This week came the news that running back Larry Johnson had signed with the 7-2, AFC Central-leading Cincinnati Bengals after being released by the 2-7, AFC West cellar-dwelling Kansas City Chiefs, who, despite their woeful performance this year, cashiered the former Pro Bowler for (among other things) Chris Brownin’ broads in the club, dissing Chiefs head coach Todd Haley on Twitter, and using gay slurs to address the media. It turns out though that LJ isn’t the first to make a similar worst to first upgrade based on his own fuckery, as you’ll see with our History of Upward Failing Athletes…

DARRYL STRAWBERRY
TEAMS: From 1995 San Francisco Giants to 1996 New York Yankees
UPWARD FAIL: How do you get back at the league for suspending you for sniffing a little coke? How about joining the biggest American sports franchise right as they’re on the brink of a dynasty. The Giants went on to finish in last place both in ‘95 and ‘96, while Darryl scooped up three rings with the Yankees in ‘96, ‘98 and ‘99. Damn, revenge is a hell of a drug, too.

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ANDRE RISON
TEAMS: 1995 Cleveland Browns to 1996 Green Bay Packers
UPWARD FAIL: Rison had the worst season of his career in ‘95, just as the Browns were in the process of relocating to Baltimore. The fans weren’t too happy and let Rison know at the home games. His response? “We didn’t make the fucking move. So, for all the booers, fuck you too! I’ll be glad when we get to Baltimore, if that’s the case.” Rison never made it to Baltimore because after a brief stint with the Jaguars in ‘96, he went to the Packers that same season to help Brett Favre and the boys win Super Bowl XXXI.

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ISAIAH RIDER
TEAMS: 2000 Atlanta Hawks to 2000-01 Los Angeles Lakers
UPWARD FAIL: Arrests, mandatory drug counseling by the NBA, and showing up late to games got J.R. released by the Hawks after the lockout-shortened 2000 season. Rider landed on his feet though, signing to the Lakers where he played off the bench the majority of the season and won a ring despite being left off the playoff roster. See kids, fuckery can lead to success. Well, at least temporarily.

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TERRELL OWENS
TEAMS: 2003 San Francisco 49ers to 2004 Philadelphia Eagles
UPWARD FAIL:After the ‘03 season a contract dispute occurred when T.O.’s now former agent, David Joseph, forgot to void the remaining years of his contract with the 49ers, resulting in the team retaining rights to Owens. After much whinging by Owens, S.F. traded him to the Eagles for a draft pick and defensive end Brandon Whiting. T.O. went on to play in his first Super Bowl that season with Donovan McNabb, before bitching his way out of Philly as well.

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JIMMY JACKSON
TEAMS: 2004 New Orleans Hornets to 2004-05 Phoenix Suns
UPWARD FAIL: The Hornets were in the rebuilding process and acquired Jackson to help bring along younger players on the team. J.J. didn’t go in for that mentoring shit, and never even showed up in Nola. The Hornets then traded him to the Suns where Jackson made it to the Conference Finals in consecutive seasons, which was just a little better than the Hornets, who had a combined record of 56-108 over those campaigns.

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RANDY MOSS
TEAMS: 2006 Oakland Raiders to 2007 New England Patriots
UPWARD FAIL: Moss wrapped up his feelings about playing for 2-14 Oakland pretty succinctly in an ‘06 interview: “Maybe because I’m unhappy and I’m not too much excited about what’s going on, so, my concentration and focus level tend to go down sometimes when I’m in a bad mood.” Such sentiments got Randy shipped to the Patriots in ‘07 (for a fourth-round draft choice) where he set records with his new BFF Tom Brady and participated in the only 16-0 regular season in NFL history. The Raiders? Well, they doubled their win total from ‘06 and finished 4-12. Yeah if we went from worst to near perfect we’d have that same Kool-Aid smile Moss is sportin’ in the pic above too.

