In recent weeks, some of Obama’s opponents – in the legislature, media and the streets – have been escalating their criticism to the point of outright racism. There’s no question that we’re in some of the toughest economic times in memory; and history shows that fiscal distress often incites the ignorant populace to seek out scapegoats. Those leading the hate-mongering flock tend to do so out of career opportunism and a lust for power. While it’s tempting to ignore and brush-off these inflammatory critics as simple “haters”, it’s important to call them out, because rhetoric can lead to violence. I mean, they could tell the people they roll with whatever they want, but you and I know what’s going on. Here’s a rundown of some of the most outlandish fuckery hurled at Mr. 44…

5. RNC Chairman Candidate Releases “Puff The Magic Negro”
Shortly after Obama was elected to office, the Republican National Committee began searching for a new leader. One candidate, Chip Saltsman – a Tennessee-native and campaign manager for Mike Huckabee – sent out a racist compilation CD to his GOP colleagues entitled: “We Hate The USA”. In addition to songs such as “The Star Spanglish Banner”, the bigotry-laced album included “Puff The Magic Negro”, which was written by Saltsman’s good friend, Paul Shanklin. Always at the forefront of racist taste-making, Rush “Pain Killer” Limbaugh, broke the record on his show, declaring it “brilliant”. The RNC then proceeded to elect Michael Steele as chairman, the first African-American to hold the post. “You see, we’re not racist!”
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4. The “Birthers” Movement
It’s not entirely clear who actually started the “birther” movement, but it’s been repeatedly defended by Liz Cheney, Lou Dobbs and other mainstream right-wingers. Basically, these racist xenophobes challenge Obama’s Presidential legitimacy, claiming that he was either born in Kenya or Indonesia and has a forged birth certificate. Just yesterday, a judge tossed out the latest attempt by the birther’s legal team to discredit the Commander-In-Chief’s authority. After scoffing at the evidence, Judge Land warned attorney, Orly Taitz, to check herself before she wrecked herself. I would go a step further and propose she chin-check herself.
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3. “Tea-Party” Protests
The “Tea-Party” protests have been filled with some of the most dangerous and ugly hate-filled attacks on Obama to date. A look at their typical protest signs alone are disturbing enough. But their sponsor, FOX News, helped to deceive the public by claiming that their latest march on Washington drew a crowd of millions. In fact it was about 70,000 people, which in itself is a cause for concern.
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2. Rush Limbaugh Defines “Obama’s America”
This is race-baiting 101. The King of Hate Radio, “Racist Rush”, turns it up a notch with this deeply incendiary accusation about “Obama’s America”. Just listen to his foul mouth warning that, “the white kids now get beat up with the black kids cheering.” Eew. He also mocks the sound of “black kids” egging on a fight. Keep in mind, Limbaugh has more than 13 million people listening, and recently signed a contract extension through 2016 that is worth over $400 million. Assuming that we’re in a supply and demand economy, it makes you wonder how many are in agreement.
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1. Joe Wilson Yells “You Lie!” At President Obama
In a move more suited for a politically dysfunctional banana republic, than say, a functioning democracy, Strom Thurmond’s mentee violated historical protocol and lashed out at Obama with the heckling heard ’round the world. Can you imagine the backlash that Democrats would have received if they spouted the same line at George “War President” Bush? It would have been treason. But apparently the Good ‘Ol Boys set different.

• CLICK HERE TO SEE MORE “POLITICKIN’ WITH JOHN BROWN” POSTS!

Today, President Obama hosts the unprecedented White House Beer Summit, with the hope that alcohol can disinfect any open political wounds still stinging from last week’s controversial arrest . This awkward political chess move is as genius as it is shallow – giving a whole new meaning to the term “drinking games”. The goal is vague but the symbology is stark: Nothin in ‘Merica can’t be fixed over a good ‘ol cold one. So what could happen at Barry’s keg party? Here are some possibilities…

5. RACIAL PROFILING COULD END
• Who knows? Once Obama’s swerving off that Coors he might get open and just ram through some aggressive anti-profiling legislation. Sergeant Crowley, a closeted-yuppie, might finish his Blue Moon and digress into an emotional meltdown, seeking forgiveness for his department’s racist tendencies. Or not.

