As tired as we are of Wasilla Spice being referred to as “the gift that keeps on giving,” the fact remains that she is. And by “gift,” we of course mean “Pat Buchanan without the grasp of the issues.” (We didn’t say “Pat Buchanan without a grasp of the issues and with a vagina,” because we’ve long thought that Pat Buchanan actually does have a vagina, and that most of his rancor stems from his conflicted sense of self.) She’d lain somewhat low for a number of months, but then to everyone’s delight she waded back up onto shore this weekend like an enormous irradiated movie monster to assault the airwaves of cable news with two high-profile appearances: the keynote address at the “National” “Tea Party” “Convention”—sorry, but every part of that needed sarcastic quotes—and an extended interview on Fox News Sunday.
Not surprisingly, in both appearances, Palin let loose with a barrage of zomgers, from mistruths to the word soup she’s become so famous for. And, as such, we’re giving her every slot on our Putrid Pundit panel of the week. Sorry, Monica Crowley—better luck next week!
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Visit John Brown’s new website and check back each Thursday for a new “Politickin With John Brown” post.
Ever since John McCain selected Sarah Palin as his Hail Mary running mate, she’s been a treasure chest of entertainment inspiration, comedic relief and controversy. When their ride to the White House crashed, she stuck to her personal maverickness—burning bridges and blazing her own path in the pursuit of attention. Her new ghostwritten bestseller, Going Rogue, digs its literary nails into all her perceived enemies like an insecure disgraced cheerleader enraged at her ex-teammates.
Surely, most politicians possess a level of egotistical self-importance, but Palin displays a unique disregard for public service, her family and former colleagues. Her willingness to blurt out whatever talking point is politically advantageous shades any minuscule shred of credibility she retained following the election. She’s just trying to get paid. To zero in on her leadership style, here’s some of her most rogue moments…
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It’s hard to believe that one year ago today, we had no fucking idea who Sarah Palin was. The Alaska Gov burst onto the scene on August 29, 2008, when Johnny Mac announced her as his running mate in a last-ditch effort to garner votes from both disgruntled female Hillary Clinton supporters (didn’t work) and sexually-repressed, science-hating Republican males (worked like a charm!).
The prospect of her holding higher office still scares the shit out of us, but we’ll always love SP for giving us unlimited fodder for hilarious blog posts. Yesterday, Palin officially stepped down from her Governorship (a move which is no doubt a part of her greater world domination scheme), so we started getting nostalgic—take a look back at some of Our Favorite Sarah Palin x Complex Moments below…
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Wow, it actually happened. After nearly an entire year of us wishing Sarah Palin would go away, she finally—and abruptly—resigned. In a classic political spin-control move, the Alaska governor tried to head off the inevitable deluge of coverage by holding a brief (but rambling) press conference on THE FRIDAY AFTERNOON BEFORE JULY 4TH WEEKEND. And at no point among the weird basketball analogies did she ever exactly say why she was leaving or what she’d be doing.
Which is where we come in. Sarah, we love you. We rooted for you in your classic rap battle against Joe Biden, we defended your honor in our Wifey-Trifey showdown—and now, we’re ready to be your career counselor. The world is your oyster, baby, now go out there and find the pearl…
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It’s never easy to say sorry, especially when everyone’s watching…just ask David Letterman. The Late Show host sputtered an apology yesterday to hockey mom and moose stew connoisseur Sarah Palin, after Letterman accidentally joked about Palin’s 14-year-old daughter fornicating, sans condom, with A-Rod (he thought that the joke was referring to Palin’s actual single-mom daughter, Bristol, who at 18 is fully legal yet still unable to figure out how to use a condom). Oops. Palin reportedly accepted Dave’s apology, even though she hopes that “men who ‘joke’ about public displays of sexual exploitation of girls will soon evolve.” First of all, we’re surprised that Palin believes in evolution. Second of all, evolution takes millions of years; while we’re waiting, might as well keep the crude sexploitation jokes coming.
In today’s age of political correctness, making a joke in public is like farting on the subway–it might feel good, but it’s going to offend at least a few people. Read on to watch the clips of television and radio show hosts whose inappropriate commentary led to begrudging public apologies…
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We threw it back with Nikki Cox and her super twos! [LINK]
Vans hooked Tony T up for three new colorways of the TNT Mid II. [LINK]
We all knew she was dumb, but is Sarah Palin wife or trife material? [LINK]
Our fashion editor put you on to the five fall essentials you need to keep your style game tight. [LINK]
And From The Complex Network:
Nah Right: Undrcrwn did a “Down Goes McCain” T-Shirt. [LINK]
Bastardly: Check out Beyonce's Metallic Hand. Ouch! [LINK]
KicksOnFire: Are you copping the Nike Dunk Highs, Dr. Doom’s? [LINK]
Das Gamer: Heidi Klum is a Guitar Hero Hottie [Das Gamer]
On Smash: Peep 88 Keysft Redman – “The Burning Bush”. [LINK]
News flash: the economy sucks. And as hard as it is to get by on the blue collar wages we get working the internets, we’re sure it’s even rougher out there for the unemployed.