STEPHON MARBURY
TEAMS: 2009 New York Knicks to 2009 Boston Celtics
UPWARD FAIL:You would figure hooking up with an intern in the back of your truck, threatening your coach with blackmail, going MIA for a few days, and just refusing to play would get you out of your contract quickly. It actually took Marbury a few years but it was worth the wait when he joined the defending champ Boston Celtics last season, who went to the playoffs while the Knicks went fishin’. Too bad Starbury was one season late for the Celts world championship, and a bit too crazy to stay on the roster for this season.

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ADAM MORRISON
TEAMS: 2009 Charlotte Bobcats to 2009 Los Angeles Lakers
UPWARD FAIL: The worst teams get the top draft picks in order to maintain competition in the league, but A-Mo, the third overall pick in the ‘06 draft, wasn’t doing much for the failing Bobcats, so they shipped him to L.A., where he was there riding the pine when the Lakers picked up their 15th NBA title. Although our favorite tennis hottie slaying bench boy will probably see more playing time than him this season.

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VICENTE PADILLA
TEAMS: 2009 Texas Rangers to 2009 Los Angeles Dodgers
UPWARD FAIL: 2009 didn’t start off so hot for Vicente: he caught swine flu and was released from the Rangers (despite Texas being in playoff contention themselves) for being a “disruptive presence in the clubhouse.” But he got picked up by the L.A., where he went 4-0 down the stretch, and won the clinchin Game 3 of the NLDS, all while the Rangers were at home carving pumpkins.

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LARRY JOHNSON
TEAMS: 2009, Kansas City Chiefs to Cincinnati Bengals
UPWARD FAIL: Larry Johnson is the most recent addition to this lucky group. Makes us think some of the Lions should his strategy of picking up felony assault charges and going in on the head coach via Twitter to get out of the endless cycle of losing. Although don’t take it too far and end up like this guy.

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Assuming that anything posted on Stephon Marbury’s Twitter page is sane and to be believed, twinkle-twinkling Starbury is set to float off into the cosmos of retirement. Monday night, with a lot more ellipses, he posted, “Done. Forever. Blessings. Basketball is just a game. I will say it again. 14 years 250 million. Hold that. I’m good. Thank you jesus for the blessing. Thanks NBA.” The word is that he wants to pursue television and web opportunities, which means we probably haven’t seen the last of his him. Still, his special brand of lunacy won’t be coming to a court near you, so Complex puts ten of his craziest moments up to remember the weirdness that was.

Date: 2005
What Marbury did: Had sex with an MSG intern in the back seat of his SUV after meeting her at a Mount Vernon strip club, where she was celebrating her birthday with other interns.
Why it’s crazy: The pickup line “Are you going to get in the truck?” got his tip wet.

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Date: July 1, 2007
What Marbury did: While interviewing with Bruce Beck on Mike’d Up, he appeared drugged and/or mentally unstable, making completely incoherent statements, breaking out out into dance, answering his cell phone on air, and referring to his wife as his “better ho.”
Why it’s crazy: We were under the impression that when you put a ring on it a woman officially becomes your best ho.

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Date: July 17, 2007
What Marbury did: Told the New York Post he’d play in Italy when his NBA contract was up because his wife enjoyed visiting the country. He compared the move to international soccer icon David Beckham signing with the L.A. Galaxy so he and his wife Victoria “Posh Spice” could go Hollywood.
Why it’s crazy: Italy doesn’t grant work visas to loons from other countries who mistake themselves for global icons.

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Date: August 20, 2007
What Marbury did: Expressed support for admitted dog fighter Michael Vick, telling Albany TV station Capital News 9 that he thinks it’s hypocritical that hunters can kill other animals for sport and it’s OK but #7 gets prison time for participating in what Steph hears is a sport, “just behind closed doors.”
Why it’s crazy: Lunacy smells like raw meat to underfed dogs.