4. COPS AND ROBBERS COULD BE PLAYED
• Part recreation, part training; Gates and Crowley could re-enact the chain of events of the arrest with play-by-play editorialized commentary from, say, Shaq the Sheriff and maybe, Steve Wilkos . It could later air on both ESPN and CNN, possibly hosted by Robert Stack. Just saying.

3. A BRAWL MIGHT OCCUR
• Could happen. Emotions were quite high leading up to the summit and Prof. Gates is notoriously opinionated. Sergeant Crowley might say some slick shit to retaliate for Obama’s comments following the arrest . If it goes down, you can expect Robert Gibbs to jump in.

2. OBAMA MIGHT DRUNK DIAL FORMER ADVERSARIES
• Possibly inspired by the British 19-year-old who drunk-called the White House in March, the trio might hop on the Skype and anonymously crank call old frienemies. “Hello, this is Reverend Wright speaking…Hello? Hello?…”

1. HE MAY POSE FOR PHOTO OP
• I’d really not like to think this is the case, but you just don’t know these days. It’s possible – extremely slim but indeed possible – that Mr. 44 is using this summit for nothing less than a politically calculated photo-op. Word to Axelrod.

Rocking a mean set of dad jeans and a White Sox jacket, Obama, by most accounts, got a somewhat wobbly pitch off that just barely made it to Albert Pujols‘ glove. See, it’s tough to tell from the TV clip, because the Fox Network cameraman fucked up Barry’s moment of glory athletic mediocrity with a bad angle. In fairness, anybody’s gonna look wack after Dubya, who could definitely find work as a relief pitcher if this whole legacy-building thing doesn’t pan out.

This past Sunday, President Obama gave a commencement speech at Notre Dame where he congratulated a championship outdoor basketball team called “Hallelujah Holla Back” – a Ghetto Revival catchphrase that I popularized on ego trip’s (White) Rapper Show . Pretty surreal. The moment was significant not only because it reinforced the phrase’s cultural relevancy, but also represented another historical moment of a commander in chief’s encounter with hip-hop culture. In honor of the recognition, here’s a look at some of the biggest moments of Hip-Hop’s Direct Interaction with the U.S. Presidency…

5. President George H. W. Bush Invites Eazy-E To The White House, 1991
• The late, great Eazy-E was a strategic donator. After forking over $2,500 to an anti-censorship GOP member, he was invited for lunch at the White House. Despite suspicions from the hip-hop community, Eazy defends his move in this clip as elaborate promotion. I see the vision!

4. President George H. W. Bush Denounces Ice-T’s “Cop Killer”, 1992
• After President Reagan’s era of increased poverty and drug abuse, his successor moved in to criticize the cultural backlash. Dubya’s dad never mentions Ice-T by name, but denounces his infamous record, “Cop Killer,” as “sick.” Ironically, one of Bush’s biggest supporters at the time, Arnold Schwarzenegger, “killed” hundreds of cops on the big screen. Apparently, entertainment is treated differently when it comes from an O.G.

3. Bill Clinton Criticizes Sister Souljah, 1992
• After the 1992 L.A. Riots, hip-hop artist and activist Sister Souljah was quoted as saying: “If black people kill black people every day, why not have a week and kill white people?” Bill Clinton, who was campaigning for the Presidency, chastised her remarks as fomenting racism. The outcry actually led to a healthy boost in Sister Souljah’s platform to voice her beliefs, most eloquently highlighted on this Donahue episode.

2. President George W. Bush Pardons John Forte, 2008
• As Dubya’s days as Prez wound down, his pardon game got interesting. No one really expected the former coke-head to release ex-Fugee member John Forte, who had spent seven years incarcerated for liquid cocaine possession. Although Forte has remained quiet about his opinions on Bush, he wasted no time getting back in the booth. The dope game’s hard but the rap game’s easy.

1. Barack Obama Gets The Dirt Off His Shoulders, 2008
• So far, Obama has been more of an ally than an adversary to the hip-hop community. In this famous clip from the campaign trail, he adopts Jay-Z’s mantra when describing how he responds to Hillary Clinton’s attacks. Looks like someone was feeling like a pimp.

