It seemed like D.L. put more time into his outfit than his jokes, and D.A.G.’s writing team seemed like they haven’t left their homes since In Living Color was still on TV. That said, we think if CNN or Comedy Central really wanted to hear what the other half thinks about what’s going on in the world, there are a lot of other black comedians they should have called on….


J.B. SMOOVE
• While his role as Leon Black on Curb Your Enthusiasm was the first time many people saw the former back up dancer, Smoove has been putting in work for a minute, landing roles in films like Pootie Tang and Mr. Deeds, as well as winning a Writers Guild of America award for his work on Saturday Night Live. Once, when asked about his Leon character, Smoove said, “It's like he's got controlled Tourette's. In life, you need somebody like that.” Every news station definitely needs somebody like that. Someone that keeps ‘em honest with no bias and no bull. Word to Anderson and Campbell.

WANDA SYKES
• Even though she’s already had two failed television shows of her own, we think Wanda would kill it as the host of a news show. Why? Besides of the fact that she was awesome as a correspondent for HBO’s “Inside the NFL,” she used to work for the NSA right out of college and was chosen to perform at the 2009 White Correspondents’ Association Dinner. Performers from the past couple years include Craig Ferguson, Stephen Colbert and David Lettermen, all dudes who have successful shows…you seeing a connection here?

KYLE GROOMS
• If the people at Comedy Central want to reboot Chocolate News, they could very well tap Kyle Grooms to replace David Alan Grier. The Jersey Native would be perfect for all the skits since dude is an impersonation champ. Even though his mannerisms and voice resemeble Grier’s, his jokes and skits won’t harken back to the In Living Color days.

KATT WILLIAMS
• Even though Katt Williams supposedly retired from comedy after supposedly suffering a mental breakdown, we think the erratic comedian would do just fine behind the desk of a weekly countdown show, going off on all the silly shit that’s happened in the news. Which is exactly what most of his latest stand up special, “It’s Pimpin, Pimpin’” was. If you weren’t able to catch it, we suggest you watch his “Tink Tink” , “Tiger” and Cloned Meat.

PAUL MOONEY
• Without Paul Mooney, none of the aforementioned people would even be working. Richard Pryor’s main writer helped set the blueprint for most of today’s black comedians. One of our favorite Mooney characters of late was Negrodamus, where Mooney would give “answers to life’s most unsolvable mysteries.” Who better to make sense of all the craziness going on in the world today?

When news reporters hit the streets for live reports, they’re always vulnerable to public harassment. Cameras make people do stupid shit, and when you add alcohol and adrenaline to the mix, the stage is set for all kinds of on-air fuckery. The recent Spanish news clip of a soccer fan laying imaginary pipe to an unwitting reporter is just the latest example of a civilian manipulating a live news camera.

Whether out of anger, perversion or drunkness (or all three), on-air reporter attacks are always funny. That’s why we’re bringing you the best news-crashing moments on live television…


• Gay love > Wall St. crash.

• And she thought the “You guys know Apu?” joke would be a good icebreaker.

• Note how he dropped down and gave homegirl the shoulder lean.

• We thought you knew: Don’t fuck with the Hasids!

• You ever go drinking with a bunch of Australians? Never a dull moment.

• Sometimes you gotta side with the reporter. Sucks but dude got fired for this.

• Only George Michael would want to be accosted by this many drunken Englishmen.

• Dude was ready to start reenacting the first clip.

• The beauty of mob mentality…it’s funny with snowballs but when it’s a homeless dude getting beaten by skateboards? Well…still funny.

• Fast-forward to 1:14 for the good stuff. Is it any coincidence that most of these clips originate in the U.K.?

• She didn’t even miss a beat.

• You know that reporter is Lisa Evers from “Street Soldiers,” right? She probably shanked the dude off-camera.

• “Put that on the news!!!” Yeah, BITCH.

• The streets is hungry, kid! Protect your iPhone.

• Sometimes it seems like the news broadcasts actually want on-air fuckery to happen. C’mon, a live report on New Year’s Eve in Lake Tahoe? WTF you think is gonna happen?

• Anderson Cooper found this a little too funny.

• Last but not least: TELL THEM I SAID FUCK YOU!

In the never-ending idiot-fest that is network news, producers thought up the idea that having Black-Eyed Peas frontman Will.i.am. speak with Anderson Cooper via hollogram would be something interesting for the viewers. Sure we’re talking about it the next day, but a holographic Will I.Am, really CNN? We may have come a long way in how news is delivered, but there is still work to do. Read on to see this “feat of journalism” and our other top five lame network ideas producers are using to get more people to watch the news.

HOLLOGRAMS!

Here’s the actual video footage if you missed it last night. Will.i.am puts it best, “I’m being beamed to you like it’s Star Wars and stuff.” Truly visionary, we bet Fergie-Ferg is really proud of you.

FEMBOTS!

News Channels borrowed this one from the sports field. Have a pretty woman break the bad news, and it’s not so bad! Just imagine your d*ick in her mouth and its all good (too crass?). Anyway, networks, and Fox News in particular, have figured out that you can have a pretty woman talk about nothing, and people will still listen. Give up a half hour of Internet porn for Fox News’ Megyn Kelly, Jill Dobson, Julie Banderas, Courtney Friel, Jenna Lee, and Domenica Davis .

