The sad thing about Rush’s rejection? He could’ve fielded a team of guys just like him. No, not evil drug addicts, white dudes! Sure, they might not be the best 22 guys on the field, but at least Rush wouldn’t have to worry about them getting big heads because the media was desirous that they do well. Since Rush seems to view everything through the prism of race, we’d thought we’d help him out with the Coulda Woulda Shoulda All-White Limbaugh Team…

Matt Hasselbeck | QB
The Seahawks’ three-time Pro Bowl QB is the brother-in-law of conservative View commentator Elisabeth Hasselbeck, who’s regularly sparred with Whoopi Goldberg and Rosie O’Donnell on her show. The only way Matt could be more appealing to Rush is if he was one of those magical jumping quarterbacks that shit oxycodone.

Brian Leonard | RB
Congrats son, you made the team! Although he’s only rushed for 11 yards this season, BL would fit perfectly on Rush’s All-White squad…because we can’t seem to find another white running back in the league.

David Diehl | T
Diehl has a Croatian coat of arms tattoed on his arm. No black folk in Croatia, far as we know.

Jake Long | T
Jake survived a fire in his dormitory during his sophomore year in college, which, in Rush’s world, could’ve been started by members of Acorn.

Chris Cooley | TE
Famously posted a picture of his dick on his blog, but Rush has been wanting to brag about the “Cooley on my team” for years, so he’s in.

Brandon Stokley | WR
Just 5′11″ and 192 lbs., Brandon is all heart…and all white.

Wes Welker | WR
Once fined 10k for making a snow angel in the ground after a touchdown, so he’s a veteran of the war against Christian-hating PC effetes.

Alan Faneca | C
Diagnosed with epilepsy, so, like Rush, he has trouble controlling his tongue.

Chris Snee | G
He knocked up his head coach’s daughter—twice. Rush has no daughters, but we’d gladly knock them up if he did.

Jim Leonhard | DB
Jim’s from Ladysmith, Wisconsin, which, much to our non-surprise, is 96% white.

Nick Sorensen | DB
A perfect fit: Nick was once accused of grabbing Pacman Jones’ junk; Rush can’t seem to ever get his hands on enough of the stuff.

Reed Doughty | DB
Being severely hearing impaired is a good thing—plausible deniability is a must when you’re on Team Rush.

Sabby Piscitelli | DB
Although he redshirted during college, Sabby assures Rush he was only “experimenting” with Communism.

Kyle Vanden Bosch | DE
From Larchwood, Iowa, which is, amazingly, even whiter than Ladysmith, Wisconsin.

Jared Allen | DE
A strong McCain supporter because he didn’t want Obama raising taxes on his bread.

Kroy Biermann | DT
Kroy strated off the 2009 season by sacking Chad Pennington twice, but Rush can forgive the white-on-white crime (provided he goes hard after that “McNabb feller”).

Kyle Williams | DT
Two years ago he was undrafted, unemployed and living with his in-laws. Sounds whitebread redneck to us!

Eric Weddle | FS
EW was a special education major in college, so he can serve as chief babysitter for Palin 2012. [ed. note: Yes, we're going to hell, but so's Rush, so whatevs.]

A.J. Hawk | LB
What do you get when you mix George W. Bush supporter Kid Rock and someone that looks like Chris Farley? A.J. Hawk!

Brian Cushing | LB
2008 college All-American. Which for Rush means he got in just before it became “Obama’s America.”

Keith Brooking | LB
This guy started a foundation to help foster children—don’t tell Rush he’s actually a good person or he’ll get cut!

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From owner-vs.-coach public feuds to teammate assaults and intrastaff jawbreakers (no Wonka), the team itself boasts behavior far more self-ethering than their GWAR-tribute fanbase. Which is why we’ve taken a quick break from tallying JaMarcus Russell’s wobbliest pass attempts to compile our list of the most embarrassing Raider moments of the decade. Enjoy!

THE TUCK RULE GAME
WHEN: JANUARY 19, 2002 (AFC Playoff Game)
• The Raiders fall victim to the bullshit rule that no one’s ever heard of or been able to justify. Even the refs have gotten in on the sonning!

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BILL ROMANOWSKI KNOCKS OUT TEAMMATE DURING PRACTICE
WHEN: 2003
• Marcus Williams received $340K from Romo-Cop for breaking his eye socket and ending his career. Steroids totally legitimate medical treatments are a hell of a drug.

