especially when you’re dealing with a character like SPratt the Ghost. Would you put a ring on it? Read on to see the evidence and vote on whether she’s a wifey or a trifey…


WIFEY? She loves plastic surgery.
When she’s older you won’t have to worry about suggesting a tummy tuck, or getting her tits re-done. Heidi is as plastic as a Barbie doll and will be the first one to realize when her looks are falling off.

TRIFEY? She gets real jealous.
Heidi was so overprotective over Spencer in recent episodes that she used to confront girls at who really didn’t even do anything wrong. That shit’s not cool, especially for people like us who flirt our asses off when our chick is at home cleaning up the apartment and doing dishes.

We’ve never really thought of Sasha Grey as wifey material. Maybe it’s those 150-plus movies she’s made where guys with elephantitis of the dong degrade her for money. Yes, it’s difficult to imagine a porn star as our boo, but ever since we saw her in a real acting role, playing a prostitute in Steven Soderbergh’s art film The Girlfriend Experience, we’ve wondered if she might actually be someone worth showing the ring too (and we’re not even talking about the one that keeps us fully engorged).

Granted, playing a high class whore isn’t that big a stretch for Sasha, but at least she didn’t get choked out by any monster cocks. It’s a step in the right direction, so Complex is willing to give her a shot or two (and a chance to vie for the title of wifey!). Check out the arguments for both sides and help us decide if Sasha Grey deserves to walk the aisle in an off-white gown…


WIFEY?
Sasha is a serious actress. No really. Even before The Girlfriend Experience, she tackled important issues and put a mirror up to people’s faces. If not for her films, how would we know about the perils of smoking (Throat: A Cautionary Tale), the evils of corporate malfeasance (Face Fucking, Inc.) or the environmental impact of gas guzzling (Cum Fart Cocktails 5)?

TRIFEY?
We’ll accept that she can really act if she ever plays a character who doesn’t have sex for money. Unlike Sasha, when a dude is pinching her nose and making sweet love to her esophagus, we’re not holding our breath. Speaking of which, will Sasha ever be able to produce tears without a dog leash and something to gag on? Meryl Streep she’s not.

And really what’s not to love? She’s hot, talented and classy. She’s so much of a triple threat we put her on our cover a little while ago. But no one, no one is the perfect girl, and we’re sure Swizzy’s ex-wife to be Mashonda has a different view of A. Keys, so we’ve put the Hell’s Kitchen-raised hottie through our ultimate test. Check out the evidence and cast your vote on whether Alicia is a wifey or a trifey. Showtime!


WIFEY?
Alicia is involved in many charities and is also co-founder of the “Keep a Child Alive” project that provides medicine to families with HIV and AIDS in Africa. Her generosity will definitely come in handy if when we get our “I’m-Going-to-Stay-Home-and-Watch-Sportscenter-All-Day” fund going.

TRIFEY?
Alicia had a long-term relationship with Kerry Brothers who goes by the nickname “Krucial.” (She allegedly made dude wait a year before letting him smash. Which is kinda old school wifey, but then again she did let him hit it, which is kinda any school ugh.) Krucial huh? Sounds like a douche bag to us. Even Cool or Dre would’ve been a step-up, and those guys make Sean Kingston look cool.

Until recently, there would have been no doubt in our minds that Natalie Portman is wifey material. She’s a smoking hot Harvard grad who makes good money acting and has both a sense of humor and a genuine concern about sociopolitical issues. Then we heard those trife-licious rumors that our Israeli dream girl is the reason Sean Penn and his wife Robin Wright are getting divorced with two kids in the balance. Deep thinkers that we are here at Complex, we had to sit and reevaluate Natty P on some scholarly shit. Check out the evidence, then help us decide if she gets the ring or the fling…


WIFEY?
• Two wifey musts: She’ll shave if role playing calls for it, and she’s got that good skull.

