Hallelujah! So apparently the American Dream is alive and kicking again. What a relief. When CNN declared Obama’s historical victory, I was drinking $12 Obama-mamas and hitting on future Hillarys at some limousine liberal party in Midtown.

I couldn’t wait to hear Team Maverick’s concession speech. If Barack’s moto was “Yes We Did” I could only assume that McCain’s chant to America was “No You Didn’t!” While McCain tried to redeem his public image by bullshitting a masterfully crafted congratulations speech, I couldn’t help but imagine what he really wanted to say. So I thought I’d take this time to say it for him…

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN: Thank you. Thank you, my fellow white pro-Americans. Wow what a beautiful potential lynch mob we have here in anti-MLK Arizona! My friends, we have come to the end of a long journey of white supremacy, and frankly it scares me. The socialists, terrorists and African-Americans that comprise the Democratic party have spoken, and they have spoken articulately. (Boo) A little while ago, I had the humiliation of calling That One – Bill Ayers’ soulmate – Barack Hussein Obama, to mock him on inheriting this maverick economy that really shook up Wall Street. (chuckle, chuckle, chuckle)
CROWD: (chanting) “No You Did-n’t!!, No You Did-n’t!! No You Did-n’t!!”

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN: In a contest as racist as this campaign has been, his success alone is pretty fucking troubling. I was really hoping these old slurs I used to throw around in my younger years would resonate more with voters. But we’ve become anti-American Americans and now names like Barack Hussein Obama are being accepted as American names! This is outrageous. It’s names like John, Cindy, Sarah and Todd that are the backbone of our tradition!
CROWD: (chanting) “USA!” “USA!” “USA!”

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN: But this is an historic election, and I recognize the special significance it has for African-Americans and for the special pride that must be theirs tonight. So, African-Americans, if you’re out there listening all I have to say is “I don’t wanna hear shit about racial profiling anymore! We’ve become a nation of whiners!”
CROWD: [chanting] “NO MORE WHINING!”, “NO MORE WHINING!”, “NO MORE WHINING!”

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN: I’ve always believed that America offers opportunities to all who have investment from pharmaceutical companies. Senator Obama believes that, too. But we both recognize that though we have come a long way from the old injustices that once stained our nation’s reputation, we’ll still lock you the fuck up for the rest of your natural life if you ever try to sell pills to Cindy. I tell you it’s the pushers that make my baby get hifey!
CROWD: (chanting) “LOCK ‘EM UP!” “LOCK ‘EM UP!” “LOCK ‘EM UP!”

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN: A century ago, that tree-hugger Teddy Roosevelt invited Booker T. Washington to dine at the White House. This was taken as an outrage in many quarters of the country. And I’m proud to say that those same quarters of the country are precisely the states that overcame change and voted for me this evening!! Propelling my total electoral count to 43!!!
CROWD: “WE HAVE OVERCOME!”, “WE HAVE OVERCOME!”, “WE HAVE OVERCOME!”

Sincerely,

Senator John McCain

A Complex blog post from October 20 featured this:

And peep the pale(face) imitation from October 30’s Daily Show:

In fact, watch the entire segment, and just try to tell us certain satirical geniuses aren’t closet 'Plex readers. You’re welcome'you’re allllll welcome!

With that in mind, Complex brings to you one big blowout party hosted by renowned journalist Kevin Powell (former Real World: New York cast member). The festivities will go down at club Element in New York’s Lower East Side with music provided by DJ Beverly Bond, and DJ Misbehaviour. Until the biggest Super Tuesday ever, get hyped on the full flyer below…

Big B.O. plunked down millions and millions to buy up a half-hour of time on three of the four major networks (ABC said maybe, then they said yes, but then it was too late. Get on board, you waffling sad sacks!), hoping to close the deal with the American public. We can’t say we’re all that amped about watching what is essentially an Obama infomercial, but then, who are we to judge what makes for compelling political advertising? Scratch that: we’re exactly the people to judge what makes for compelling political advertising, which is why we scraped up some of the weirdest examples we could find…


POLITICIAN: Christy Minos (Independent candidate for governor of Massachusetts)
AD: “Heads Up”
PLOT: You know how you sometimes call people “asshat”? And you know how you like cartoons? This is like a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup for those two things.

