Blotto, blitzed, tanked, sloshed, wasted, plastered, corn-holed (gotcha!); New Year’s Eve ain’t the night for restraint (click here for Complex’s guide to Champagne). Which means New Year’s Day is the morning for hangovers. But it doesn’t have to be all porcelain hugging and making promises to God you won’t keep. Read on for our list of 9 sure-fire cures for the first (and hopefully worst) hangover of 2009…

CURE #9: PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE

How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Fuck if we know, we got hung up drinking Long Island Iced Teas in the Times Square Applebee’s. Seriously, you can’t cure what you ain’t got, so hopefully you did some intense training in ‘08 to prepare for the great binge of ‘09. Remember what your mother told you (before she ran off with Sir Osis of Theluver, R.I.P. D.F.W.): Alcoholics don’t get hangovers.

CURE #8: EAT A TUNA FISH SANDWICH WITH EXTRA PICKLES

Replenish your protein, Vitamin D and omega-3s with the tuna and get back some Vitamin C with the pickles. If you’re on top of things enough to get a little gourmet, add a slice of gruyere.

CURE #7: ALKA-SELTZER

If at all possible, avoid using pain relievers for hangovers. Acetaminophen (the active ingredient in Tylenol) teams with alcohol to basically gang rape your liver; ibuprofen (Advil) will do a number to your stomach lining. Alka-Seltzer’s not much better (its pain relief component is aspirin), but it works the fastest and has the added benefit of helping calm your stomach.

CURE #6: MENUDO

This one’s easy: roll out of bed and cue up a Menudo LP on your record player (they all work, but we especially recommend Los Fantasmas). If there’s a gun, knife or hammer handy, you’ll immediately kill yourself, bang bang, hangover cured. Menudo is also a traditional Mexican soup made with tripe that’s a great restorative. Unfortunately not so great a restorative that it will help you recover from the Ricky Martin-Menudo cure.

CURE #5: RU-21

Developed by the KGB so their agents could function the morning after epic games of beer pong with their American counterparts, RU-21 allows you to drink like a Russian (reduced life expectancy not included, we assume). We’ve even got a snappy slogan for ‘em: “Toss trifey a RU-486 and pop a RU-21 yourself!”

CURE #4: BULL’S EYE

Take a glass of orange juice, drop a raw egg in it and drink. Sounds gross, tastes grosser, but the protein x Vitamin C collabo is unmatched. And if you get salmonella poisoning from the egg, your simple hangover will seem like a mosquito bite.

CURE #3: SAUERKRAUT

Like the pickles in the tuna fish salad, a little vingarey cabbage helps restore vital nutrients. Not to be confused with a pissed off dude named Dieter.

CURE #2: GET BURIED UP TO YOUR NECK IN SAND

OK, so we’ve never actually tried this one, and it does seem like it’s a little more trouble than it’s worth, but apparently it’s an Irish tradition and they know a few things about drinking. We assume it’s easiest done with a hoe'make her dig, you dig?!

CURE #1: START DRINKING AGAIN

Hair of the dog, liquid breakfast, daddy’s little hand-steadier'whatever you call it, sometimes you’ve just got to dust yourself off and jump back on that horse (or fall off the wagon; feel free to use your own Oregon Trail metaphor). Go to the fridge and grab two cans of beer. Hold one against your temple; drink the other. Rinse and repeat. Do this enough and you’ll have plenty of the “practice” mentioned previously in Cure #9 by the time 2010 rolls around.

But if you’ve tried the “Premium Open Bar” trick before, then you know that the only way to spend New Year’s Eve is at a house party. If you’re invited to one, great. If not, go ahead and crash the one you hear going on upstairs. The only fee for entry is a bottle of the bubs. Below, we’ve created a handy little guide to the 3 perfect bottles of champagne for the 3 perfect parties. Happy New Year’s, homies!

If you’re going to some rich bitch’s party…

…then buy Veuve Cliquot (about $40)

The yellow label stands out immediately, and you will be commended for your gift and granted open bar privileges all night. At these types of parties the girls know their labels, and the yellow one says, “This dude has class, I’m going to let him drink my parent’s whiskey and have sex with my friends.”
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If you’re going to a real apartment party with real people…

…then buy Moet and Chandon White Star (about $35)

White Star is like the Veuve takedown. Trust us, save the five bucks and go for Moet. It will get drunk up immediately. Most of the people there are going to be mooching, so find the girl who’s party it is and bring this to her immediately. Bringing a bottle of champagne to this type of party says, “This dude has class, I’m going to let him do some of my coke and have sex with my friends.”

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If you’re hosting your own party…

…then buy Prosecco (ranges from $15-40 per bottle)

Having your own party allows you to dictate the majority of the alcohol present, so you can be a little more obscure with it. Prosecco tastes just like champagne, it’s cheaper, and the females present will think you are fancy. Don’t ask us why, but there is something about the word “Prosecco” that makes the ladies say, “That dude has some class. Now where is my underwear?”