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ART SHELL HIRES TOM WALSH AS OFFENSIVE COACH
WHEN: FEBRUARY 2006
• Hire a bed-and-breakfast operator as offensive coordinator? Yeah, sounds like something the Raiders would do. Walsh was demoted before the end of the season as the Raiders went 2-14. At least homie was qualified to clean up after he shit the bed.

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DRAFTING JAMARCUS RUSSELL
WHEN: 2007 NFL DRAFT
• As Russell’s QB rating starts looking more like his age, we have to wonder WTF the Raiders were thinking giving this guy $68 million, with $31 million guaranteed. Crabtree, you got PWN3D.

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AL DAVIS AIRING OUT LANE KIFFIN
WHEN: SEPTEMBER 30 2008
• In this bizarre press conference, a Cryptkeeper-lookin’-ass Al Davis flat out calls his recently fired coach a liar and lays out all the salacious details of the firing. Is this pro football or Days of our Lives?

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DAVID FAUSTINO REPS THE SILVER AND BLACK
WHEN: ONLINE DEBUT, MARCH 2009
• From the set of Married with Children straight to the hood, Grandmaster B knew that donning the Raider cap in this video (which resurfaced online this year) would gain him the street cred he longed for. Which is a touch more than Brian Austin Green, but not quite as much as Corin Nemec.

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BONUS: BROKEN JAW INCIDENT
WHEN: AUGUST 5, 2009
• According to former Raiders assistant and alleged assault victim Randy Hanson, head coach Tom Cable yelled “I’ll fucking kill you!” as he slammed Hanson into furniture, breaking his jaw. Damn, if only Cable’s players could bring that kind of intensity…on the field…and not directed at each other…there might be a dub in their future!

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Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad OchoCinco loves breasts almost as much as he loves attention. That’s why this weekend, when the NFL allows players to wear pink cleats to promote Breast Cancer Awareness Month, the player formerly known as Chad Johnson will take things a step further and match his all-pink cleats to pink gloves, pink wrist bands, a pink mouthpiece, and a pink tutu pink chin strap. On his Twitter account, 85 said that if the No Fun League fines him for wearing additional pink, they can suck two tough titties and he’ll match the fine with a donation to a breast cancer charity. That’s how you show awareness, you boobs!

In honor of Ocho Cinco showing more pink than a porn set, Complex is looking back at the polarizing entertainer-athlete’s most sensational fashion statements. Check ’em out and vote on your favorite…

As promised in last week’s NCAA bonanza, we’re back like cooked crack to bring you the hardest hits in NFL history. After a seven-month break from NFL games that actually matter (sorry, preseason) the defending champ Pittsburgh Steelers are opening the 2009 NFL season tonight against the Tennessee Titans (8:30 p.m., NBC).

So while you kill time before kick-off, take a look at these vicious, agonizing, and gruesome hits—everything from classic DE blindsides to LB spine-twisters to even punters getting brolic with it. Click on for a tour of those game-ending (or season-ending, or even—word to Joe Theismann—career-ending) NFL hits that you crave…

50. LJ “hair tackles” Polamalu

HITTER: Larry Johnson, Kansas City Chiefs
VICTIM: Troy Polamalu, Pittsburgh Steelers
WHEN: October 15, 2006
• With all the petty rules in the NFL, who knew grabbing by the hair to complete a tackle was actually legal? Johnson showed that he was going to take out Polamalu by any means necessary. Unbe-weave-able!
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CLICK NEXT TO SEE THE 49TH HARDEST HIT IN NFL HISTORY!

We don’t want to trivialize unregistered gun usage, but plenty of athletes have done far worse and done far less time than Burress. And we definitely aren’t in favor of locking more people up, but if the former Giants receiver is getting two years, we’ve got 5 Athletes Who Should Be Doing More Time Than Plaxico…

5. TONYA HARDING
CRIME: Conspiring to assault opponent Nancy Kerrigan
PUNISHMENT: 3 years probation, 500 hours community service, and $160,000 fine
• While Burress is staring down a bid at Sing-Sing for kneecapping himself, Harding kneecapped her opponent and ended up with a weed whacker at some cemetery. If it’s any consolation to Plax, at least he won’t have to face Tonya’s post-conviction white trash spiral of sex tapes, DUIs, and prescription drug abuse. We hope.