—————————————————————————————————————

POLITICIAN: H. Ross Perot
AD: His 1992 infomercial
PLOT: Third-party upstart and batshit-crazy billionaire tycoon Perot bought a half-hour of network time to…show us some charts. Two good things came out of it: 1) he helped Clinton get elected; and 2) he says “A great young lady from Louisiana sent me this voodoo stick, and I’m going to use it as my pointer tonight.”

—————————————————————————————————————

POLITICIAN: Ralph Nader (third-party candidate for president…again)
AD: “To Be or Not to Be”
PLOT: Ralph Nader talks to a parrot. Polly wanna cracker? He must, since the dude did more than anyone to put Bush in office in the first place.

—————————————————————————————————————

POLITICIAN: Mike Huckabee
AD: “Chuck Norris Approved”
PLOT: When you’re the only remotely likable GOP presidential candidate, your only logical move is to time-travel back to 2006 for a web meme. “My plan to secure the border? Two words: Chuck. Norris.”

CLICK NEXT TO SEE MORE BIZARRE CAMPAIGN COMMERCIALS

For my first blog as a Complex correspondent, I wanted to comment on CNN’s slogan. The tag-line for the news supplier is “The Place For Politics” but to Ted Turner’s credit, it’s also the place for some bad bitches behind that Teleprompter. Call me sexist, but aesthetics are the achilles heel of broadcast journalism. With that said, here’s my Top 5 baddest anchorwomen on CNN. Hallelujah Holla Back!…

#5: VERONICA DE LA CRUZ

She used to be a figure skater and I’m hoping she’ll consider “Dancing With The Stars”. I don’t know why but she seems mad conservative.

#4: SOLEDAD O’BRIEN

I might be going out on limb with this one but you know she’s a freak. She got that front-of-the-class-goodie-two-shoes vibe that is so predictably weak when confronted with that suburban charisma. I hope she’s under 40.

#3. KIRAN CHETRY

This spunky former FOX anchor already got mad love from Maxim. But that was before her baby. I’m the first one to officially call her a MILF.

#2. BETTY NGUYEN

Originally from H-town, this former Waco, Texas anchor is more cute than sexy. But she handles her business and I guess was the first Vietnamese-American to anchor a national television news broadcast in the United States. Who knew?

#1: LOLA OGUNNAIKE

Not only is she crazy fly in a sophisticated way, but she’s into music. She used to write for Rolling Stone and Vibe. I think we’d be a good match.

Related:
-John Brown Lays Pipe To Sarah Palin
-Street Detail: Suburban Style

John Brown, a.k.a. the ‘King of da Burbz’, has been described as “one of the most controversial figures in hip-hop at this point in time”. Propelled to national notoriety as a finalist on Ego Trip’s (White) Rapper Show” on VH1, Brown was best known for relentlessly marketing his company “Ghetto Revival” and one of their catchphrases '”Hallelujah Holla Back”. He’ll also be the first to tell you that he’s not a rapper but rather, “an entity”. Brown has just released his ode to Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin as part of his John Brown or Die campaign. His company Ghetto Revival donates 7% of its profits from all merchandise, shows and music sales to charities that help revive communities that need help.

He’s already bought a half-hour on network television and is spending ungodly amounts in pipe-dream states like West Virginia, so he’s clearly open to creative concepts'and we figured we’d help out by proposing a few more. Dear Obama campaign: Thank-yous can be directed to our own meager-ass checking accounts and 401(k)s 01(k)s…

#1: Have All Voting Stations Moved To Strip Clubs

Imagine the voter turnout if undecideds finally took their faces out of their Hungry Man microwave lunches and stoked their political ardor by learning how really work the polls.

#2: Throw An Extravagant Baby Shower Gift For Bristol And Levi

Just think–$150 million can pretty much get one of everything from the Spencer GIfts registry. Actually, it can pretty much get a million of everything. Which is good, because since condoms are clearly too complicated, the happy couple might just need multiple Insane Clown Posse onesies.