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Date: November 12, 2007
What Marbury did: When he learned that coach Isiah Thomas was benching him, Steph confronted him 30,000 feet in the air, then reportedly told teammates: “Isiah has to start me. I’ve got so much shit on Isiah and he knows it. He thinks he can fuck me. But I’ll fuck him first. You have no idea what I know.”
Why it’s crazy: You can’t blackmail someone after you’ve just publicly blown up their spot and lost a sexual harassment suit for them.

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Date: July 2008
What Marbury did: Tattooed the Starbury logo on the side of his head.
Why it’s crazy: Making affordable basketball sneakers was noble, so we understand his pride as a entrepreneur and spokesman, but putting the brand’s logo on his head right before the exclusive retailer files for Chapter 11 bankruptcy is a about 75 cents short of a dollar.

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Date: December 16, 2008
What Marbury did: Banned from attending Knicks practices and games until the team could get him to agree to a contract buyout and send his ass packing, Steph bought a courtside seat to see them play the Lakers in Los Angeles and make things uncomfortable.
Why it’s crazy: He paid waaay too much attention to the game to be sitting that close to the court in L.A.

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Year: July 24, 2009
What Marbury did: Began broadcasting his life 24/7 on the live stream website Justin.tv.
Why it’s crazy: A day in the life of Starbury involves stripper dancing topless (even if it wasn’t to “Barbie Girl”), crying to Kirk Franklin, and eating Vaseline (to help the crazy pills go down).

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Year: August 13, 2009
What Marbury did: After TMZ.com posted a video that appeared to show Steph smoking weed while being chauffeured, he told the site that he does indeed get high occasionally because he’s not under contract.
Why it’s crazy: He’s not under contract. Nor will he be until the Humboldt County Crazy Highs become an NBDL team.

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First things first: at this point the allegations in the sexual harassment lawsuit filed against New York’s belittled center Eddy Curry yesterday are just that'allegations. But they’re totally bizarre, and given the Knicks’ recent history, totally in keeping with the spirit of the team (OK, so the loaded gun and the Cam’ron lyrical references are a new touch). Don’t believe us? Peruse our history of Knicks sex scandals and judge for yourself…

EDDY CURRY AND HIS DRIVER
• Curry’s hired driver of three years David Kuchinsky alleges that the chronically overweight and under-rebounding Knick propositioned him multiple times, including approaching him in the nude and asking him to “come and touch it.” Kuchinsky’s lawsuit also claims that Curry called him a “cracker” and, almost as bad, pointed a loaded gun at him on two occasions. If true, these allegations would make Kuchinsky the second most abused driver in the Tri-State area’s NBA history.

ISIAH THOMAS AND ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS
• The Knicks were forced to pay Sanders $11.6 million to settle the sexual harassment suit she filed against Thomas. A former team executive, Sanders alleged that Thomas called her a bitch after she spurned his sexual advances. Fortunately Knicks fans do not face similar punishment for calling Thomas a bitch for spurning any semblance of common sense in constructing a basketball team.

ANTHONY MASON AND THE UNDERAGE GIRLS
• In 1998 Mason pleaded guilty to child endangerment charges after he and his cousin were initially charged with statutory rape for allegedly having sex with a 14-year-old and 15-year-old girl. The more serious charges against Mason were dropped after DNA tests failed to link him to the girls (to this day prosecutors are miffed that pictures of the phrase “Mase was here” written in the girls’ hair were deemed inadmissable).

PATRICK EWING AND THE GOLD CLUB
• Yes Virginia, there is sex in the champagne room (provided you’re a 7 foot tall multimillionaire basketball star). Knick icon Ewing was the first athlete to testify in the prostitution trial of the owners of Atlanta’s Gold Club, who were alleged to have paid dancers at their strip joint to service high profile clients. Pat copped to receiving two blowjobs, but denied being a john since he didn’t pay for anything (makes sense to us).

