After eight grueling years of destroying various aspects of our country, the GOP is finally destroying itself. The country’s cultural landscape has shifted in a way that has Republicans fabricating heroic anecdotes, embracing ebonics and scrambling for a leader. Hella entertaining. I’m sure there’s some competition for Obama out there, but if so, I haven’t seen anyone. Most that have emerged only reinforce confidence that a Democratic majority will have a dynasty not seen since the days of Roc-A-Fella. Now we all know that Joe The Skinhead and Sarah Pipeline are gunning for that number # 1 spot. But let’s look at some of the other potential leaders who could drive the GOP even deeper into irrelevance…

5) BOBBY JINDAL

• You know it hurt the GOP’s heart when their star non-cracker delivered the most patronizing, contrived television address since Bush bounced. It didn’t help that he fabricated a bizarre tale of governmental fuckery, which ironically placed blame on his own party for Katrina. TKO, bitch.

4) MICHELLE BACHMAN

• If she wasn’t so frightening I’d truly love this woman based on her delusional psychosis that makes for fascinating TV. After calling for an investigation into non-American activities in Congress, Bachman was yanked off of cable and barely survived a razor-thin election. So oblivious to her own ignorance, she introduced RNC chairman, Michael Steele, at a recent event, with the awkward compliment, “You Be Da Man!” *Shivers*

3) ELISABETH HASSELBECK

• No she hasn’t officially declared her candidacy for anything yet, but you know it’s coming. The GOP is privately livid that the “All-American” woman’s aesthetic has shifted from the blond, Caucasian, persuasion to a more diverse look. She’s been building her fan base on The View and gaining sympathy with her meltdowns. Let’s hope she makes an emotional decision to put Country First and go down in electoral flames.

2) MICHAEL STEELE

• I think it’s starting to dawn on Mr. Steele that his victory as head of the RNC was nothing but a cruel inside-joke waged by cynical intra-party adversaries. They must get a kick out him parading forced “hip-hop lingo” from network to network, while getting overtly sonned by various news anchors who question his power. Sad, really.

1) RUSH LIMBAUGH

• The question isn’t whether or not he’ll run for president, but how soon. Sure homie pops more pills than Cindy McCain at a rave and blurts out racist observations at a rate that would make Prince Harry blush. But he’s nice on the mic, markets himself well and has internet soldiers ready to go to war for his faux-freedom. And the democrats are wisely boosting his importance, knowing that a 2012 primary win for Rush is anathema for a GOP future.

This past week, Sean Combs appeared on Bill Maher, where he declared that, regardless of Obama’s race, most Americans are happy that we finally have a “cool president.” I thought Bill Clinton getting a head whop from ML was pretty cool, but that’s irrelevant. We now have a fresh slate from which to define American presidential swag and I’d like to throw in my two cents. Here’s a few ideas for the big homie on how to maximize his youthful mentality to transform this puritanical nation into paradise…

5. SMASH THE OBAMA GIRL

Is it short-sighted and shallow? Yes. But let me elaborate. The viral “I’ve Got A Crush On Obama” video garnered over 12 million views and single-handedly propelled the Obama brand into college dorms throughout the country. Perverts everywhere were enamored with passionate calls for change. The least he could do is give her a tour of the oval office, or vice versa. It’ll be easy to pull off'she’s already coming to the White House Correspondent’s dinner and should be tipsy and star-struck.
——————————————————————————

4. INCLUDE HIP-HOP HEAVYWEIGHTS INTO GOVERNMENT POSITIONS

For the first time in history, the majority of the hip-hop community has actually identified with the United States government and felt some sort of inclusion as Americans. I’m still adjusting. But to expedite the conformity process and really co-opt our angst and aggression, I think Obama should start promoting some hip-hop icons into power positions. You can’t deny that artists helped to sway youth opinion, contributing to a record-breaking turnout among young voters. The only fair response: Jeezy as Drug Czar? Or head of USDA? Nas as Secretary of Education? I didn’t see Bill Richardson making fucking anthems for Barry and performing them around the country. Where’s the justice?
——————————————————————————

3. LEGALIZE PROSTITUTION

I could detail my rational based on health and safety reasons, but I’ll just say this: hookers have destroyed the careers of some exceptional politicians and it’s an outright shame! This has got to stop. Not only would this alleviate additional stress and paranoia from our bureaucrats, but it will also provide millions of high-paying jobs'with benefits.
——————————————————————————

2. CREATE A TASK-FORCE TO SOLVE UNSOLVED MURDERS OF RAPPERS

There’s something really eerie about the lack of information surrounding the murders of some of hip-hop’s greats: Pac, Biggie, Big L, Jam Master Jay, Soulja Slim, and so on. Solving these tragedies is a win-win situation for Obama. Not only will it bring closure for the families and fans, but it can also highlight how effective the CIA is at covert domestic assassinations.
——————————————————————————

1. LEGALIZE GANJA

I’m sure you probably saw this one coming for all the obvious reasons, but think of the fiscal benefits. If there’s one thing that will kick-start this impotent economy, it’s to encourage weed sales! And it’s gonna happen. Barack “Maui Waui” Obama was a stoner and knows deep down that 75% of Americans get irie. He wants to get re-elected and we wanna re-up. Let’s turn a tax break into a smoke break!