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4. JIM LEYRITZ
CRIME: Vehicular homicide while driving drunk with a suspended license
PUNISHMENT: 10 days in county jail
• So let’s see here: Leyritz kills somebody, blames them for it, and gets 10 days. If it’s any consolation to Plax, at least he’s not going to hell.

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3. DONTÉ STALLWORTH
CRIME: DUI and second degree manslaughter
PUNISHMENT: 30 days in jail (24 served), 1,000 hours of community service, 2 years of house arrest, and 8 years probation
• Stallworth pleaded guilty to the charges and reached a settlement with the victim’s family, but no amount of community service will change the fact that dude mowed down an innocent construction worker with his Bentley. Of course using the Plaxico example, if Stallworth had run over his own foot with the Bentley, then he’d really be in trouble.

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2. LEONARD LITTLE
CRIME: Vehicular manslaughter while driving drunk
PUNISHMENT: 90 days in jail, 4 years probation, and 1000 hours of community service
• The poster dude for NFL DUI fuckery, Little took a slap on the wrist for drunkenly running over and killing a young woman. He was then arrested again for speeding and driving drunk and walked away with only the misdemeanor charge of speeding.

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1. O.J. SIMPSON
CRIME: Double homicide Failing to find the real killers
PUNISHMENT: $12.5 million fine in a civil suit
• Ok, ok, so O.J. was never convicted, but if he did it, he got away with a doozy. Wait, they’ve never actually proved that it was Plax’s DNA on that gun, now have they!

NAME: Dennis Rodman
WON WITH: Chicago Bulls, 1998 NBA Finals
CONTRACT: 1 year/$1 million with Los Angeles Lakers
GOOD MOVE?: With his sister acting as his agent, Rodman signed to the Lakers not for money but because he wanted to avoid Chicago’s post-Jordan rebuilding phase. Rodman played only 23 games with the Lakers before he was released. He did manage to marry (and divorce) Carmen Electra during his stint in L.A. though.

NAME: Deion Sanders
WON WITH: San Francisco 49ers, Super Bowl XXIX
CONTRACT: 7 years/$25 million with a $12.99 million signing bonus with Dallas Cowboys
GOOD MOVE?: At the end of the 1994 season, Sanders and teammate Jerry Rice butted heads over who deserved the most credit for the 49ers’ Super Bowl win. Sanders ended up signing with the Cowboys, where he enjoyed five successful seasons as one of the highest-paid defensive players in the league. For his sake, we’ll omit what happened to his career after he left Dallas.

NAME: Pat Burrell
WON WITH: Philadelphia Phillies, 2008 World Series
CONTRACT: 2 years/$16 million with Tampa Bay Rays
GOOD MOVE?: After being part of the Phillies squad that beat the Rays in the 2008 World Series, Burrell made the move to Tampa Bay. So far this season, Rays fans are still waiting for Pat the Bat to emerge, as he only has 3 home runs and a .229 batting average. Who are you, Big Papi?

NAME: Pedro Martínez
WON WITH: Boston Red Sox, 2004 World Series
CONTRACT: 4 years/$53 million with New York Mets
GOOD MOVE?: Pedro’s time in New York would be marred by injury with occasional patches of the pitching strength that merited his fat deal. An aging Martinez would finish up the 2008 season with the Mets on a low note, recording the first losing record of his career before becoming a free agent and ultimately signing with the Phillies for pennies…well, $1 million for one year, anyway.

NAME: Dominic Rhodes
WON WITH: Indianapolis Colts, Super Bowl XLI
CONTRACT: 2 years/$7.5 million with Oakland Raiders
GOOD MOVE?: Although he signed on for two years, Rhodes would only play one season with the Raiders. Rhodes started off the 2007 season with a four-game suspension for violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy. (A Raider with a drug problem? Go figure.) Dominic was released in 2008, two days after the Raiders picked up running back Darren McFadden in the 2008 NFL Draft. Al Davis=FAIL.

NAME: James Posey
WON WITH: Boston Celtics, 2008 NBA Finals
CONTRACT: 4 years/$25 million with New Orleans Hornets
GOOD MOVE?: Looking for more money after the 2008 NBA Finals, Posey opted out of his contract with the Celtics to ink a deal with New Orleans. Posey would prove to be a good role player and a nice addition for the Hornets, but ultimately wasn’t enough to get them out of the first round.

