Whether it’s movies or dome, Ayo! Scott enjoys good summer fluff. Both go down a little something like this: Ayo! reclines, Ayo! dumbs out to the action, Ayo! shifts around a couple times before an explosive climax, Ayo! promptly leaves, Ayo! repeats in another theater. Ayo! doesn’t ask for a hell of a lot, which is why it’s so baffling that Michael Bay, master of the mindless blockbuster, and his new sequel, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, failed to pleasure him.

When Ayo! goes to see a mindless movie, he wants his brain to power down. Achieving such an effortless viewing experience requires that the filmmaker really put their brain to work, but it appears that Bay was operating in a minestrone-like vegetative state while making Transformers 2. Despite his best attempts to not question anything about a silly movie in which good (Autobot) and bad (Decepticon) alien robots battle each other on Earth, a baffled Ayo! was forced to ask questions: Why would an advanced alien race posing as vehicles take on the weakest characteristics of humanity, like emotion and ignorance? Why, despite their extraterrestrial weaponry and transformative technology, would they fight with their fists? Why is the action, the main focus of the movie, so jumbled a mess of machine parts that you can hardly tell what’s going on? Why is Megan Fox doing detail work on the side of a motorcycle by seductively straddling it? (OK, Ayo! didn’t actually have a problem with that, but the woman in the adjacent seat who caught him fondling himself, as Bay no doubt intended, may have.)

Of course, the Transformers universe is a fantasy land, so perhaps things don’t need to make any sense, but we live in the real world, so Bay might have thought twice about using racist caricatures for minor laughs. As Complex pointed out yesterday, Skids and Mudflap, two jive-talkin’ “hip-hop” Autobot twins, slap box and snap on each other uncontrollably and reveal they’re illiterate like CGI alien robot versions of black people in The Birth of a Nation. Ayo! isn’t here to police ignorance (he’s usually here to promote it) but this violation is glaring like the light reflecting off of Skids’s crooked gold bucked tooth. Considering that no fluff movie needs to run two and a half hours long, Ayo! wonders why nobody urged Bay to cut them out of the film before people forget all he did for black people in movies with Bad Boys and Bad Boys II and he becomes known as Michael Kay-kay-kay.

Whew. Ayo!’s brain is fried just writing about all this shit. This is not what he had in mind when he sat down for some fluff. Don’t make the same mistake as Ayo!: go for some dome instead. Check the Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen trailer below to decide if you’ll fall in line for this clunker.

Shia LaBeouf’s mildly entertaining new thriller, Eagle Eye, doesn’t deserve a full-on ass-to-mouth deuce chucking, but neither does it deserve Ayo!’s godly long-stroke. In it, LaBeef-a-roni and Michelle Monaghan play a loser copy boy and a single mother who are framed as terrorists, then coerced into carrying out a terrorist plot by a cell that seems to know everything about them and have control over everything from cell phones to stop lights.

Ayo! doesn’t want to give away the big twist, but he will say this: The plot plays out like an orgy in which 1984 reams The Terminator while Stealth eats out I, Robot, which in turn gives Enemy of the State a “Jamaican accordion.” Sounds like reason to go grab some jerk sauce and choke a chicken, but it’s really nothing Ayo! hasn’t seen before (especially the orgy! Thanks, Katie Couric!). Two things Ayo! has seen before that he should have seen in this flick but didn’t are Rosario Dawson’s twos. OK, she’s an Air Force agent, but isn’t that all the more reason to let those big birds fly? And that’s only one symptom of the sexlessness of this film. Ayo! still doesn’t buy the Transformers romance between Megan Fox and average dude LaBouffant, but it’s equally unbelievable that he wouldn’t get something popping with the more modest Monaghan while they run for their lives. Did parties conspire to eliminate all sexual tension from this film? Seriously, that’s a conspiracy theory worth looking into. America, get on the case! Start by checking out the Eagle Eye trailer:

In the movie, LaBeouf's character “Jerry” is mysteriously framed up to look like a terrorist, after which he and his mother are forced to carry out a plot to assassinate a politician. The action-packed movie also stars Rosario Dawson, and Billy Bob Thornton. Watch the trailer after the jump.

[Trailer Addict]

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