TRIFEY?
• When we watched young Natalie looking for love with older men in The Professional and Beautiful Girls we were secretly turned on figured that was superb child acting. Now that the 27-year-old minx has allegedly broken up 48-year-old Penn’s marriage, it appears those “performances” may have their roots in real daddy issues. We’d give her a “timeout” and a stern talking to if we didn’t think she’d love it.

CLICK NEXT TO SEE MORE EVIDENCE AND VOTE!

But now that Kelis is back on the market, it’s time for us to assess her viability as a wifey, or a trifey. So you know the deal, we present the evidence, you be the judge. Is the former Mrs. Jones worth putting a ring on, or should you get your Dr. Knockboot on and trife Ms. Bossy out? Read on for the evidence and to cast your vote…

WIFEY: She’s super supportive.
• We’re not sure what their wedding vows consisted of, but we’d bet our coveted “Illmatic” promotional tee that it didn’t include making a fool of herself for the benefit of her hubby’s career. But, in the face of one of the most asinine marketing campaigns in rap history, she sucked it up, squeezed into some gold skin tight jeans and strutted down the red carpet in a jacket with the word “Nigger” on the back, all for her beau. Call us crazy, but that’s love. We didn’t see Beyonce rockin’ a “Kingdom Come” t-shirt.

TRIFEY: Her favorite number is 730
• If her first single “Caught Out There,” where she screams “I hate you so much right now!” at the top of her lungs wasn’t indication enough that home girl is a little off her bedazzled rocking chair, she was arrested in March of 2007 for attempting to attack two cops while they were working undercover as prostitutes. We hate cops and as much as the next person, but that kind of spontaneity can’t be good for the long haul.

CLICK NEXT TO SEE MORE EVIDENCE & VOTE!

Or would we simply trife her? Or would we simply be content to just stalk her innocuously, satisfying ourselves with a glimpse of her most trife-tastic frame? Regardless of the reality (in which we would do our best, only to have her chuckle maternally and pat our heads before we grabbed one of her breasts, made a honking sound and ran for our lives), this is our house—and so it’s our prerogative to decide for ourselves. Ergo: wifey or trifey? You be the judge, but first consult our copious and curvaceous evidence…

WIFEY: She’ll Pause for a Cause
Hayek testified before the U.S. Senate Committee in 2005 in support the Violence Against Women Act. Wait, does that mean we can’t beat? We’re here all weeks, folks. Please direct your outrage to deeznuts@complex.com.

TRIFEY: Prince Got Next
The Purple One featured a track on his latest Target-only album (”Valentina”) that was dedicated to her. And as confident we are in our own bedroom-bully status, something tells us that if that pencil-mustachioed woodland elf had his freaky way with her, she’d turn into some sort of Paisley Park zombie, no Wendy and Lisa. (Side note: we realize this photo has nothing to do with Prince. But who would you really rather look at?)

CLICK NEXT TO SEE MORE EVIDENCE & VOTE!

By now you’ve surely become acquainted with the infamous “Asian Hipster Grifter,” Ms. Kari Ferrell. Hmmm, let’s see…a promiscuous Korean chick bedding, then bilking, a bunch of unwitting cool guys? This shit’s hitting just a little too close to home.

So—after we all deleted her contact from our BlackBerries—we decided to take a closer look at this cunningly cunty con artist. On first (and second, and 1,000th) glance, Kari appears to be the absolute definition of a trifey…but then again, could she just be misunderstood? Is she secretly a wifey in disguise? We present our case below, and then you can vote for yourself…


WIFEY: She’s Korean…and adopted.
You know, an Asian chick minus the overbearing Asian family. That means no unidentifiable meats or forced broken-English banter when you meet the ‘rents! Score!

TRIFEY: She has an “I Love Beards” tattoo.
The neck-piece we can deal with, but this shit right here? That’s got “Williamsburg train” written all over it, and we ain’t talking ’bout the JMZ.

CLICK NEXT TO SEE MORE OF THE ASIAN HIPSTER GRIFTER…

Two-time Complex cover model Cassie keeps it right and keeps it tight. We of course refer to the right side of her head, which she recently shaved for either self-expression or, according to rapper and celebrity hairstyle expert Fabolous, cheap publicity. The look isn’t for everyone, and neither is Cassie. Word on the gossiping-ass streets is that she and her boyfriend, entertainment mogul Sean “Diddy” Combs, are crazy in love and may soon marry.