TOUCH SCREENS!
Again, just tell us the numbers. If it takes you five minutes, then great. We can get back to watching “I want to be Paris Hilton’s BFF.” No one cares how much functionality or how much money you have to waste our time with touch screens.

NEWS IN HD!

Speaking of Fox News, the O’Reilly Factor is about to get launched in HD. If you didn’t like this a-hole’s mindless right-wing rants before, wait till bring him into your living room in super high definition!

CURSE WORDS!

You can’t say the seven dirty words on network news, but you can always pretend it’s just a mistake! Cnn got all kinds of coverage and Youtube hits for telling the world what they thought of this cunt-tributor.

But how do they learn about these creative highs? The drugs that were once after-school whispers have become the subject of hysterical news reports and hit internet videos for all the world to see. The latest legal drug to blow up is Salvia, a mint-like herb that has come under fire after videos of people experiencing the drug’s high made it big on YouTube. Learn more about Salvia and 4 other perfectly legal narcotics that have been singled out by the media as a menace.

SALVIA (Salvinori A)

Historically used by shamans in Mexico, this leaf was once little known outside of ads in the back pages of High Times. But now, 13 states have banned it, thanks to the attention it’s garnered on YouTube. It is strong, and it makes you absolutely incapacitated and fucked up for a short period of time'kinda like a crack head, only you don’t try to steal things. This dude named Eric is the hero of the shit. Watch and learn.

WHIPPITS (Nitrous Oxide)

Remember seventh grade when the weed guy wouldn’t sell you anything and told you to go to 7-11 and by some whipped cream? Yeah we thought he was a sex freak too until we sat in on D.A.R.E. and learned about crackers. Even though the program is out of schools, don’t fret. Your fourteen year old’s interest can always be sparked by Fox News or Lohan. Whippits get you high. That’s why people do them. But its short, and doing them kills a ton of brain cells. Period.

COUGH MEDICINE (DXM)

Here’s a hypothetical:

News: “Attention parents: kids are using cough medecine to get high.”
Weezy, age 10: “Oh word?”
News: “Look to see if your child is walking around in slow motion, as if he is under water.”
Weezy, age 10: “I can’t wait to grow up. Ya digggg!”

Cough medicine will get you fucked up. Taking a large dose of DXM will cause you to trip, but the side effects often out-weigh the positives (R.I.P. DJ Screw). Prescription Coedeine, on the other hand, is a whole ‘nother story.

HUFFING AEROSOL (Inhalants)

Um. Unfortunately, being somewhat stuck up New Yorkers over here, we never tried spray-painting into a paper bag and sucking the fumes deep into our lungs. Apparently gold paint is the best because of all the extra chemicals in there, and by the looks of this guy, it works. Huffing is real, and it sucks. It kills your head, turns you into a redneck, and in the case of this chick, gets you on intervention. It exists as the lowest rung on the drug ladder so that you don’t feel too fucked up doing whatever drugs that you do.

JENKEM (Feces)

Here’s a perfect example of how the news can be more dangerous than actual drugs: Jenkem was reported by drug websites as a popular drug in American schools that was made from a urine and fecal matter concoction. If done right, the mixture had to be fermented for several days in a jar that was covered by a balloon, and then the contents of the container would separate and release a gas, which is captured in the balloon. “Inhaling the gas was said to have a euphoric high similar to ingesting cocaine but with strong hallucinations of times past.” The internet reports snowballed into local news exposés about the dangers of huffing shit, until it was later exposed as one out-of-control hoax. We just feel bad for the bored high-schoolers who actually tried it. Gross.

[BBC]

[TheMorningCall]

You Can Never Go Home Again: The Compton Sheriff’s department has asked the city to ban Suge Knight due to his alleged gang ties. Knight fired back, saying: “This is crazy…I’m a 42-year-old businessman, not a gang member. I don’t even live in Compton anymore . . .”

Stars, They’re Not Like Us: Busta Rhymes walks out of a New York City court with a mere three years of probation after pleading guilty to all kinds of assaults and traffic violations. Said Busta: “I just want to say that I’m very grateful to the judge, I’m very grateful to the system. I believe in the system. It hasn’t failed me personally yet.”

#1: Alicia Keys’ As I Am ain’t exactly flying off the shelves, but she’s topped the pop charts for the second week in a row. What does it take to be #1? A mere 61,000 records sold.

• Tipped off: The ATF executed a search warrant on recently featured Dirty South rapper T.I. He was arrested for trying to buy three machine guns and two silencers just hours before he was supposed to perform at the BET awards. Plus Clifford had more guns in the car. But jail didn’t stop the young rapper from netting two awards anyway.

• Reviewing Gotti: Here’s a review of Irv Gotti’s new reality TV series, Gotti’s Way. It follows the rap producer around as he deals with family and business problems from all angles, including an exchange with Ja Rule about making a monster hit.

• Naming rights: Crank this. Soulja Boy is being sued for allegedly stealing his name from a member of the 1990’s rap group Mo Thugs, he spelled it Souljah Boy with an “h.”

• Bad boy: Diddy allegedly smacked the crap out of someone in Soho which leads us to wonder why the hell dude even pays bodyguards in the first place. The rap mogul seems to have a recent spate of violent outbursts.