#3: Buy All Those Unwanted McCain Shirts

We tried to save the guy, but that campaign apparel is so bad that not even Nicaraguan orphans are gonna want to wear the leftovers. Obama being a decent dude and all, we figured he might want to buy the lot of ‘em and re-license them to Urban Outfitters as ironic statements. Seriously. They’d go great with “Kentucky Is For Cousin-Fucky” legwarmers.

#4: Have The Greatest Inauguration Party Of All Time

Ludacris. Scarlett Johansson. Common “Can I Borrow Some Incense?” Sense. The ghost of Isaac Hayes. Bruce motherfuckin’ Springsteen, y’all. Basically, every decent musician (other than Ted Nugent) would be on hand to make sure no one went home without a hangover in the making and possibly permanent hearing loss. Maybe even DMX will have heard of him by then.

#5: Hire Thousands And Thousands Of Industrial-Strength Jackhammers To Protect The Country From “Pro-America” America

You think you saw angry Republicans outside Sarah Palin rallies? Just wait ’til an Obama victory. We’re gonna have to herd those apoplectic wingnuts into Florida, then amputate the sumbitch and let it float out to sea. Hope your xenophobia and willful ignorance serves you well when you’re fighting over the last uncooked plantain, fucknuts.

Think Sarah Palin is scary? We agree'scary sexy, that is! So of course we’re eagerly awaiting the release of Hustler’s new politico-porno Who’s Nailin’ Paylin? starring VPILF lookalike Lisa Ann. And with the news that shooting had begun this weekend (complete with appearances from Bill Orally, Hilly Clinton and Condi Rice), we got to thinking: What other female politicians would we like to see featured in their own gonzo flick? See our wish list below…

TITLE: “NANCI GETS POLEOSIED”

STARRING : Sasha Grey as Squirter of the House Nancy Poleosi
TAGLINE: “Negotiations go long and hard as Congress’ most-liberal rep meets various heads of state!”

TITLE: “ON THE CAMPAIN TRAIL WITH JANITT REAMO”

STARRING : Belladonna as Asstorney General Janet Reno
TAGLINE: “The nation’s former top cop puts 1000 new cops on the streets'and between her cheeks!”

TITLE: “HILLARY ROD’EM CLIT’IN”

STARRING: Shyla Styles as Hillary Rodham Clinton
TAGLINE: “Fighting for women’s rights'to get fucked by other chicks!”

TITLE: “PUTTING IN WORK WITH ELAINE CHAO”

STARRING: Maria Ozawa as Labor Secretary Elaine Chao
TAGLINE: “The longest-serving member of the Bush Cabinet isn’t afraid of the longest members!”

TITLE: “BETTE SUCKIN’”

STARRING: Jenna Jameson as Ohio’s 13th District Congresswoman Betty Sutton
TAGLINE: “Betty’s eager to know her dickstrict!”

But while he’s clearly wrong in his stance (his campaign’s acting hardbody because Zapatero pulled Spain’s troops out of Iraq when he was elected), there are a few things about Spain we wouldn’t mind wiping off the map…

STUPID CULINARY TRENDS

Tapas (aka, Tiny Piece of Food x Tinier Plate). Fish-flavored foam. Cooking chicken in a Ziplock submerged in warm water. Call us rubes, but we’ll stick with something you can actually chew.

STUPID TERRORISTS

The ETA, a Basque separatist movement, is like Spain’s version of those guys in Texas who want to become a state. Except they play dress-up, which makes them even more annoying.

STUPID VEHICLES

Mopeds? Who knows, maybe we’re wrong; maybe it really is the fastest way to get from the discotheque to the store that sells no deodorant.

STUPID SPANISH INQUISITIONS

“Hey, let’s spend 350 years torturing Jews and Muslims! And to top it off, let’s inspire Monty Python to create a skit that morons will be quoting during World of Warcraft marathons for 350 more years!”

STUPID RACISTS

We’ve said it before, but still: Awesome work, you gawky stinky patchy-bearded lovers of hairy women.