After John McCain was defeated in the national election, commentators applauded his concession speech as one that promoted national unity following a racially-charged campaign. Basically, “thanks for not trying a coup, John.” But many sore losers still had a bone to pick with President Obama. Unsurprisingly, the latest snub comes from McCain’s home state, Arizona. Now don’t get me wrong, in no way am I lumping all people from AZ into this category. Clearly, racist fuckery exists all over. But there seems to be a pattern in recent Arizona history that makes you wonder who’s running things over there…*glares towards @janbrewer*

5. Barry Goldwater Supports Segregation, 1964
• Before the GOP officially embraced the so-called “southern strategy” to win elections – namely inciting racism for votes – Arizona Senator, Barry Goldwater, set the tone. He was the only politician who was not an overtly racist southern segregationist to vote against the Civil Rights Act of 1964. What a maverick! His career quickly excelled.

4. John McCain Votes Against Civil Rights Act, 1990
• McCain carried on the Goldwater tradition of creating a faux-persona of moderate conservatism, while in fact embracing extreme policies. He unapologetically voted against the Civil Rights Act of 1990, giving President George H.W. Bush the one vote he needed to become the first U.S. President to veto civil rights legislation. The Bush clan would later return the favor by smearing McCain’s family during the 2000primary. Class Acts.

3. Arizona Rejects MLK Day As A Federal Holiday, 1983
• It’s not a surprise that McCain vetoed the Civil Rights Act, considering that in 1983 he voted against declaring MLK day a national holiday. Despite protests, Arizona remains the only state in the union that does not officially acknowledge Martin Luther King’s birthday. 21st century FAIL.

2. White Arizona College Students Celebrate MLK Day in Black Face, 2007
• The racially twisted stances set by some Arizona political leaders clearly trickled down to segments of Arizona’s “I love college” population. In 2007, some students from the predominantly white University of Arizona took it upon themselves to celebrate MLK day in blackface as they dressed up as their “favorite black person”. Do something crazy!

1. ASU Refuses To Award Obama an Honorary Degree, 2009
• This investigative report by The Daily Show is as hilarious as it is disturbing. Hopefully, by the time I get to Arizona these douche bags will be the real public enemy. Here’s Obama’s response.

It’s hard to believe it’s been well over 100 days since I was running around frigid D.C. getting my inauguration on. But so far it looks like many of the hyperbolized fears stirred up about Obama have been debunked and Mr. 44 has emerged as a fairly competent leader in tumultuous times. Here’s a look at a highlight reel of his accomplishments at the 100 day mark…

5. EMBRACED MEDIA

• I wouldn’t go so far as to call it a “transparent presidency,” but compared to the Bush administration, it’s eye-opening. Whether it was his unprecedented appearance on The Tonight Show or his weekly youtube addresses, it’s clear that Obama plans to continue taking full advantage of the media tools that helped get him elected.
SIDEBAR: He jacked the weekly address idea from Hugo Chavez. No shots.


4. BEGAN LIFTING CUBA TRAVEL RESTRICTIONS

• Considering that Dubya’s grandpa, George Prescott Bush, lost considerable sugar cane plantations following the Cuban Revolution, it’s no surprise we had to wait for a new era before revising our relations with Cuba. The embargo is not yet lifted, but it’s a step in the right ethical direction.

3. GRADUALLY REVERSING BUSH POLICIES

• Although Bush’s slime ball sidekicks successfully pushed through some last minute legislation, Obama’s been gradually chipping away at various aspects of that evil administration. He exposed Bush’s memos outlining torture tactics, authorized the closing of Guantanamo Bay and now allows the press to photograph caskets of U.S. soldiers with family consent. And he’s only just scratched the surface.

2. ENGAGING THE MUSLIM WORLD

• The race-baiting and fear-mongering adopted by McCain’s campaign forced Obama to down-play his Muslim background and repeatedly embrace the Christian faith. But once he got elected, Obama wisely reached out to the Muslim world by granting his first formal interview with the Dubai-based Al-Arabiya news channel. Haters, start your engines!

1. PASSED LEGISLATION

• Despite the common urge to harangue our bureaucrats for gridlock incompetence, Obama has managed to pass a few bills in his first 100. In what was the biggest public spending bill since WWII, Obama was able to get “fiscal conservatives” to co-sign his $789 billion stimulus bill with hopes of re-boosting the economy. Not everyone was thrilled.

