Nothing says “I don’t want to be ruled by you, but thanks for being a friend” like an iPod, which is why President Barack Obama gave one to England’s Queen Elizabeth II during a private meeting at Buckingham Palace. The iPod was loaded with video and photos from the 82-year-old bird’s various trips to the U.S., as well as showtunes. Pretty lame, though not as lame as the Elizabeth giving the Obamas a signed photograph in a silver frame—the same gift she gives all visiting dignitaries.

Diplomacy and an aide’s questionable taste no doubt dictated the contents of the iPod. But we’re sure that the playlist would be a hell of a lot cooler and more meaningful had Obama put it together himself. It would probably sound a little something like this…

“U.N.I.T.Y.” by Queen Latifah

“We know you’re just a figurehead, Lizzy, so please thank whoever actually makes the decisions on your wee island for sticking by us in Iraq. We couldn’t have launched an ass-backwards invasion without you!”

“Inglan Is a Bitch,” by Linton Kwesi Johnson

“By ‘bitch’ we mean down-ass bitch. Now go pour us another cup o’ tea. And don’t dawdle with the biscuits.”

“Diamonds and Pearls,” by Prince

“We just always wanted to bless the royal family with our jewels.”

“Baby Got Back,” by Sir Mix-A-Lot

“Best. Knighting. Ever.”

“Soul by the Pound,” by Common

“Trade some of your robust currency for our genuine soul music? Or you could just keep on gobbling up that watered down, blue-eyed twink shite your country produces.”

“(That Body Built For) Sin,” by Size Queen

“Oh sorry, we thought Helen Mirren was the Queen of England.”

“Hound Dog,” by Elvis Presley, a.k.a. the King

“On second thought, we could go for some of your royal crown. The accent gets us every time.”

“The Ruler’s Back,” by Slick Rick

“We’ve heard that the thought of ruling over American colonies again puts you in the mood. It’d better, ’cause we don’t go for no half-assed crown.”

“Love Reign O’er Me,” by the Who

“And if you’re lucky we’ll sprinkle you with loose seeds from our amber waves of grain.”

“Independent,” by Webbie

“Understand: We won’t be ruled again, so don’t be surprised when we skeet and retreat.”

Think about it'what would be hotter than slipping away from the palace for an ellicit affair with one of the world’s most overprotected young things? After the jump, read about which three we’d give the crown to.

NAME: Charlotte Casiraghi

AGE: 21
COUNTRY: Morocco
OFFICIAL TITLE: Daughter of HSH Princess Caroline

When your grandmother is American actress Grace Kelly, you’ve got genes working in your favor. Charlotte has become a paparazzi favorite with her hipster fashion sense and party-hopping tendencies. While not “technically” titled a “princess,” she is fourth in line for the throne.

NAME: Sirivannavari Nariratana

AGE: 20
COUNTRY: Thailand
OFFICIAL TITLE: HRH Princess

This daughter of Crown Prince Maha Vajiralongkorn has started to create a name for herself as a fashion designer, debuting a collection at last year’s Paris fashion week, where she hobnobbed with Karl Lagerfeld. She also won a gold medal for badminton at the 2006 Southeast Asian games, which means she knows how to handle a shuttlecock.

NAME: Sikhanyiso Dlamini

AGE: 20
COUNTRY: Swaziland
OFFICIAL TITLE: Princess

This daughter of King Mswati III of Swaziland is part of Africa’s last monarchy. She’s most famous for being beaten after she hosted a wild party and got drunk in the Queen’s crib just before a traditional Swazi ceremony back in 2005. Now, she attends college in California while trying to jumpstart her hip-hop career under her rapper name, Pashu.

Related: The Queen Of Jordan Is Too Sexy For Your Stereotypes