We at Complex wholeheartedly reject such logorrhea, but we do think it’s high time that we admitted one thing: there are a few conservative pundits we wouldn’t mind hate-fucking getting to know. Don’t front, you know you’ve thought about wiping the insouciant smirk off a McCain-bot’s face too. And of course, we’ve brought them all together'independents, neocons and fascists alike'for your perusal. Get informed, people!

If you’re interested in bridging the gap, click here…

This morning, after an extended bout of municipal fuckery, Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick pled guilty and stepped down as part of a plea bargain that also includes his resignation, five years of probation, $1 million in restitution, being stripped of his law license and pension, and 120 days in the bing. Yowza. The thing is, he’s not the only Kwame to catch an L. Our society hasn’t been kind to the K, so kontinue on and kommiserate with his konflicted kin…

KWAME KILPATRICK
Track Record: Two terms as mayor of Detroit
Offenses: Charged over $210,000 on his city-issued credit card for travel, meals, and entertainment during his first term; using city-issued cell phones for dirty texting during an extramarital affair with his chief of staff (that’s her in the pic–yikes!); felonious obstruction of justice. We could go on–how much time you got?
Low Point: Being named one of Time’s three worst mayors in America.
Comeback Opportunity: Auditioning for a role in the Wire movie.

KWAME BROWN
Track Record: The first NBA player to be drafted first overall straight out of high school. After that…
Offenses: 7.5 career PPG
Low Point: Stealing some dude’s birthday cake. Seriously.
Comeback Opportunity: He’s on his way to Detroit with a two-year deal'but when you get traded after 15 games by the very team that gave up Pau Gasol for you, things aren’t looking so good.

KWAME THE BOY GENIUS
Track Record: It’s the man we all know and love!
Offenses:

Low Point: Having his entire existence dismissed by Biggie on “Unbelievable”: “Your life is played out like Kwamé and those fuckin’ polka dots.”
Comeback Opportunity: Done and done. He’s now known as producer K-1 Million, who produced Lloyd Banks’s “On Fire” and, uh, Will Smith’s “Switch.” That hits the spot!

The Palin clan is continuing the great tradition of the “shotgun wedding,” when a woman (or her family) demands marriage in response to an unplanned pregnancy. Check out some of the most memorable forced unions from the last 500 years.

Thanks to Whisky kings Maker’s Mark, though, it’s not so bad. These limited edition bottles are currently available in Denver and Minneapolis for the Democrats and the Republicans, and they will be available nationwide after Wednesday. Patriotic? I’ll give you patriotic. Watch a Maker’s Mark video below on how sales of the blue over the red might be the new way to predict the election with a product. Oyeah.

Got a floor pass last night at the Democratic National Convention and was able to wander amid the throngs in the belly of the beast for nearly an hour. Being at the Democratic National Convention is not unlike being in the live studio audience for a taping of the American Idol finale. It has a sort of game show feel'slick, with cheesy music. Shiny. And hyper-produced.

As I told a friend this morning: It's kinda like a game show with serious geopolitical military consequences.

The folks in attendance run the gamut: Bigwig donors, left-wing zealots, ecstatic delegates, angry activists'you name it…

I found myself feeling a little bit extraterrestrial as I made my way around the floor. A fish out of water. A stranger in a strange land. This is odd in a way, because I am a bit of a political junkie. One would think that I would've felt right at home. But no. I found it odd. I found it deeply odd. Exciting and interesting'but odd. It was like moving through a Technicolor version of American history in real time.

The floor itself is an exercise in organized chaos..an absolute crush of people.

Left-Wing Mecca in full effect.

On my way back up to press row, I passed by Howard Dean in the bowels of the Pepsi Center, shortly after he made an appearance with David Gregory on MSNBC. He put his cell phone to his ear and pretended to be on the phone so that I wouldn't try to talk to him.

Dick.

-BL

PS. Here are some photos from the floor.

Brad Listi is the author of the bestselling novel Attention. Deficit. Disorder. and the founder of the online publication TheNervousBreakdown.com. You can find him at BradListi.com.

The crazy factor here in Denver is pretty pronounced. I had expected this to be the case, but still I find myself continually surprised by just how many wackjobs have come crawling out of the proverbial wood work to make their case before the American people.

