We knew shit was heading downhill when the very first race sequence couldn't even sustain our attention. Talk about a premature bust-off: the film dribbles its load in the opening race scene'full of colorful, frenetic CGI effects that must've impressed somebody at some point'and then just repeats the same formula over and over again. And over and over again. One hundred and thirty five fucking minutes. That's a long time.

Yeah, Speed Racer is PG-rated, but you can't even use the “it's just for kids” excuse. There were two tykes sitting next to us, and we've seen more excitement at a Siberian orphanage. The story is needlessly confusing, filled with laughable dialogue, more earnest than an after school special. Poor Emile Hirsch'you can't really blame him. (Definitely blame Matthew Fox, though.) On the plus side, Susan Sarandon is…yo. Christina Ricci plays Speed's love interest, but how's his moms look twice as good? Susan, Susan, Susan. You are not a MILF. You are a MILKCSFAMSLT(*). In short: Speed Racer blows. But you already knew that. See the trailer and the (*) answer after the jump.

(*) MOM I’D LIKE TO KISS, CARESS, SUCK, FONDLE, AND MAKE SWEET LOVE TO

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