NAME: Dave Roberts
WON WITH: Boston Red Sox, 2004 World Series
CONTRACT: 1 year/$2.25 million with San Diego Padres
GOOD MOVE?: The player credited for sparking Boston’s historic comeback in the 2004 ALCS against the Yankees, Roberts made a good addition to the Padres…that is, until they acquired Mike Cameron from the Mets and moved Roberts to left field. Dave would spend one season with the Padres before moving on to the Giants. He’ll always have that stolen base, though.

NAME: Larry Brown
WON WITH: Dallas Cowboys, Super Bowl XXX
CONTRACT: 5 years/$12.5 million with a $3.5 million signing bonus with Oakland Raiders
GOOD MOVE?: Using his title as Super Bowl MVP, Brown was able to steal ink a well-paying contract with the Raiders. However, Brown was suspended and benched for the majority of his Raider tenure, playing a meager 12 games over the course of two seasons before being released from his contract early. Al Davis: FAIL.

NAME: Iván Rodríguez
WON WITH: Florida Marlins, 2003 World Series
CONTRACT: 4 years/$40 million with Detroit Tigers
GOOD MOVE?: Pudge had an extremely successful four years with the Tigers. Despite being outed as a steroid user by former teammate Jose Canseco, Rodríguez was able to overcome controversy to maintain his stellar stats as a rock-solid catcher (ayo!). He was traded to the Yankees in 2008 and currently catches balls (ayo!) for the Astros.

NAME: Bobby Bonilla
WON WITH: Florida Marlins, 1997 World Series
CONTRACT: 4 years/$5.9 million with Los Angeles Dodgers
GOOD MOVE?: Bobby Bo’s stay with the Dodgers was cut short when he made headlines by lashing out at Tommy Lasorda, saying he was an intimidating and unwelcome presence in the locker room. Nice one, Bobby.

NAME: Rob Scuderi
WON WITH: Pittsburgh Penguins, 2009 Stanley Cup
CONTRACT: 4 years/$13.6 million with Los Angeles Kings
GOOD MOVE?: Time will tell whether the hard-nosed defenseman made the right move for his career. We will say this, though: Living in L.A. beats the fuck out of living in Pittsburgh.

Yesterday the league approved four new rule changes, including a brand new “Tom Brady Rule” (not to be confused with the one made up on the spot for him a few years ago) that prohibits defenders who have been knocked to the ground from lunging at quarterbacks (meanwhile Bengal fans ask where’s their “Carson Palmer Rule”). But before all you hating-ass haters start thinking TB’s getting some kind of preferential treatment, know that he’s not the first athlete to have the game changed for him. Peep our guide to the 10 Plays and Players That Sparked Sports Rule Changes…

THE PUNCH, 1977

• After L.A. Laker Kermit Washington’s infamous right hook to Houston Rocket Rudy Tomjanovich’s jaw on December 9, 1977, the NBA mandated that any player throwing a punch be expelled from that game and, at minimum, be suspended for his team’s next contest. Not that that’s stopped about half the NBA from taking swipes at each other since.

THE AVERY RULE, 2008

• During last year’s NHL playoffs, the New York Rangers’ Sean “Sloppy Seconds” Avery camped out in front of New Jersey Devils’ goalie Martin Brodeur and proceeded to throw a hissy fit in an effort to distract him during a NY power play (it worked). The very next day the NHL enacted a new rule essentially banning players from repeating Avery’s 11-year-old-on-four-dozen-pixie-sticks routine. Although they are apparently allowed to repeat his hockey-player-on-[INSERT CANADIAN ACTRESS' NAME HERE] routine.

THE TRENT TUCKER RULE, 1990

• With 1/10th of a second left to play in a tie ball game between the Knicks and Bulls on MLK Day 1990, New York guard Tucker caught an inbounds pass and heaved a nothing-but-net three-pointer to win the game. The Bulls protested, but the play stood. The rule was subsequently changed to allow only tip ins on plays where fewer than 3/10ths of a second remained on the clock. Gaining a more than adequate matter of revenge, the Bulls would dominate their rivalry with the Knicks through the ’90s.

BOB GIBSON, 1968

• The pitcher who put the b’s, a’s, d’s and s’s in “badass” so thoroughly dominated the National League in 1968 that Major League Baseball lowered the pitching mound before the ‘69 season. He then put the “so” and “what?” in “so what?” and proceeded to mow down the NL again in ‘69.