Case in point: This morning, as I made my way through downtown, I came upon a woman standing in the middle of the road, holding a sign that read “STOP BIRD PORN.” Beside her was a guy with a battery-powered megaphone, delivering the anti-bird-porn message to a thoroughly confused populace.

What is bird porn?

I'm not really sure. I think these people want people to stop bird-watching, because bird-watching inhibits birds from having sex, and thus prevents reproduction.

I think these people were joking.

I hope these people were joking.

(Sweet creeping Jesus, please tell me these people were joking.)

**

I also had an interesting experience with a hostile young man who is supporting John McCain this November. He was standing on the sidewalk, extending his middle finger at passersby, while his cohort held up a big McCain poster with a shit-eating grin on his face. When I tried to take hostile guy's photo, he stepped up and slapped the camera out of my hands, threatening me with violence in a manner that a guy like Eminem would appreciate. Angry young man.

Under normal circumstances, this sort of thing might have rattled me, but this guy just struck me as completely ridiculous. For one thing, he was tiny. Probably weighs a buck-forty. I'm pretty sure I could have taken him. For another thing, he was a monumental ignoramus. His positions were so baseless, his fury so unwarranted, that it was hard to take him seriously.

Most interesting of all was the bald, muscle-bound guy in a purple t-shirt standing next to me. Moments after the angry young McCain supporter slapped the camera out of my hands, the bald guy turned to me and calmly said, “Would you like to press charges?”

I didn't know what he meant at first.

Then the angry guy turned to the bald guy and said, “Who the fuck are you?”

And the bald guy promptly flashed a badge and said, “I'm a detective.”

This incident reminded me, starkly, that Denver is positively crawling with security personnel this week, and most of them are in plainclothes, ready to move in and quash the rebellion at a moment's notice. One wonders how many foot soldiers are on hand from FBI, CIA, and the Secret Service. I find myself doing a double take every time I pass anyone who looks even slightly suspicious, trying to figure out who's working undercover. Hard to tell.

At any rate, another interesting day in the Mile High City. Off to the Pepsi Center momentarily, where Hillary will be giving the marquee address before a sea of salivating pundits.

Okay then.

Caffeinated,
BL

Brad Listi is the author of the bestselling novel Attention. Deficit. Disorder. and the founder of the online publication TheNervousBreakdown.com. You can find him at BradListi.com.

DESTINATION: Bar Standard
SIGNIFICANCE: Once known as The Shelter, this is the nightclub where Broncos cornerback Darrent Williams allegedly got into an argument with some gangbangers before he was shot and killed blocks away. But what’s a little tragedy when you can just rename a place and soothe a city’s frayed nerves with live Afro-Cuban music?

DESTINATION: Your Hotel Room
SIGNIFICANCE: Denver area escort Joy Alexander (yup, that’s really her) is doing outcalls all week!

DESTINATION: The Coachman Apartments
SIGNIFICANCE: Male prostitute Mike Jones'who? Mike Jooooones!'allegedly hosted evangelical pastor Ted Haggard here for many a meth-and-sex session before coming forward and prompting Haggard’s resignation from his megachurch. This is not what we imagined “drippin’ stains” meant.

DESTINATION: Quality Inn Central
SIGNIFIANCE: The worst-reviewed Denver hotel on tripadvisor.com! If you don’t believe us, take these two anecdotes as proof that you should never book a room here, unless you’re immune to hepatitis:

“The hotel was full of truckers, drunks, prostitutes and the homeless.”

“The A/C didn’t work, there were roaches in the room and someone even left a gift for us in the room. The gift left in the room was a pair of bloody boxer underwear and bloody towels.”

DESTINATION: The Burnsley Hotel
SIGNIFICANCE: Two weeks ago, Canadian Saleman Abdirahman Dirie was found dead in Room 408 with a pound of crystallized cyanide'enough to kill hundreds of people. Have fun averting poison attacks from schizophrenics, y’all!

Cassie

Pros: Has no problem playing #2, holla atcha Kim Porter.
Cons: Certain friends of hers might insist on wearing that corny-ass NO BITCHASSNESS t-shirt to state dinners.