This past week, Obama made some controversial waves after deciding not to prosecute Bush’s masterminds of torture, despite releasing incriminating memos that detailed their illegal interrogation tactics. But the streets wanna know: Is the president our American Mandela, taking the wise high-road of reconciliation? Or is he merely a typical agent of political bitchassness—too shook to actually punish corrupt officials? Let’s look at some of the different arguments floating around…


5. SEAN HANNITY, Fox News
• Shockingly, Sean’s not buying into all the hoopla surrounding the enemies of freedom. Torture schmorture. Here, he actually offers to be waterboarded himself for charity. Make checks payable to Walter Reed Army Medical Facility, asshole.

4. MIKE GUY, Playboy
• Before opining on torture accusations, Playboy journalist, Mike Guy, underwent 15 seconds of waterboarding to see if it lived up to all the hype. No he’s not some sort of twisted sado masochist, but rather an empirical researcher. The result: “Hated it!”

3. PEGGY NOONAN, Wall Street Journal
• For Peggy, bad PR is torture. Here she expresses her sheer annoyance with the release of the memos. OMG, human rights are soooooo 2008.

2. SHEPARD SMITH, Fox News
• Shepard’s been trying to dig himself out of the creepy dark corners of right-wing propagandists. In this clip, he drops the f-bomb while confronting some sadistic proponents of coerced interrogation. It’s about f*ck!ng time.

1. MOVEON.ORG, Commercial
• In response to Obama’s cordiality, the left-wing political action committee, MoveOn.org, released this commercial demanding accountability. Call me biased, but I co-sign.

Trying to pass a $3.6 trillion budget takes mad persuasion and mind manipulation. So when President Obama made history last week by appearing on The Tonight Show, it represented an evolution in outreach tactics. Dating back to JFK, sitting presidents have been trying to get that TV burn to build a fan base. Here are some historical presidential moments on the idiot box…

5. President Kennedy on NBC-TV, 1963

• When JFK wasn’t sneaking jump-offs into the oval office, he was running game on Washington reporters. In this clip, he takes extra time to ensure that his propaganda was not misquoted. He didn’t expect this to ever be released publicly.

4. President Reagan on Barbara Walters, 1981

• Despite the GOP’s attempt to revise history and hail Reagan as a great US President, the people know what’s really good. His experience in Hollywood set the stage for this theatrical portrayal of a rugged Reagan at home on the ranch. Sound familiar? While describing his patriotism, he declares at the end, “There is a whole new breed of people called American.”

3. Bill Clinton on “Larry King Live”, 1992

• To his credit, Bill Clinton’s shrewdness helped him weather countless political scandals as president. His diplomatic discipline is evident in this footage as Larry King tries to get him to give an off-air opinion of CNN’s Ted Turner. Clinton, who was a presidential candidate at the time, looks suspicious and remains mum. Too bad he couldn’t get his groupies to do the same.

2. President George W. Bush on “Deal or No Deal”, 2008

• This is perhaps the most surreal appearance from a sitting president on TV. When Bush showed up via satellite to give a superficial shout out to a war vet contestant, he explained his true motives: “I’m thrilled to be on Deal or No Deal’ with you tonight. Come to think of it, I’m thrilled to be anywhere with high ratings these days.” Maybe he wasn’t as delusional as we thought.

1. President Obama on “The Tonight Show”, 2009

• Although substantive discussion comprised most of the interview, his comment about the Special Olympics made all the headlines. It was definitely cringe-worthy. But commander-in-chief-comedic-relief is a risky balancing act. Everyone’s got bad jokes, but Barack should really leave improv to the pros.

Worldwide Hydrogen Super Highways has designed an elevated railway that will utilize hyrdogen powered traincars that can reach up to 200 mph. Finally! We’ll have a train system that can compete with the systems found around the world. Just how good are those systems you say? We picked five of our favorites for you below…

FRANCE’S TGV DUPLEX (Train a Grande Vitesse)

• Opened to the public in 1982 to shuttle passengers between Paris and Lyon, the TGV, which is French for High Speed Train, is Frances high speed rail system. It currently holds the record for the fastest wheeled train due to a controlled test run that saw the TGV hit 357 mph. Thanks to enlarged wheels, lowered axle’s and a lack of sharp turns in the high speed railing the TGV is able to hit 200 mph during normal operation. To accommodate the high traffic of people wanting to quickly travel around France and to neighboring countries, the TGV added a Duplex train.

