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Relive The Celtics-Lakers In The NBA 2K9 Trailer

“Anything is possible and impossible is nothing when we make the impossible possible.”

Thank fucking God the Los Angeles Lakers didn’t win the NBA title. Not just because we’d have to put up with the league’s most annoying-ass fans, but ’cause we’d also have to deal with months of Laker-mania on ESPN, all over magazines, season previews, etc etc. Which brings us to this just-dropped teaser for NBA 2K9, which releases on Oct. 7.

The trailer that stars Paul Pierce reminds us of two things: (1) how much we love the super-consistent, super-dope 2K basketball series; and (2) how utterly satisfying it was to watch the Celtics stomp Kobe & Co. in the Finals. Watch virtual Odom and (racist) Gasol get sonned in the fresh NBA 2K9 trailer (the first of four) below…

Catching a New York Brick

The last game the Knicks won was a 113-89 smashing of the woeful Charlotte Bobcats (those cats do bob). In that astounding rout over a team that would get rocked by a girls’ college intramural team “All-Star” center Eddy Curry spent his precious 16 early minutes amassing 3 rebounds, 2 blocks, and 0 points. Which brings us to…the Eddy Curry Vagin-o-Meter.

The Cella Dwellas

NBA action, it’s fantastic! Seriously, no sarcasm here, the ’08 playoff run is shaping up to be one of the best in history. But while every team in the West picks up a Hall of Famer and the Celts, Pistons, and maybe Cavs fight it out in the East, let’s not forget the sad sack teams at the end of the pack.

NBA All-Star Odds

No defense, no passing, who cares? The NBA’s All-Star weekend combines the crass corporate schmoozefest of the Super Bowl (CEOs flossing expense accounts and drunken trophy wives) with the Sex for the Sport Of It atmosphere of an NBA team’s hotel lobby (even Shawn Marion gets laid). For those of us unlucky/sane enough to miss the festivities in person, here’s a quick betting guide for the weekend’s marquee events.

1-10: Odds that Shaquille O’Neal (or any other aging non-All-Star sitting courtside) has a ridiculously over-the-top response to a Dunk Contest slam that ain’t that cool

1-20: Odds that five dozen fans in the stands will hoist “10” signs over the heads based on Shaq’s reaction to slams during the Dunk Contest like so many meat puppets

Even: Odds that a player gets robbed for more than $50,000 worth of jewelry during the weekend

10-1: Odds that another player commits the robbery

3: Over/under on the number of fans that will be able to name all four contestants in the “Skills Challenge” come Monday.

15: Over/under on number of hurricanes consumed by Kwame Brown at the Bourbon Street T.G.I. Friday’s before he finally confronts Michael Jordan about MJ calling him a “flaming [rhymes with maggot]”

All-Sore Weekend

NBA All-Star 2008 Weekend is almost upon us! If that gives you a stiff one, piss off and suck it. While the league showcases its best and brightest stars in revitalized New Orleans, my New York Knicks look more like the post-apocalyptic Lower Ninth Ward (ask your wodies). Since there’s little greatness to celebrate, Zoloft-poppin’ Captain Knick is gonna give you his most recent causes for depression.

*MSG keeps inviting NFL champion New York Giants players to games, tricking fans into clapping for something. Fans are learning that it takes conditioning to jeer for 41 home games annually. There haven’t been respectable boos or “Sodomize Dolan!” chants in weeks.

*Stephon “Not an All-Starbury” Marbury should finally be winning his title: “Craziest Player of the Year.” His Unabomber-like retreat from society means it’ll probably go to Gilbert “Agent Zero” Arenas. How crazy can you be if you write a coherent blog? Steph is snake shit crazy. You ever even seen snake shit? Didn’t think so.

*Guinness recently named “franchise” center Eddy Curry–all 6-foot 11-inches, 285 lbs. of him–the world’s biggest pussy. Not even whale poon came close. Be sure to look for my “Eddy Curry Vagin-o-meter,” measuring his contractions, coming soon.