Personally, Complex would hate to have her legally off the market, but if Puff makes her happy, damn him, er, so be it. But before dude pops the question, we had to put our homegirl to the wifey/trifey test to see if she really is marriage material. Here’s to hoping she’s not—until she realizes she’s meant to be with us, that is. Hit the jump to read the wife/trife evidence and to cast your vote…


WIFEY
We love a woman who’ll spontaneously shave. Especially if she’s willing to wear a schoolgirl outfit.

TRIFEY?
Her single “Official Girl” was about a “fictional” side piece who wants to be wifed up. It definitely had nothing to do with rumors that Cassie was mic-checking her current boyfriend Diddy while he was still married to Kim Porter.

CLICK NEXT SEE MORE EVIDENCE (AND MORE PICS OF CASSIE!)

That’s right, the now three-year-old reality schlock-u-drama has officially graduated from guilty pleasure to full-tilt anthropological fascination for us: Where else can we examine such an incredible collection of trifeys in their native element? This season we’ll be focusing our attention on Audrina Patridge, the brunette BFF-usurper who’ll be leaving after this installment to start her own show. Who knows, we might even wife her. Check out the evidence below and vote in this edition of our weekly Wifey/Trifey Showdown.

WIFEY?
• Say what you will, AP is a real go-getter. Last year, at the height of The Hills pre-buzz, she leaked a gallery of nude pictures she’d taken a few years before, simultaneously scooping the web-arazzi and overshadowing her castmates. Sure, having a bunch of nude flicks of your main chick floating around the Internet isn’t exactly ideal, but in this economy, you’ve got to admire a woman who makes bold career moves.

TRIFEY?
• Well, you see the thing about those nude pics is that they were taken just after Audrina graduated from high school, in the hopes she’d attract interest from Playboy. So her first move after high school was to do a nude pictorial on spec. We’ll just let that one sink in with you for a moment…

CLICK NEXT TO SEE MORE EVIDENCE!

Keep holding your breath, America: Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are not engaged! JT addressed the rumors that we were completely unaware of on Oprah Friday–but that didn’t stop JB from, uh, going diamond shopping (we can pass along secondhand news as well as anyone, thun!). Presumptuous or not, it raises the inevitable question: is Biel a wifey or a trifey? Check out reasoning below, then vote for yourself…


WIFEY: She’s Turned On Her Heartlight
As co-founder with her father of the Make the Difference Network, she tries to connect small charity organization with donors–because everyone deserves a chance. We agree, but she just won’t answer our e-mails.

TRIFEY: …And Her High Beams
One too many wet-clothes Roles for our comfort. Not that we don’t enjoy watching them, we just don’t know if we’d be so down with the Nippledemus & Pliers act if we were her man. Diddly-whoa-oh-ohhhh!

CLICK NEXT TO SEE MORE HOT PICS OF JESSICA BIEL

But since we live in a society of double standards and female objectification, we have to ask the same question of her we ask of famous and beautiful women every Monday'would you buy her a ring, or an anklet? Is her ringtone “Real Love” or “Bust It Baby”? Is she a wifey…or a trifey? Now’s your chance to vote. We make like a DA investigating a shady suicide and present the evidence after the jump…


WIFEY: Physical Fitness
She keeps her frame like a '90s fade: High and tight. That’s arm candy like whoa, and best believe we’d willy wonk 'er.

TRIFEY: Her Juicy Couture
Her apparel is definitely verging on some trifematic tendencies. [mrblackwell] Studded stilettos with ankle cuffs? Did you fall off the Rock of Love bus? [/mrblackwell]

CLICK NEXT TO SEE MORE EVIDENCE AND VOTE!