SPAIN’S AVE (Alta Velocidad Española)

• When Spain started building their AVE high speed rail system in the late 80’s, they had plans for the line to do more than quickly shuttle people around Spain. Unlike the rest of the railways in Spain, AVE can hit 186 mph and uses a standard gauge rail line making it caveman-simple to connect to other countries rail lines. And with future plans to connect to Frances TGV, they’re doing just that.

GERMANY’S ICE (Intercity-Express)

• The flagship of the German national railway company, the Intercity-Express is one of the most widely used forms of public transportation in Germany. Now on their third generation of train cars, the ICE 3 is the fastest train in the system, able to hit 186 mph during normal operation thanks to a system of electrical units with underfloor motors, making them more efficient and reducing the the load per axle for each car.

UK’S HIGH SPEED 1

• Due to the fact that British Rail didn’t want to build new railways for their high speed train service, most of the UK’s train systems can’t go over 125mph. But with High Speed 1, Britain’s special purpose high speed rail, that’s gonna change in ‘09. New commuter trains capable of hitting 140mph (around the same speed as Acela trains) will be introduced on the London to Kent route. Before you go thinking that our Acela lines aren’t that bad, there are already plans for a High Speed 2 that will accommodate trains that go over 150mph.

JAPAN’S JR-Maglev

• Unlike the other trains on this list the JR-Maglev doesn’t use wheels, it uses a magnetic levitation train system developed by the Central Japan Railway Company and Railway Technical Research Institute. Although it’s currently only used in experimental conditions, the Maglev is the worlds fastest train, able to hit speeds of up to 361 mph, so you can get to LA from NY in just six hours.

Neither Yeezy nor Tum Tum is being original for their new hairdos. To school the young, we compiled an unauthorized list of black mulleteers. [LINK]

Complex and Twitter showed you what really went down during the presidential inauguration. [LINK]

Does Rudy Fernandez have what it takes to compete in this year's NBA Slam Dunk Contest? We weren't sure. So we asked you to vote for the rightful winner. [LINK]

For this week's exciting Super Two's Day, we anointed Mariah Carey as the Queen of Cleavage. [LINK]

And From The Complex Network:
OnSmash: Jim Jones assures the world that he is financially stable on his new street single called Na Na (We Getting Money Like). [LINK]

HighSnobiety: Check out Gourmet's brown leather sneaker previewed at this year's Bread & Butter Barcelona. [LINK]

NahRight: Jay-Z explains what is taking him so long to complete Blueprint 3. [LINK]

KicksOnFire: With the numbered series officially ended, what can we expect now for the future of our beloved Air Jordan brand? Voice your opinion. [LINK]

Bastardly: Alessandra Ambrosio continues the winning streak by starting our weekend with her gorgeous bikini pics. [LINK]

We are Baracking out with our cocks out in celebration of his early moves, but there’s a lot more to be done. Here are six more Bush f*ck-ups our dapper new prez can resolve…


1) The Deficit Reduction Act of 2005 which financially restricts college student access to birth control. Bush sweats abstinence-only sex ed programs which are proven ineffective, so he can suck it, literally.

2) The Military Commissions Act which defines an unlawful enemy combatant as “an individual engaged in hostilities against the United States who is not a lawful enemy combatant.” What the tits? Any good Samaritan citizen perceived as acting “hostile” towards the US could be arrested, shipped to Cuba, and forced to gobble up cock meat sandwiches 1-3 times a day. Mmm.

3) The Electronic Surveillance Modernization Act
Allowed Big Bro Bush to stalk people in the US believed to have “foreign intelligence information,” no warrant necessary! An integral element of his fantastical War on Terror. It allowed his administration to track all your cyber activity from your recently viewed porn sites to your sexually explicit text messages.

4) Executive Order 13279
Churches can have their communion wafers and eat them too under this perfectly round Bush-carved loophole. Expanding upon a previous order encouraging fed dollas for religious groups, this order calls for equal protection of the laws for faith-based organizations. The problem is discrimination is inherent in the order, making it nice and easy for prejudice against the “other.”

5) The Patriot Act
Doing away with civil liberties in one fell swoop, the Patriot Act gives the government unbridled access to everything from your phone, e-mail, dental and tax records to straight making a B & E into your home for secret searches without telling you. U S A! U S A!