Which is the fate that’s befallen our homegirl Sarah Palin this morning. Yeah, technically she’s still governor of Alaska, but really, how hard can that be? So until she fires up her 2012 presidential bid, Ess to the Pee’s gotta find a day job. And as the ever-helpful foot soldiers for the less fortunate that we are, Complex has five ideas for things she can do with her downtime…
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So we hear tomorrow is apparently some kinda big deal. A little election-y something-or-other. Seems there’s this lady from Alaska who’s either gonna be back in Alaska shooting game out of helicopters or ONE HEARTBEAT AWAY FROM THE MOST POWERFUL JOB ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH.
And of course there’s a big question facing both Complex staffers and readers alike: is this chick a base-energizing wifey or a triflin’ hockey MILF?
Click here to see the evidence and cast your vote…
Vote yes for sex!
You already know everything there is to know about Presidential Candidates John McCain and Barack Obama and their VeePeez Sarah Palin and Joe Biden (seriously, you’ve watched almost every episode of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, The Colbert Report AND Saturday Night Live for like the past two weeks). Reading a few more propagandist leaflets while you wait on an historically long line to cast your vote will do you no good, so why not take the opportunity to pick up chicks?
With this in mind, Complex presents an analysis of all different types of female voters, from the far right to the far left, and how you can stuff their ballot box on Election Day. Fuck politics, it’s time to poll-a-trick!
Click here to find out about each type of girl you’ll encounter at the polls.
Where will you be on election night? After all the speeches (*cough* battle raps), debates, and yesterday’s never-ending infomercial it all boils down to Tuesday November 4th. One thing’s for sure, you don’t want to be alone as the votes get tallied when the win goes to (___).
With that in mind, Complex brings to you one big blowout party hosted by renowned journalist Kevin Powell (former Real World: New York cast member). The festivities will go down at club Element in New York’s Lower East Side with music provided by DJ Beverly Bond, and DJ Misbehaviour. Until the biggest Super Tuesday ever, get hyped on the full flyer below…
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Thanks to Sarah Palin, good old fashioned Alaska livin’ is all the rage these days. But before you make your way up to the state’s snowy tundra for a moose hunt, you might want to invest in this modern equivalent to the classic igloo. For the past 25 years, Icewall One’s Igloo Satellite Cabin has been used by scientists to withstand harsh conditions across the globe.
Back in 1982, designer Malcolm Wallhead created the round, alien-like pod for the Australian Antarctic Division. The fiberglass construction and polyurethane insulation can protect you not only from polar ice caps, but the searing heat from tropical climates as well. Multiple igloos can be linked together via tunnels, making a perfect haven for your whole team. See more photos below…
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Like prizefighters at a weigh-in, Vice Presidential candidates Sarah Palin and Joe Biden can’t wait until Thursday’s debate to tear each other apart. With everything on the line and so much smack to talk, they decided to take it to the streets and face off with raw battle raps (a proud tradition started by Spiro Agnew and Edmund Muskie in 1968). No teleprompters here. Just dirty politics at its dirtiest. Check our their verses below and vote to determine who goes into the debate with an edge…
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Damn! Can Sarah Palin catch a break? It’s bad enough that the Alaskan Gov. got grilled for her inexperience, hollow statements, past abuses of power and lack of foreign policy familiarity (hey, you can see Russia from Alaska!). But now she’s fallen victim to a hack attack!
Yep, the Republican Vice Presidential hopeful joined the list of celebrities who’ve been exposed through cyber crimes when her personal Yahoo! email account was hacked by the infamous Anonymous group. Even though they didn’t uncover anything too damaging while pillaging her inbox, the McCain camp is rightfully pissed. But maybe they should consider themselves lucky after looking at these other celebrities who’ve had their privacy invaded…
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Say what you want about John Brown, but don’t say the boy ain’t timely. His latest song pays loving tribute to the VP candidate-turned-tabloid celebrity, Sarah Palin, and even samples her nasal voice talking about laying pipe. Awesome.
Watch the video for John Brown’s “Sarah Palin (I Wanna Lay Pipe)” below…
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“I hear Bristol’s got a baby, but Bristol’s barely got a brain…”
Should we be shocked that young Bristol Palin, daughter of Republican VP candidate Sarah Palin, is preggers at 17? History has shown that powerful people'whether they be performers, preachers, or, in this case, politicians'end up with daughters who become either total prudes or total party animals.
All those hours of hard work leaves little time for proper parenting, which is why Bristol isn’t the first high-profile politician’s daughter to engage in scandalous behavior. With our exclusive Joe Francis meter, we decided to rate the misdeeds of political daughters, past and present.
Click here to see the dirty daughters…