EDDIE GAEDEL, 1951

• Gimmick-loving St. Louis Browns owner Bill Veeck signed the 3′7″ Gaedel in August of ‘51, and filed the 26-year-old dwarf’s contract with the league on a Friday afternoon, knowing that it would not be examined until the following Monday. Gaedel appeared as a pinch hitter in a game against the Detroit Tigers that Sunday, August 19, and walked on four pitches prior to being removed for a pinch runner. Gaedel’s contract was voided the following day and the American League started examining new player contracts a little more regularly. (Incidentally, Gaedel suffered from a bad case of being typecast, started drinking, and died at age 36 after getting beaten up in a barroom brawl. So all’s well that ends well.)

THE ROY WILLIAMS-HORSE COLLAR RULE, 2004

• The Cowboys safety tackled Terrell Owens by the back of his jersey in a December, 2004 game, breaking the wide receiver’s ankle. The next year, so-called “horse collar” tackles were banned; amazingly enough, pony cuff, goat hem, flea inseam and various other animal-tailoring takedowns are still legal.

THE HOLY ROLLER, 1978

• About to be tackled during the waning moments of a Chargers-Raiders game, Oakland QB Ken Stabler waived his right to the tuck rule and fumbled the ball forward. It was subsequently batted and kicked by various Raiders before Oakland tight end Dave Casper landed on it in the end zone, scoring the winning touchdown. The league later disallowed the offense from advancing a fumble in the last two minutes of each half, leaving the current tally for disputed calls involving the Raiders at Silver and Black: 1; everybody else: 15,476.

THE LEW ALCINDOR RULE, 1967

• In an attempt to reign in the dominance of Lew Alcindor, college basketball banned the dunk after the 1967 season. Alcindor later changed his name to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar because pork is a dirty meat; the NCAA later changed their rule because it was really fucking dumb.

LENNY RANDLE, 1981

• While playing third base for the Seattle Mariners, Randle attempted to blow a slowly hit ball into foul territory. MLB later enacted a rule preventing players from changing the path of batted balls even if they didn’t actually touch them. Of course Randle was already famous for punching his manager, so he was something of a trailblazer on a couple of fronts.

THE MARTIN BRODEUR RULE, 2005

• Prior to the 2005-06 season, the NHL instituted a rule prohibiting goalies from handling the puck behind the goal line, except in a trapezoidal box behind the net. The rule was meant to stymie Devils’ netminder Marty Brodeur and his propensity for taking the puck on long walks and reading it James Patterson novels, thereby making hockey just that much more inscrutable for casual fans.

*BONUS FUTURE RULE CHANGE*

KERLON AND THE SEAL DRIBBLE

• Honestly, we love this guy, but they’re going to have to outlaw his Sea World act before somebody clubs his ass to death, Canadian pelt-hunter style.

Special thanks to the SSSL for research assistance!

This past weekend marked the beginning of the NFL free agent season and also featured the league’s first blockbuster trade of the year. With Tom Brady set to return from his knee injury, the New England Patriots sent his replacement, Matt Cassel, as well as longtime linebacker Mike Vrabel to the Kansas City Chiefs for their 2nd round pick in this year’s draft.

There are all kinds of arcane and not-so-arcane salary cap reasons that Pats coach Bill Belichick made the trade, but anyway you slice it, he gave up a lot more than he got, a fact made all the more juicy for conspiracy-minded fans by current Chiefs general manager Scott Pioli’s former gig as New England’s vp of player personnel (a.k.a. Belichick’s co-architect in the making of the Pats’ dynasty). At the very least, the whole thing doesn’t pass an initial sniff test, but it’s not the first iffy transaction, as you’ll see in Complex’s list of the 5 Shadiest Deals in Sports History.

#5. 1920: THE BOSTON RED SOX CURSE THEMSELVES

• The 1920 swap of Ruth for a bucket of cash is the most famous, but between 1918 and 1923 the Sox and Yanks made more than half a dozen trades, most involving players moving to New York and various amounts of greenbacks heading to Beantown. The Sox had an owner who preferred producing Broadway plays to producing winning baseball teams and as a result, Boston went from a club that won the World Series in 1918 to one that averaged 100 losses for eight seasons, gifting their arch rivals plenty of ammo for their run of dominance along the way.

