Many douche bags have a god complex, but who among them is worthy of playing Marvel Comics’ flying, hammer-wielding Norse god Thor in the superhero’s upcoming big screen adaptation? Marvel and director Kenneth Branagh have reportedly decided that the man for the job is Chris Hemsworth. The Australian actor does a fine job playing James Tiberius Kirk’s ill-fated father in Star Trek for like eight minutes, but is he ready to fill Thor’s sandal-boots?

Maybe, but before filming starts, Complex would like to throw out a few fail-safe alternatives. Typically filmmakers could give a shit about who fans think should be cast, but we’re sure Branagh will hear us out. Unless he wants to get hammered, that is.

GREGG VALENTINO
• It’s about time an openly steroidal circus sideshow act whose muscles have muscles is cast as a superhero. Do you really think those freaks are all natural? Their women have biceps for labia!

MAGNUS SAMUELSSON
• Besides the fact that you can’t even write the name MAGNUS! without caps and at least one exclamation point, this former “World’s Strongest Man” title holder from Sweden actually possesses superhuman strength and size. He has to have superhuman strength just to prevent those massive stones of his from dipping into the water every time he hits the bowl.

NICHOLAS CAGE
• Get him some virgin blood wrinkle cream, character-appropriate hair plugs and a leading lady love interest young enough to be his granddaughter and there’s no action hero the corpse of cagey Nic can’t play.

TONY LITTLE
• Thor = muscles + hair. How could casting overlook the pony that rocked the world of late-night infomercial workout equipment collecting dust in your basement?

ANYBODY FROM THE NORWEGIAN DEATH METAL SCENE
• We don’t know if they can act. We just don’t want them to kill us.

No matter how bald, wrinkly, and senile they get, offenders like Cage, Sylvester Stallone, and Harrison Ford continue to run around firing shots and nauseating audiences by tonguing down hot chicks half their age. We compiled some evidence to help you decide which actor is most out of pocket, like the balls hanging down to his shins.

Click here to see the evidence and vote for the saddest old man…

Variety is reporting that Val Kilmer and Xzibit are the latest to sign on to Werner Herzog’s update of Abel Ferrara’s 1992 crooked-cop classic Bad Lieutenant. The new version'which Herzog is claiming is not a remake, but a continuation'stars Nic Cage, though we doubt Ol’ Melty Face can hold a candle to Harvey Keitel’s original performance.

Keitel’s drugged-out, alcoholic, minor-raping, compulsively gambling scumbag paved the way for Denzel’s Training Day tour de force and reinforced what quite a few of us already thought about the boys in blue (word to Spider Loc). After the jump, check out a few famous moments from the original flick, as well as the Schoolly D banger “Signifying Rapper,” which was featured prominently in the movie (and was ultimately cut from the VHS version after Jimmy Page’s bitch ass complained about the same “Kashmir” sample that he later gave to Puffy).

Schoolly D “Signifying Rapper”

Harvey Keitel gets heated with Daryl Strawberry:

Smoking bones in the staircase:

The bodega chronicles:

[Variety]