Kelly Clarkson didn’t ask viewers if she looked fat in her outfit when she appeared on American Idol last week to sing “My Life Would Suck Without You,” but America was kind enough to answer yes. After the show, the Internets started a rumor that Clarkson is pregnant (on stage, she told Ryan Seacrest that she’s not currently dating anyone; a record label rep has since said that the rumor is false). Thanks for making a girl feel good about herself, America.

Still, the thought of Clarkson knocked up got us to wondering if she’d make a good wife’assuming you’re one of those saps who marries the woman he impregnates (if we lived by that code, we’d have to move to Utah and buy a bigger house). Check out the cases for Kelly Clarkson being a wifey and a trifey and cast your vote to determine which she is…


WIFEY?
• Nobody wants an insecure chick who’s constantly complaining about how fat she is. Clarkson’s parents raised her to be proud of her curves, so she’s cool with being big boneded. Which is good, considering the enormity of our manhood.

TRIFEY?
• She’s already got that “I’ve been wifed up five years” thickness about her. And with her Greek genes, it won’t be long before we’re looking back on these as her petite years.

Tonight marks the return of Dancing With The Stars (8 p.m., ABC) the show loved by all of America'except you, us and pretty much everybody we know. Yeah, the show is a little lame, but we’ll be keeping closer tabs this season, as Lil’ Kim is putting on her dancing shoes. The ex-GF of B.I.G. (R.I.P., 12 years today) joins randoms like Steve-O, LT and Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak(!) as contestants. Nice. We might even catch an episode this season.

In honor of Kim’s debut tonight, we’re giving Brooklyn’s baddest bitch the Wifey or Trifey treatment. Now the answer may seem obvious upon first glance, but perhaps our evidence may sway you. So, is Lil’ Kim a lockdown or a bustdown? Keep reading to see the evidence and cast your vote!


WIFEY: Her face is starting to look normal again.
• You know when you’re really really hungry'like eat-shit hungry'but you don’t eat anything and then eventually you’re not hungry any more? That’s kind of like Kim’s face. Everybody clowned her for getting more and more work done but she’s gotten so much plastic surgery that all of a sudden her face is almost starting to look normal again. Almost.

TRIFEY: But she still has days like these.
• That’s called Nip/(What the)Fuck!?!

High Priestess of the Church of Scientology Katie Holmes is shedding pounds, and sadly they’re not the 115 pounds that are her tiny lunatic husband, Tom Cruise. Holmes has appeared gaunt recently, as noted by the highly respected physician gossipmongers at Fox News here. The exact cause of her dramatic weight loss is not known. Is she crying out for help, having realized she’s trapped in a cult and married to a cult leader? Is she attempting to flush evil thetans out of her bodily temple? Is she getting set to star in The Machinist II: The Regurgitation?

Holmes is one half of the craziest couple in Hollywood but that doesn’t necessarily mean her coconut is cracked. Perhaps Cruise is just so crazy he makes her look 7:30 too? Maybe there’s still a workable wifey underneath all the insanity? Read the arguments as Complex puts Holmes to the wifey/trifey test and vote to decide if she’s a lost cause or a prize find…


WIFEY?
Holmes never had “birthing hips,” but her body is capable of reproducing. OK, maybe not in it’s current skeletal state. It’s not like we’d actually want to make a fire with those sticks anyway.

TRIFEY?
Tom Cruise is 16 years older and several inches shorter than Holmes is. We’re not saying that his millions or his power in the alternate universe of Scientology seduced her, but hey, we’d bang him for that kind of security…What? Dude gets points on the back end!

Spanish stunner Penélope Cruz struck gold yesterday at the 81st Annual Academy Awards, taking home the Best Supporting Actress Oscar for Vicky Christina Barcelona. In the Woody Allen film, she steals the show as María Elena, Javier Bardem’s suicidal and psychotic ex-wife.