#4. 1988: “NO, CANADA”

• Whether he jumped or was pushed, the ‘88 deal that sent the greatest hockey player of all time from the Edmonton Oilers to the L.A. Kings for $15 million in cash and a bunch of draft picks was undoubtedly one of the most dubious in the history of professional sports. Kinda like the Christians trading Jesus to Hindus for a bunch of good karma.

#3. 2008: THE GRIZZLIES HAND THE LAKERS THE WESTERN CONFERENCE TITLE

• Pretty much every trade in the NBA qualifies as shady these days, but the exchange of the All-Star Pau Gasol for a couple draft picks and a bunch of not even spare parts (Kwame Brown!) was one that arguably handed the Lakers a ticket to the Finals last year. Of course L.A. couldn’t seal the deal in June because of the next entry on our list.

#2. 2007: KEVIN MCHALE GIVES DANNY AINGE AN ASSIST

• Yeah Kevin Garnett was sick of being in Minny and yeah, the T’wolves got Al Jefferson, but you’ve gotta be wicked naive to think there wasn’t a little wink-wink nudge-nudge when McHale shipped KG to his former teammate Danny Ainge. McHale saved Ainge’s job; in return, he probably signed his own pink slip.

#1. YESTERDAY: THE OWNER OF A TEAM NAMED “A-ROID FOR LIFE” DESTROYS THE INTEGRITY OF FANTASY BASEBALL

• Hypothetical situation: you’ve got an old fraternity brother who goes and marries a real turd of a blond bimbo, then invites said bimbo to join your longtime fantasy baseball league, whereupon blond bimbo takes Albert Pujols with the first pick in the draft and promptly trades him to her hubby for BARRY FRICKIN’ ZITO because BZ is “dreamy.” Not-so-hypothetical response: Steve, you’re no longer in the wedding party and we want that stupid china tea set we bought you and Michelle back.

Hallelujah! Thank God! Praise Jesus! Tim Tebow, the Bible-beating star quarterback of the national champion Florida Gators, is stiff-arming the NFL to play his senior season! After God willed UF to win the Bowl Championship Series title game against the Oklahoma Sooners last Thursday, Tebow, a two-time national champion and the first player to win the Heisman Trophy as a sophomore, could have said, “Later Gators! God wants me to get paid in the pros!” Instead, he’s staying in school, ostensibly to compete for back-to-back titles and graduate.

Complex knows there was much more to his decision than the desire to get an education and get his Gators another championship. Read on for the five reasons we think Tim Tebow is really returning to the college ranks…


ERIN ANDREWS
• ESPN’s Erin Andrews, the hottest female sports reporter in the game, is a onetime member of Florida’s basketball dance team “the Dazzlers” and remains a huge Gator fan. She doesn’t cover pro football, though, so the only way Tebow can soak in her sunny Florida fanaticism and share a mic with her is to keep playing college.

CONVERTS
• Not content to merely believe in God, Tebow wants to spread his faith to others. Hey, did you know that he spent last summer as a missionary converting Filipino heathens? Did you also know that he writes biblical passages like “John 3:16″ on his eye black so fanboys and girls will Google the meaning? (It’s either that or the time he wants his jumpoff John to roll through for a booty call.) College'where impressionable individuals go to accept Christ as their savior and/or be pressured into doing keg stands and gangbanging the offensive line!

STAR STATUS
• Tebow is a star and a threat at the collegiate level because he can throw (kind of) and run (well enough for a white boy). While this makes him excellent in college, all it means in the pro ranks is he’ll be one of the most athletic water boys the NFL has ever seen.

LADY PROBLEMS
• While Tebow is college football’s biggest star, nobody is touching his DD-licious chick. But what happens when he’s a third-string fullback and nobody cares about what he did against college boys who hadn’t started regular steroid cycles? You can bet his NFL teammates will run blitzes at those breasteses all day and, despite all Tebow’s talk about faith and fidelity, that chick is getting sacked for a loss.

COLD FEET
• Right now, Tebow couldn’t get any hotter. Figuratively, he’s the biggest thing in college football. Literally, he plays in steamy Gainesville, Florida, where the two’s are out year round. When he goes pro, there’s a good chance he’ll end up warming a bench in a blistering cold outpost somewhere. You try keeping water at the perfect temperature for teammates when it’s 30 degrees below zero.