6) The Comprehensive Immigration Reform Plan
This mind-boggling joke of legislative material would have given illegal immigrants six years to work in the states before getting the boot back across the border. Picture 11 million schlepping out of our country all at the same time. Like slapping one of those little circle band-aids on a severed thigh… bad look.

After debating the pros and cons of hitting D.C. for the inauguration, I finally got inspired, copped some purple and headed to the nation’s capitol to witness history up close. I’m glad I went. The crowds were of such titanic proportions that I stayed on stampede-alert for the trip’s duration. But there was a collective excitement of ushering in a new era of modern America that had me drinking like a young Bush.

On the day of the inauguration, I woke-up at an ungodly hour to join the throngs of Obama supporters on the National Mall. There were more law enforcement agents in the area than police in Manhattan, all of whom had their own renegade plans for crowd control. Although there was genuine excitement for the impending ceremony, I can’t lie'the cold had me briefly questioning my level of sanity for standing on concrete ice for two hours. But after Obama recited the suspiciously inaccurate oath, the crowd erupted into a howling frenzy traditionally reserved for game-winning goals at the World Cup. Chills went down my spine, arms went up in the air, and a new era had officially begun. Watch a video from the trip below, including grizzy footage of Common’s performance from club Love…

This new (to us) brand White Mountaineering is getting mad hype on the WWW these days, and a new footwear collab with Timberland looks real nice. [High Snobiety]

Converse x ACDC and Converse x Metallica? Horns up. [Vagant]

New Pendleton vests to help the big man get his (Commander In) Chief on. [Hypebeast]

Head Porter x Original Fake: too litte, too late, or ultimate Japanese freakout? You decide. [Slam x Hype]

Some new colors on the Casio Mudman. Who says general releases can’t get it done? [Crunch Gear]

We recognize that Obama's got a lot riding on Tuesday night, and has a lot to do between now and then. To help #44 out we've made a few calls and got some of our favorite designers to throw some possible inauguration pieces together. Yes we can, and yes we did. Check below to see all the ensembles we came up with…

SUIT OPTION 1 & 2: Dolce & Gabbana

SUIT OPTION 3 & 4: Ermenegildo Zegna

SUIT OPTIONS 5 & 6: Giorgio Armani (left) and Yves Saint Laurent (right)

After debating the pros and cons of hitting D.C. for the inauguration, I finally got inspired, copped some purple and headed to the nation’s capitol to witness history up close. I’m glad I went. The crowds were of such titanic proportions that I stayed on stampede-alert for the trip’s duration. But there was a collective excitement of ushering in a new era of modern America that had me drinking like a young Bush. On the day of the inauguration, I woke-up at an ungodly hour to join the throngs of Obama supporters on the National Mall. There were more law enforcement agents in the area than police in Manhattan, all of whom had their own renegade plans for crowd control. Although there was genuine excitement for the impending ceremony, I can’t lie – the cold had me briefly questioning my level of sanity for standing on concrete ice for two hours. But after Obama recited the suspiciously inaccurate oath, the crowd erupted into a howling frenzy traditionally reserved for game-winning goals at the World Cup. Chills went down my spine, arms went up in the air, and a new era had officially begun. Here’s some footage from the trip, including a little bit of Common’s performance at Love:


5. HIT THE BARS

• You could just keep it simple and get plastered in some grimey hole-in-the wall before chanting “U-S-A!” when Obama hits the stage. There’s also the more sophisticated lounge option. If you’re in NYC, the famous promoter, Roxy Cottontail, is hosting a celebration.

4. ATTEND A FUNDRAISER

• Ah yes, the fundraiser. A feel-good way of contributing to the spirit of positivity while getting a complimentary cocktail. I think it’s only appropriate to help raise money for a cause while watching Obama spend the $27 million he raised for his inauguration.

3. HIT UP A CONCERT

• Humans love to watch someone on a stage remind them that they’re experiencing a profound moment in history. Even though there’s some decent shows throughout the country on Jan 20th, I can’t front. The hip-hop related events in D.C. alone make Summer Jam seem like the Bowery Poetry Club.

2. GO TO A STRIP CLUB

• Not much is better than getting a lap dance while watching Bush get evicted. Word on the street is that the disillusioned GOP faithful are heading to Las Vegas to drink away their sorrows and spend holiday bonuses at the Bunny Ranch.