It’s not the first time Cruz has played an unstable woman who causes problems for the man in her life, and since we at Complex find it difficult to separate cinema from real life, we’ve been wondering if Cruz might really be an unbalanced trifey type. The only way to know for sure is to put her to the Wifey/Trifey test. Check out the evidence on both sides and cast your vote to determine her fate…


WIFEY?
She’s currently dating her Vicky Christina Barcelona co-star Javier Bardem, who is a sophisticated Spanish gentleman (if you disregard the photo above). Clearly she has good taste in men. Not that we look at attractive, strapping dudes like that or anything…

TRIFEY?
Before Bardem, Cruz dated outspoken Scientologist Tom Cruise, her co-star in Vanilla Sky. Now, we might be able to shrug off a casual fling with a nut like him, but she was with him for a couple years, and after that much time she officially qualifies as a high priestess/concubine for Xenu, alien ruler of the Galactic Confederacy. We’re not sure we want to invade her space anymore.

So with Bobby Brown and crack in her rear-view mirror (so far so good, one day at a time, etc.) we ask: Is Ms. Houston now more wifey or trifey? Examine the evidence for yourself and vote below.

WIFEY?
Whitney’s long been a champion of a variety good causes, from her strong anti-apartheid stance in the ’80s to her Whitney Houston Foundation for Children. Apparently the rumors that she used to take in wayward Jacksons are false though.

TRIFEY?
She once kissed Kevin Costner (Jesus, we hope it was just once). It was for a movie role, but fuck it, that shit is disgusting.

Click through to see the evidence and to cast your vote!

¡Feliz cumpleaños, Shakira! The Colombian singer, who turns 32 today, has been working on her next album. Shots recently surfaced on the Internet of her in the studio with the Neptunes’ Pharrell Williams. Shots also appeared on our desktop of Shakira’s semi-nude hips gyrating. Soon after, shots also appeared on the inside of our trousers.

Though her music is hit or miss for us, we absolutely want to hit the Colombiana of Italian, Spanish and Lebanese descent. But there are some things about her that make us think we might just want to hit and quit. So, Complex decided to give Shakira the best gift she’ll get today'the privilege of possibly being rated official wifey material on our fine site. Check out the arguments for wife and trife status and cast your vote to determine her eternal fate!


WIFEY?
With a reported IQ of 140, Shakira has brains to match her buns. She’s a native Spanish speaker, is fluent in English, Portuguese and Italian and also speaks a little Arabic. Plus she enjoys reading about the history and culture of the places she travels to. It’s always nice to know that your junk will never be the smartest thing to come out of her mouth.

TRIFEY?
Her discography includes Oral Fixation, Vol. 1, Oral Fixation, Vol. 2 and live recordings from her Oral Fixation Tour. Chances are you’re the only person left on Earth who hasn’t experienced her oral.

CLICK NEXT SEE MORE EVIDENCE AND VOTE!

Though it was quite possibly the worst film ever thanks to boyish Leonardo DiCaprio and the vocal stylings of Celine Dion, Titanic gets a pass for introducing the world to young British actress Kate Winslet in 1997. An all-natural beauty who has eschewed Hollywood (big fake tits and bigger blockbusters) for actual acting cred and a relatively normal life, the 33-year-old mother of two is still floating our boat. Her tide is rising higher still in 2009, as she’s been winning awards left and right for her work in The Reader and Revolutionary Road.

Now Complex bestows upon her the even greater honor of being sized up in a Wifey or Trifey showdown. Check out the case for both and cast your vote to determine of she’s a do-right woman or just going down like she struck an iceberg.


WIFEY?
They are real. And they’ve got Oprah’s approval.

TRIFEY?
Winslet comes from a family of convincing liars actors. But sure, when she tells you that she didn’t enjoy kissing Leonardo DiCaprio and that she called you “Leo” in bed because, like a lion, you’re king of her jungle of love, you can definitely trust her.

Yesterday was a nice break from the tedium, though, thanks to the crazy brouhaha between MTV2 veejay-turned-kinda-rapper Amanda Diva and the Complex Media homie eskay over at Nahright on behalf of his commenters (A real-life Twitter fight! Complex wins again!). Since people got so worked up, we figured we’d take a sober look at the situation as only we can. Which is to say: is she worth it?

Click here to see the evidence and cast your vote!