Thanksgiving is a holiday stuffed full of wonderful traditions'getting sloppy drunk at 10 A.M., inducing a coma with mass quantities of turkey and snapping wishbones in the hopes that we’ll get to put our face in Kim Kardashian’s donkey butt this year. One tradition that has no place in this mix is the NFL forcing football fans to watch the Detroit Lions get their tails whipped in a nationally televised game. Excluding 1939-1944, the Lions have been hosting T-Day games since 1934, but that doesn’t mean they should continue to even when they suck (the same goes for the currently decent Dallas Cowboys, who’ve been hosting since 1966 with the exception of 1975 and 1977).

The NFL added a third game in 2006 to counterbalance the wretchedness of its traditional games, but why not just use Thanksgiving to showcase teams that are actually good? Detroit hasn’t been in the playoffs since 1999, their current team is 0-11 and they’re playing the mighty 10-1 Tennessee Titans tomorrow (the 7-4 Cowboys face the miserable 2-9 Seattle Seahawks in another game that will put viewers to sleep faster than tryptophan). Traditionalists hate the idea of ever dumping the Lions or the Cowboys, but those assholes also think slavery and child abuse should have been preserved. So, this Thanksgiving, instead of trying to make our Kim K ass fantasies happen, we’re wishing for good football (to watch from the comfort of her donkey butt). Read on for five more horrible sports traditions that Complex wants to put an end to…

Offensive Native American Mascots And Chants
If not for the Native Americans who brought food to the Pilgrims to prevent them from starving to death in the New World winter, this country probably wouldn’t exist. Think about that the next time you dress up like a brave and do the Tomahawk Chop. If you still think it’s cool, you deserve to get your ticket scalped.
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Racist Fan Taunts
It’s 2008, worldwide fans of every sport from cricket to basketball still regularly taunt black players with monkey noises. Word to Axel Foley, somebody needs to stick a banana in their tailpipes.
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The American League Designated Hitter Rule
For supporting a ridiculous rule that masquerades as baseball and allows pitchers to bean batters and never face return fire, we place our balls squarely on MLB’s chin.
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All-Star Games
Professional sports leagues can attempt to attach meaning to their artificial, half-assed, weekend-long celebrations of excellence (and ignorant fan voting) but the only significant thing to come out of them is child support payments for groupies, strippers and call girls.
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The BCS Rankings System
Why determine the best college football team in the nation with playoffs when you can preserve uncertainty with a nutty selection system based on polls and computer number crunching? Seriously, the last time someone put so much effort into something everyone hated so much, it was called The Phantom Menace.

It’s every little boy’s dream to one day play in the NFL, then get arrested for moving weight (no dumbbell). On Tuesday, former Denver Broncos running back Travis Henry fulfilled his dream when the Drug Enforcement Agency arrested him for allegedly taking part in a cocaine deal, serving as the money man for a multi-state drug ring.

If convicted, he faces a $4 million fine and a minimum of ten years in federal prison (Note to other RBs: That’s NOT what your coaches mean when they tell you to hit the hole). Much to the chagrin of the No Fun League, Henry is not the first pro to get wrapped up in the dope game. Check out all the league’s Most Valuable Drug Kingpins below…

MERCURY MORRIS

This member of the undefeated 1972 Dolphins caught a bad L in 1982 when he was sentenced to 20 years in prison for attempting to sell cocaine to an undercover federal agent (his conviction was overturned in 1986). Not that we should have been surprised'everybody knows M&Ms are candy-coated.

JAMAL LEWIS

In 2004, the Baltimore Ravens running back got hemmed up for conspiring to possess and distribute five kilograms of cocaine and using a cell phone to make the deal happen. He spent four months in jail, then switched his cell phone service to a company that doesn’t snitch.

NATE NEWTON
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The former Dallas Cowboy lineman was arrested with 213 lbs. of marijuana in his van in 2001. Five weeks later, he was caught moving 175 lbs. of that mean green on the Interstate, and eventually sentenced to 30 months in federal prison. Hey, when a play fails, sometimes you gotta go right back to it.

DYSHOD CARTER

A former cornerback for the Arizona Cardinals and Cleveland Browns, he was arrested in 2007 with four other men after they tried to buy seven kilos of cocaine off an undercover DEA agent. His crew also had $104,000 and a loaded AK-47 on them, which could bring a charge of listening to waaay too much Cam’ron.