1.STAY HOME AND SIT ON YOUR COMPUTER

• For the socially inept or fiscally pragmatic there is always the virtual approach. It’s good to know that CNN and Facebook aren’t being excluded while everyone else cashes in on “being part of history”.

Hallelujah! So apparently the American Dream is alive and kicking again. What a relief. When CNN declared Obama’s historical victory, I was drinking $12 Obama-mamas and hitting on future Hillarys at some limousine liberal party in Midtown.

I couldn’t wait to hear Team Maverick’s concession speech. If Barack’s moto was “Yes We Did” I could only assume that McCain’s chant to America was “No You Didn’t!” While McCain tried to redeem his public image by bullshitting a masterfully crafted congratulations speech, I couldn’t help but imagine what he really wanted to say. So I thought I’d take this time to say it for him…

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN: Thank you. Thank you, my fellow white pro-Americans. Wow what a beautiful potential lynch mob we have here in anti-MLK Arizona! My friends, we have come to the end of a long journey of white supremacy, and frankly it scares me. The socialists, terrorists and African-Americans that comprise the Democratic party have spoken, and they have spoken articulately. (Boo) A little while ago, I had the humiliation of calling That One – Bill Ayers’ soulmate – Barack Hussein Obama, to mock him on inheriting this maverick economy that really shook up Wall Street. (chuckle, chuckle, chuckle)
CROWD: (chanting) “No You Did-n’t!!, No You Did-n’t!! No You Did-n’t!!”

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN: In a contest as racist as this campaign has been, his success alone is pretty fucking troubling. I was really hoping these old slurs I used to throw around in my younger years would resonate more with voters. But we’ve become anti-American Americans and now names like Barack Hussein Obama are being accepted as American names! This is outrageous. It’s names like John, Cindy, Sarah and Todd that are the backbone of our tradition!
CROWD: (chanting) “USA!” “USA!” “USA!”

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN: But this is an historic election, and I recognize the special significance it has for African-Americans and for the special pride that must be theirs tonight. So, African-Americans, if you’re out there listening all I have to say is “I don’t wanna hear shit about racial profiling anymore! We’ve become a nation of whiners!”
CROWD: [chanting] “NO MORE WHINING!”, “NO MORE WHINING!”, “NO MORE WHINING!”

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN: I’ve always believed that America offers opportunities to all who have investment from pharmaceutical companies. Senator Obama believes that, too. But we both recognize that though we have come a long way from the old injustices that once stained our nation’s reputation, we’ll still lock you the fuck up for the rest of your natural life if you ever try to sell pills to Cindy. I tell you it’s the pushers that make my baby get hifey!
CROWD: (chanting) “LOCK ‘EM UP!” “LOCK ‘EM UP!” “LOCK ‘EM UP!”

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN: A century ago, that tree-hugger Teddy Roosevelt invited Booker T. Washington to dine at the White House. This was taken as an outrage in many quarters of the country. And I’m proud to say that those same quarters of the country are precisely the states that overcame change and voted for me this evening!! Propelling my total electoral count to 43!!!
CROWD: “WE HAVE OVERCOME!”, “WE HAVE OVERCOME!”, “WE HAVE OVERCOME!”

Sincerely,

Senator John McCain

As we approach the final stretch to Election Day, I’ve been reflecting on how relatively scandal-free this campaign has played out. To both candidates’ credit, there haven’t been many skeletons in the closet that have come back to haunt them. Where’s the Jennifer Flowers? Paula Jones? Donna Rice? Where’s the sleaze, for goodness sakes?!

You get the impression that John McCain relies on Cindy for an allowance and Michelle seems to have the homie Barack on lock. That’s definitely not the norm, because most of these politicians have bigger egos than rappers, and no amount of spousal attention will diminish their Rastafarian desire to spread the seed. So in honor of Cindy and Michelle, I’ve compiled a list of the top 5 first ladies from around the world who are most likely to prevent a Lewinsky-esqe scenario. Check the list below…

#5: ASMA AL-ASSAD (Syria)

She has many of the characteristics of an exceptional woman; graduated with first class honors, was independently wealthy as an investment banker and she’s pretty fucking attractive. On the other hand, her own political ambitions have put
her at odds with not only citizens, but with her mother-in-law. Granted, most first ladies must have some Freudian tension with their husband’s mom, but their public feud definitely gives President Bashar Al-Assad a “mulligan” in the event of a casual affair.