Chingo Bling

Pros: Brings in Latinos who were Clinton supporters; white people fucking love saying “Bling.”
Cons: Would dismantle the INS, skullfuck Lou Dobbs.

Jessica Simpson

Pros: Guarantees white working-class voters. Mmmm, crackers.
Cons: Cowboys would truly become America’s Team. No Romo.

Rick Ross

Pros: Known to be strict on law and order; pefect attendance.
Cons: Might not be happy being just the biggest almost-boss that you’ve seen thus far.

MC Serch

Pros: Already familiar with the Oval Office; convinces all the half-racist Jewish grandmothers in Florida who were dicey on voting for a schvartze.
Cons: John Brown as Secretary of Pimpology

And the winner is…
George W. Bush

Pros: Would make any would-be assassins abandon all plans of, well, you know.
Cons: Not in power; easily distracted by big words and shiny things.

2002: Shaq welcomes Yao to the NBA

RACIST RATING:

People gotta stop taking what comes out of Shaq’s mouth seriously. Dude’s a goofball and sometimes says prick-ish things, but it’s never out of malice (outside of his ass-tasting freestyles). Besides, Aries Spears doing Shaq is better than any imitation Shaq will ever come up with.

2004: William Hung appears on American Idol

RACIST RATING:

This muthafucka. We still think he was a network creation. “It’s a singing retarded-looking Chinaman named ‘Hung’! Think about it people!!!” *Entire room explodes in laughter.*

2006: Rosie O'Donnell’s ching-chong act on The View

RACIST RATING:

Rosie O’Donnell is just all-around cunty, isn’t she? This isn’t that far from what Shaq said, but the difference is all in Rosie’s sourpuss delivery. Mean-spirited is what it is. Cunt.

2006: adidas Y1 HUF shoe

RACIST RATING:

Adidas got caught in a shitstorm after they released a limited-edition shoe with a Chinese caricature on the tongue. The shoe was designed by noted graf artist Barry “Twist” McGee, and guess what folks? He’s half-Chinese! He gets a pass. We’re more offended that the shoe is ugly as fuck.

2007: Rob Schneider plays Chinese in I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry

RACIST RATING:

Rob Schneider has a lil’ Asian in him (ayo!) but we can’t condone this rotten, asinine, unfunny take as a (Chinese? Japanese? Filipino?) priest. At least get the accent right, you cock boy.

2008: Spanish Olympic basketball team poses slanty-eyed

RACIST RATING:

C’mon y’all. They Spanish. Shit, their soccer fans still make monkey noises at black players. In other words, it’s hard to take offense from a country that we all know is racist anyway. Plus we always knew Pau Gasol was a big twat so it’s no surprise.

John Edwards found that out late last week when the National Inquirer ran a report about his affair, forcing him to own up to it on Friday. But this was only the latest in a long string of political affairs that have been exposed in the last 8 months. Which politician had the best reason for steppin’ out? See all the mistresses and vote below…

CHRISTINE BEATTY

(Allegedly) Did It With… Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick
If getting caught red-handed in her inappropriate shag-fest with Detroit’s Mayor wasn’t embarrassing enough, Beatty lied about the affair under oath and is awaiting trail on perjury and other criminal charges. We think it’s no coincidence Beatty was voted most popular in high school'the easy, lying chicks have been known to wear that crown.

ASHLEY ALEXANDRA DUPRE

(Allegedly) Did It With… New York Governor Eliot Spitzer
Dupree was one high-class hooker. Word is that NY Governor Eliot Spitzer spent tons of stacks (sometimes 4k a night) on this out-of-the-closet DNA dumpster. Dupree’s hotness seems to go either way'in some photos she looks totally bone-able, but in others we wouldn’t smash with our GTA IV tee ball bat.

LILA KIRTON

(Allegedly) Did It With… New York Governor David Patterson
Seriously, Lila, a blind man? If having an affair with a politician wasn’t damaging enough, choosing to engage in sexy time with someone who can’t even see what you look like will really fuck up your rep. Still, Patterson gets props for coming clean on this one before the press could expose him.

