This raised a couple of questions for us: 1) how much fucking tequila do you DRINK, dude?, and 2) is this the first time someone’s dropped so much weight in a single offseason? The answers are: 1) no idea, and 2) no! In fact, he’s the latest in a long(ish) line of people to lose a good deal of weight in a short time! And we found some more! And are very excited about it! Read on to read the miracle diet tips that have us so excited!

TURK BRODA
Team: Toronto Maple Leafs
Year: 1949
Circumstances: Leafs owner Conn Smythe was concerned about his star goalie’s girth (ayo!), so he challenged Broda to lose a pound a day for a week.
Pounds Dropped: 7—but in a week? That’s Jessica Simpson numbers.
Miracle Diet: Grapefruit and soft-boiled eggs. AKA “The Wilford Brimley.”

SHAWN KEMP
Year: 2005-6
Team: None
Circumstances: After getting dropped from the Orlando Magic in ’03, getting arrested on drug charges, and ballooning up to 330, the busiest baby daddy in the league took it upon himself to to get in shape for a comeback with the Nuggets.
Pounds Dropped: 75, allegedly, including a difficult-to-believe 11.5% body fat.
Miracle Diet: Crack and unprotected sex! AKA “The Flavor Flav.” No, no, that’s not right. It’s “Strapping weights to your ankles and running hills, and eating oatmeal three times a day,” AKA “The Madonna In Preparation For Her 75th Birthday.”

BRETT MYERS
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Year: 2008-09
Circumstances: Pitchers are often fat fucks, but not when they’re only 28. Plus, all that extra weight was hampering his wife beatings.
Pounds Dropped: 30
Miracle Diet: Eating well and working out. AKA the “That’s Boring, Now Stop Beating Your Wife.”

SHAQUILLE O’NEAL
Year: 2004-05
Team: Miami Heat
Circumstances: After the Heat got him from the Lakers, team management asked The Big Aristotle to slim it down like his wife slimmed down his bank account.
Pounds Dropped: 40
Miracle Diet: Eating fewer tiny humanoids, AKA “The Cloverfield.”

LENDALE WHITE
Year: 2008-09
Team: Tennessee TItans
Circumstances: White had always been a truck since his USC days, but he’d lost a step and wasn’t doing much for the TItans ground game.
Pounds Dropped: 30
Miracle Diet: Tequila, no mas! AKA “The No Way, Jose.”

The six-time NBA All-Star was known as “The Reign Man” when he was slamming down ferocious dunks for the Seattle SuperSonics in the ’90s, but these days a more accurate nickname for him is “Heavy Drizzle.” Kemp last played in the NBA in 2002-03 and is most relevant as a cautionary tale of self-destruction. Now he’ll be able to destroy relations between the U.S. and Italy too. Read on to see five ways that he could get it done…

SPREAD HIS SEED

Kemp’s penne with special sauce is a family recipe responsible for (at least) seven kids by six women. The secret ingredient? Not being present to raise the kids. Just wait until some hot-tempered Italian dad finds out his daughter just got boxed out holding Kemp’s eighth seed. Homie Spumoni did less damage to ethnic relations.

GET FAT(TER)

Kemp looks like he’s in great shape now'he’s been desperately busting his fat ass in the gym to get another contract (child support doesn’t pay itself, folks). Of course, gluttony is the American way of life, and there’s absolutely no way he stays in shape once he gets to the endless plate of pasta that is Italy. Our early prediction: By midseason, he’ll lead the league in assisting himself to extra cannolis.

HAVE A DRUG RELAPSE

On second thought, maybe it’s not the best idea to throw a bunch of money at a recovering coke addict… What happens when Kemp gets depressed (yet again) because he’s eaten too much pasta and gotten fat (yet again)? How long before he desecrates the Italian game, drawing a suspension for trying to snort the free throw line?

SCARE OFF ASPIRING BALLERS
While the NBA recently instituted an age limit to keep kids from going pro directly out of high school, European kids go pro in their early teens. After seeing the mess that is Kemp, and learning that he jumped to the league without playing any college ball, Italian ballers will start favoring doctorates over dunks. Grazie, Kemp, accidental advocate for child labor laws!

PAVE THE WAY FOR STEPHON MARBURY
New York Knick headcase Stephon Marbury said he’s going to play in Italy after his NBA contract expired and everyone laughed, but if an Italian team will shell out to bring Kemp’s tired, troubled ass overseas, Starbury can’t be far behind. One question: How do you ask an impressionable intern if they wanna fuck in your truck in Italian?