TROY HAMBRICK

In 2007, this former running back for the Dallas Cowboys and Arizona Cardinals was sentenced to five years in prison for selling crack to undercover cops on several occasions. Base? That’s not even the right sport, homie.

BILL ROMANOWSKI

The former Denver Broncos and Oakland Raiders linebacker never sold drugs, as far as we know, but considering all the rage-inducing steroids he took to keep up with black players, every hit he laid on someone was like doling out the juice.

SHERMAN WILLIAMS

In 2000, this former Dallas Cowboys running back was sentenced to seven years in prison for three counts of conspiracy to distribute marijuana and a separate plea for passing counterfeit currency. On the bright side, he said his time on NFL battlefields had toughened him up for prison. See, the NFL does prepare young men for life outside the lines!

BYRON “BAM” MORRIS

In 2000, the onetime Pittsburgh Steelers, Chicago Bears, Baltimore Ravens and the Kansas City Chiefs running back pleaded guilty to two counts of Federal drug trafficking, admitting he’d moved 100 kilograms of marijuana in the Kansas City area between 1998 and 2000. One yard at a time, just like his coaches taught him.

The New York Giants. The Washington Redskins. Giants Stadium, 7 p.m, NBC. Oh yeah, we’re ready for some muthafuckin’ football! Since 2002, the NFL season opener has kicked off on a Thursday night'in the past we’ve been ambivalent about the midweek start, but this year we’re ecstatic to have a respite from the Republican National Convention. (Of course the Republicans still fucked it up by forcing an early kickoff so the game doesn’t conflict with McCain’s acceptance speech…just pray for overtime!)

Like the Super Bowl, the Thursday night opener has become event television. To prepare you for the festivities, we’ve listed five things below for you to check for during tonight’s game…

#1: BAD PRE-GAME MUSIC

The NFL has enlisted Keith Urban, Usher, and Natasha Bedingfield to perform before the game, meaning its main fan bases are covered'rednecks, blacks, and closeted gays.

#2: ANNOYING GIANTS FANS

Expect loads of camera shots of smug, meathead Giants fans whooping it up in the stands. In the year after a team wins the Super Bowl, their fans go all Yeezy: You can’t tell them nothing. They get NFL bragging rights for a year. They get to wear those fucking lame “Champions” T-shirts. And their team kicks ass in Madden. Live it up while you can, Giants fans. [Ed note: This blog was written by a Redskins-stan]

#3: THE HELMET CATCH

…which leads to the next certainty: You will be seeing this fucking lucky-ass play replayed at some point tonight, and maybe in every Giants game for the entire season. [Ed note #2: Again, this was written by a Redskins-stan]

#4: A JASON CAMPBELL-TO-CHRIS COOLEY TOUCHDOWN

Why do we think this will happen? Well, we watched the Redskins fantasy football draft, and guess who Campbell picked as his TE? CHRIS COOLEY. You better believe JC’s gonna get his boy touches.

#5: ELI MANNING’S RETURN TO EARTH

It wasn’t so long ago'in fact, it was during last season'that Eli was getting booed at Giants Stadium. Sure, he redeemed himself big-time in the SB, but we’ve got the feeling we’ll be seeing the “Eli Manning Face” at least once tonight. The Palin family will undoubtedly be pulling for him, though.

COMPLEX PREDICTION: Redskins – 21 Giants – 13. HAIL! [Ed note #3: see Ed. Notes 1 & 2]

As a 24-year-old player in a league notorious for giving players non-guaranteed contracts and discarding them when their bodies have been destroyed by the game, it may be a stupid move, but it definitely shows he wears a size 5XL jock strap. Read on as Complex shines 10 tough NFL players who’ve shown testicular fortitude.

Click here to see the tough guys…

[Deadspin via The Dirty]

UPDATE: Waterford PR gave us a call back. They only make one ball with each Super Bowl team logo for approval by the NFL. The catalog shot on Macy’s is actually a Photoshop image. And the only costs they have to eat this time around come from trashing a few boxes of certificates of authenticity with the Pats emblem. We guess you don’t build a leaded glass empire without figuring these kinds of thing out in advance. That said, we know there’s at least one single Waterford Crystal football bearing a Patriot head and 19-0 lurking around an NFL office. Keep an eye on eBay.