BARBARA WALTERS

(Allegedly) Did It With… Massachusetts Senator Edward Brooke
According to her recent biography Audition, B-Dubz enjoyed the semi-dark meat back in the '70s. Brooke was the first elected black U.S senator, and he was described by Walters as being “exciting” and “brilliant.” Brooke (who was married at the time of the affair) refused to comment on the situation, saying he doesn’t talk about his or other people’s private lives. What a stand up guy.

RIELLE HUNTER

(Allegedly) Did It With… North Carolina Senator John Edwards
Three words: How dare you. Rielle was canoodling with the one time vice president/president hopeful while his wife was battling cancer. Although the nation knew Edwards as a squeaky-clean senator from North Carolina, he couldn’t resist this former party girl who was shooting web videos for his campaign.
Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

Now it’s almost seven years later and we’re less freaked out than we are in utter disbelief at the major hoodwinking we (and the rest of the world) received at the hands of our functionally retarded president. Well, guess what? Get Your War On is back, it’s as pissed-off as ever…and it’s on video! Watch the promo and first two episodes below.

The promo spot:

Episode 1:

Episode 2:

[23/6]

Even aside from that whole “slavery” debacle, our country’s earliest leaders were no angels. A closer look at the lives of politicians like Benjamin Franklin, George Washington and Alexander Hamilton reveals that they all had a few unsavory incidents in their past. After the jump, read about five dirty secrets that the founding fathers wish we would forget.

Benjamin Franklin
Writer/Inventor/Declaration of Independence Co-Author
SECRET: He Paid His Baby Mama To Keep Quiet
Perhaps the man who’s face is now on the $100 bill was making it rain the night he met the woman who would bear his first child, William. While the identity of his baby’s mom is a carefully kept secret that has eluded historians, the gossip of the time claimed that she was a prostitute who the Franklin family secretly kept around as a maid. This might be a stretch, but friends of the statesman have revealed that she was an embarrassingly poor woman who Ben paid a “small provision” to in return for her silence.

Josiah Bartlett
Congressman/Governor/Declaration of Independence Signee
SECRET: He Was All About Incest
This New Hampshire physician, supreme court judge and well-known politician married his first cousin Mary, who was the daughter of his father’s brother. The couple then proceeded to pump out a whopping 12 inbred children. The President from TV’s The West Wing, also named Josiah Bartlett, was supposed to be a descendant of this great founding father/cousin fucker. Which explains a lot.

George Washington
First President Of The United States
SECRET: He Was A Golddigger
The first President of the United States wasn’t always the most powerful man in the country. Before he met his wife Martha, he was a simple farmer and soldier who was secretely in love with his homie’s wife, Sally Fairfax. But his luck changed when friends introduced him to Martha Dandridge, a crazy rich widow. Three weeks later, they were married, and George instantly became rich as fuck. In addition to control over her 18,000 acre estate, he was soon whipping 100 slaves and doubling the size of his own own family’s house. Cha-ching!

Alexander Hamilton
First Secretary Of Treasury/Constitution Signee
SECRET: He Got Blackmailed By His Mistress’s Husband
While the Clinton name has become synonymous with political sex scandals, Alexander Hamilton was actually one of the first to admit to it. He was carrying on an affair with 23 year old Maria Reynolds, when her husband found out and proceeded to extort upwards of $1000 out of Hamilton in exchange for his silence. But when the husband got knocked on counterfitting charges, he quickly exposed the affair to Hamilton’s foe, Aaron Burr, who put his business in the streets. Years later, the grudge remained'after being challanged to a duel, Burr finally shot and killed Hamilton.

Thomas Jefferson
Third President/Author Of The Declaration Of Independence
SECRET: He Knocked Up His Slaves
Despite writing words like “the amalgamation of whites with blacks produces a degradation to which no lover of his country, no lover of excellence in the human character, can innocently consent,” Jefferson definitely loved to fuck his slaves. DNA tests have since proven that he had six children with his favorite light-skinned slave, Sally Hemings, who lived with Jefferson in France for two years. They’ll always have Paris!