STEPHON MARBURY AND THE INTERN
• During the Thomas-Sanders sexual harassment trial, it came to light that the Knicks star-crossed point guard had had sex with a team intern in the back of his SUV. The intern freely conceded to a tryst with Stephon (unconfirmed accounts of her testimony claim that she admitted to “passing about as much as he does”). However she vehemently denied manufacturing and selling bootleg Starburys.

It’s been a long off-season for the New York Knicks and their number one supporter, Captain Knick (they get considerably longer when you’re eliminated from playoff contention a month into the season). After hiring new General Manager Donnie Walsh and replacing disgraced Coach and Chief Executive Officer of Sexual Harassment and Xenophobia Isiah Thomas with former Phoenix Suns coach Mike D’Antoni, there’s reason to believe something better is in store for the Big Apple.

Look, the preseason hasn’t even begun and already the Knicks are tied for first place! Before they lose a game and the shine wears off, check out five reasons Cappy is amped for the ‘08-’09 season…


INTERNATIONAL INCIDENTS!
They call Gallinari “The Rooster,” but he’s no cockboy.
In his first draft as Knicks GM, Walsh ended Thomas’s policy of never drafting foreigners by selecting 20-year-old Italian small forward Danilo Gallinari. The main question surrounding him is not how quickly he will develop against bigger, stronger opponents but how much MSG will play up his ethnic white-dentity for fans passionate about all things pale. Like the Mets, who play Dropkick Murphy’s “Shipping up to Boston” as walk-up music for Floridian “McOutfielder” Daniel “Danny Boy” Murphy, the Knicks are not above playing JumboTron clips of Rocky, selling cannolis at concession stands, and having the Knick City Strippers Dancers break out the Tarantella! Viva Italia!

HEART-POUNDING ACTION!
Eddy Curry heart conditions NY.
An out of shape starting center with heart problems whose specialty is planting his plentiful cellulite in the post gets a new coach who employs a fast-paced, seven-seconds-or-less offense! Sounds like sitcom gold, but it’s reality TV for the Knicks! Tune in to see how high Coach D’Antoni can push Eddy “I sweat Twinkie filling” Curry’s heart rate before his heart explodes! Then what will all those hateful bastards who said he had no heart say?

EXPIRING CONTRACTS!
You’re offering a paper bag for Marbury…? Deal!
Normally, when saddled with underperforming players’ big contracts, you’d try to trade them away for a mayonnaise sandwich. Seeing as no team wants to disrespect a mayo sammie by taking NY’s trash, the Knicks are stuck waiting for shitty contracts to expire. Stephon Marbury (owed $21,937,500 this season) and Malik Rose ($7,647,500) come off the books at the end of the year, which means that with every game the Knicks are a $360,792.68 hemorrhage closer to financial flexibility. For anyone scoring, that’s 29,585,000 L’s and one huge win!

SPAR-BURY!
Two men enter, one man leaves. It’s a Marbury-D’Antoni cage match, bitches!
Wild card Stephon Marbury has publicly feuded with his last two coaches and officially challenged Ron Artest for the title of NBA’s craziest player, but he’s apparently in the best shape of his career (he’s even got an upcoming fitness video'available for the holidays!'to prove it). After initially declaring himself the team’s starting point guard, he said he’d accept any role when word leaked that Coach D’Antoni prefers him as a shooting guard off the bench. Starbury’s deference should last about a New York minute'coincidentally as long as it takes him to ask an intern if she wants to fuck in his truck.

LOW EXPECTATIONS!
If you set the bar low enough, the Knicks will still trip over it.
After tying the club’s worst record (23-59) twice in three years, even the most optimistic fans aren’t planning their year around a trip to the post-season. A new coach and GM is great, but the team is still stuck waddling around with the skid marks of the Isiah Thomas era on its compression shorts. And when you’re playing to lose just a little less, you’ve already won.

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