Everyone’s been praising Bush for his humane handling of the power transition, and I gotta give it to him. There’s so many things he could be pulling right now, but he’s suspiciously cooperative. I mean, he could have at least raised the terror alert to red. Started a new oil war? Outed a CIA agent who voted for Obama? Maybe it’s a testament to a “functioning” democracy but I think it has more to do with Dubya’s desire to get his post-Presidential life cracking and let the Barackracy begin. And to make sure he doesn’t pull any funny-style fourth quarter surprises, I’ve made a list of some career options once the Obamas evict his ass like a squatter in a foreclosed home…

SCREENPLAY WRITER

Bush is naturally gifted at creating phrases that sound great and often lead to action and violence. He’s expressed regret for some of his most famous lines, but that was only after his wife reminded him one day that he was actually President of the United States. In Hollywood, the sky is the limit for bullshit artists and he’ll fit right in with the coke-heads.

SOLIDER

If there’s a demand for something in the Bush economy, it’s soldiers! One thing you can’t deny is that Dubya created a shitload of job opportunities in the military industry. He missed the opportunity in Vietnam to spread freedom, so now’s his chance before it’s too late!

TELEVANGELIST

He’s got the face recognition, the messianic swag and an All-American affection for the lord. His sermons could be slight variations of his press conferences'addressing evil-doers, sharing anecdotes and begging for faith in leadership. To build demand for his memoir, he should consider co-writing a motivational coffee-table book with Joel Osteen. They could call it “Compassionate Conmen”.

IRAQI PRESIDENT

Look, he put his whole reputation on the line for Operation Iraqi Freedom, the least they could do is make him their George Washington for a couple months. He fits the criteria for many Middle Eastern politicians: Wealthy family upbringing, ultra-religious, corrupt and has peculiar desires to outshine a father figure. His campaign slogan would read something like “I Gave You Freedom, You Ungrateful Little Bastards!”.

PRISONER

His experience with illegal activities'torture, wiretapping, war, detainment, and so on'makes him a leading candidate for the slammer. Now, I honestly don’t wish incarceration on my worst enemies, but Bush actually graduated from worst enemy to war criminal. If Michael Vick’s locked up for dog fighting, then what’s the consequence for human-fighting? Apparently the Medal of Honor and a severance package.

As we approach the final stretch to Election Day, I’ve been reflecting on how relatively scandal-free this campaign has played out. To both candidates’ credit, there haven’t been many skeletons in the closet that have come back to haunt them. Where’s the Jennifer Flowers? Paula Jones? Donna Rice? Where’s the sleaze, for goodness sakes?!

You get the impression that John McCain relies on Cindy for an allowance and Michelle seems to have the homie Barack on lock. That’s definitely not the norm, because most of these politicians have bigger egos than rappers, and no amount of spousal attention will diminish their Rastafarian desire to spread the seed. So in honor of Cindy and Michelle, I’ve compiled a list of the top 5 first ladies from around the world who are most likely to prevent a Lewinsky-esqe scenario. Check the list below…

#5: ASMA AL-ASSAD (Syria)

She has many of the characteristics of an exceptional woman; graduated with first class honors, was independently wealthy as an investment banker and she’s pretty fucking attractive. On the other hand, her own political ambitions have put
her at odds with not only citizens, but with her mother-in-law. Granted, most first ladies must have some Freudian tension with their husband’s mom, but their public feud definitely gives President Bashar Al-Assad a “mulligan” in the event of a casual affair.

#4: QUEEN RANIA (Jordan)

By most accounts, Queen Rania was on her way to becoming a drop-dead gorgeous CitiBank teller when she had the come-up of her lifetime and met Jordan’s future King, Abdullah bin Al-Hussein, at some dinner party. They married six months later. Talk about taking an opportunity and running with that shit. It’s safe to assume King Abdullah is pretty sprung on Rania and won’t deviate.

#3: MEHRIBAN ALIYEVA (Azerbaijan)

Yeah, she’s a trained physician, went to prestigious universities and was elected to her country’s National Assembly, but for all her achievements, there’s one that shines above the rest: this Azerbaijan patriot works as an UNESCO Goodwill Ambassador for promoting the country’s oral traditions. Move over Monica, your services are no longer required.

#2: METTE-MARIT (Norway)

Her bio’s a little more Bristol Palin than Hannah Montana. She met her future husband, Crown Prince Haakon, at some hippie rock festival where they were probably shrooming together. I have to say, Prince Haakon went through it to co-sign Mette-Marit into the royal family. Not only did she get pregnant out of wedlock, but her ex-boyfriend was a convicted Norwegian drug dealer. After such public scrutiny, I don’t think Haakon would jeopardize his relationship with the Norwegian Courtney Love. There’s something about Marit.

#1: CARLA BRUNI (France)

I’m sorry, but I think President Sarkozy is wilin’ with Carla Bruni. Is she sexy? Of course. But you can’t turn a ho into a first lady! Sarkozy thinks he’s like the French Brett Michaels and he just found his multi-lingual “Rock of Love” winner. Not only did she help to destroy one of Mick Jagger’s marriages, but she also dated another one of the Rolling Stones and sort of prides herself on being the “other woman.” And that’s EXACTLY why she’d be great in preventing a President Sarkonzy from getting his JFK on. It takes one to know one, and she’ll spot the home wreckers instantly. Perhaps I should give Sarkozy more credit'he promoted Carla the groupie so he could stay focused. Makes sense.

RELATED: Politickin’ With John Brown: CNN’s Baddest Anchors