#4: QUEEN RANIA (Jordan)

By most accounts, Queen Rania was on her way to becoming a drop-dead gorgeous CitiBank teller when she had the come-up of her lifetime and met Jordan’s future King, Abdullah bin Al-Hussein, at some dinner party. They married six months later. Talk about taking an opportunity and running with that shit. It’s safe to assume King Abdullah is pretty sprung on Rania and won’t deviate.

#3: MEHRIBAN ALIYEVA (Azerbaijan)

Yeah, she’s a trained physician, went to prestigious universities and was elected to her country’s National Assembly, but for all her achievements, there’s one that shines above the rest: this Azerbaijan patriot works as an UNESCO Goodwill Ambassador for promoting the country’s oral traditions. Move over Monica, your services are no longer required.

#2: METTE-MARIT (Norway)

Her bio’s a little more Bristol Palin than Hannah Montana. She met her future husband, Crown Prince Haakon, at some hippie rock festival where they were probably shrooming together. I have to say, Prince Haakon went through it to co-sign Mette-Marit into the royal family. Not only did she get pregnant out of wedlock, but her ex-boyfriend was a convicted Norwegian drug dealer. After such public scrutiny, I don’t think Haakon would jeopardize his relationship with the Norwegian Courtney Love. There’s something about Marit.

#1: CARLA BRUNI (France)

I’m sorry, but I think President Sarkozy is wilin’ with Carla Bruni. Is she sexy? Of course. But you can’t turn a ho into a first lady! Sarkozy thinks he’s like the French Brett Michaels and he just found his multi-lingual “Rock of Love” winner. Not only did she help to destroy one of Mick Jagger’s marriages, but she also dated another one of the Rolling Stones and sort of prides herself on being the “other woman.” And that’s EXACTLY why she’d be great in preventing a President Sarkonzy from getting his JFK on. It takes one to know one, and she’ll spot the home wreckers instantly. Perhaps I should give Sarkozy more credit'he promoted Carla the groupie so he could stay focused. Makes sense.

RELATED: Politickin’ With John Brown: CNN’s Baddest Anchors

“…If I’m interested in figuring out my foreign policy, I associate myself with my running mate, Joe Biden or with Dick Lugar, the Republican ranking member on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, or General Jim Jones, the Former Supreme Allied Commander…”

Wait, wait, rewind the tape…did he just say he’d be calling on the Capo to help him with his foreign policy? We don’t know of any “General Jim Jones,” so we can only assume that there will be a major Kufi smack coming to Iraq next year if Obama wins*. Watch the debate clip where Jimmy gets a shout-out below…

*Okay, so Obama is actually referring to Retired General James L. Jones, a former NATO commander who was on his shortlist of Vice Presidential running mates. We think Jimmy still might be a better choice.

Nelly messes with Js, but isn't feeling Kobe's kicks, check what he had to say in this interview. [Asylum]

Check out this Tokyo Game Show 2008 Booth Babe Round Up. [Das Gamer]

Vans’ are doing dope flannels, for real. [Ctothejl]

Mick Boogie x Obama X Tribe Called Quest mixtape/shirt collabo. [PressPlay]

I spent much of the day walking around downtown Denver, the epicenter of activity for this week's Democratic National Convention. The scene here is a bit chaotic: A pro-Obama drum circle to your left, and God-Hates-Fags march on your right. Cars honking. People chanting. Journalists swarming. Meanwhile, mounted police and SWAT teams circle the action, ready to put the hammer down at a moment's notice if things start to get ugly.

One thing that struck me: the incredible number of merchants in town. Apolitical folk who showed up with box-loads full of Obama gear, looking for nothing more than to make a quick buck. One of the guys I talked to'who was walking around, smiling, wearing a gaudy “Yes We Can” shirt'is actually a McCain supporter. Free market capitalism at its finest. Anything goes. And so here you have a photo collection from this morning's walk-around…

Brad Listi is the author of the bestselling novel Attention. Deficit. Disorder. and the founder of the online publication TheNervousBreakdown.com. You can find him at BradListi.com.