MINUS TWOS

Watching wrinkled-ass Bobby D pretend to have rough sex with luscious Carla Gugino disgusted Ayo!, but not as much as her crackalactation being covered up throughout the whole film. What the fuck kind of supposedly kinky jumpoff wears a bra while getting backshots? That’s a tough titty to suck on! Literally.

SCAMEOS

Director Jon Avnet bothered putting Ayo! favorites Jim Jones, Rob Dyrdek, and Papoose in the film, then gave them about six seconds of screen time combined. Did JJ not threaten a Byrd Gang fly-by if he didn’t get more shine? And as for Dyrdek’s “role,” if you ever see a skateboarding pimp who does tricks while his women turn tricks, deck him.

SHADY DEALINGS

Early on, 50 Cent’s character Spider, a high level drug dealer who owns an upscale club for a front, serves a white lawyer chick hand-to-hand. What kind of peanut butter and jelly bullshit is that? Either Fiddy told Avnet the dope game doesn’t work like that and the director ignored him, or Curtis never actually sold drugs. With a healthy respect for his own well-being, Ayo! blames that ignorant-ass cracker.

OVERAGE ACTION

It’s impossible to take a chase scene seriously when 65-year-old De Niro is jogging in a grey old-man sweatsuit, complete with visible socks and New Balances’. Pacino, 68, walks with an awkward elderly gait, presumably because he blew out his back delivering one of his character’s pickup lines.

MISALIGNED STARS

With all due respect to PaNiro, this teaming of two stale old farts rehashing caricatures they’ve done of themselves is decades late. The entertaining buddy cop duo of John Leguizamo and Donnie Wahlberg should have been the film’s focus. Seriously, Ayo! found them much less suspect'and one of those motherfuckers just got back together with his boy band!