This is mostly a case of Ozzie being Ozzie, as most major league managers will back up their players by retaliating for hit batsmen. Still, it’s not often that a skipper will actually articulate his plans for revenge (much less double the ante), so not surprisingly, Guillen’s comments have gotten the attention of MLB’s disciplinarians. And of course Ozzie’s got our attention (we love to watch dude’s pound each other in the backside), so we looked back on Baseball’s 5 Greatest Retaliations…

5. PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES VS. L.A. DODGERS, 2008
• After the Phillies’ Brett Myers threw behind Manny Ramirez in Game 2 of the NLCS, L.A.’s Hiroki Kuroda buzzed Philly’s Shane Victorino in Game 3 setting off an epic punchless baseball fight. Funny how Manny always seems to be successfully restrained by his teammates.
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4. TAMPA BAY DEVIL RAYS vs. BOSTON RED SOX, 2006
• Notorious punk Julian Tavarez capped a long-simmering D-Rays/Sox feud with a sucker punch to Joey Gathright in an ‘06 Spring Training game. For two years the teams had exchanged purpose pitches, starting with Tampa hurler Scott Kazmir, who plunked Manny Ramirez and Kevin Millar in September 2004, just before Boston went on their historic World Series run. Tavarez received a 10-game suspension for his cheap shot on Gathright; the Rays would gain a measure of revenge two years later when they bounced a Tavarez-less Sox squad from the 2008 playoffs.
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3. NEW YORK YANKEES vs. TAMPA BAY RAYS, 2008
• Upset that he was given a girls’ name the Rays had knocked out a Yankees reserve catcher on a collision at home a few days before, Shelley Duncan slid into second with his spikes high in retaliation, spiking Akinori Iwamura setting off a bench clearing brawl. The Rays went to the World Series that year; Shelley is, sadly, still saddled with a chick’s name.
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2. NEW YORK GIANTS vs. BROOKLYN DODGERS, 1955
• Former teammates (as seen above), Jackie Robinson (left) and Sal Maglie (center) were playing for crosstown rivals the Brooklyn Dodgers and New York Giants, respectively, in 1955 when they set off one of the great series of retaliations in baseball history. Tired of Maglie’s brushback pitches, Robinson attempted to engage the Giants pitcher through a classic retaliatory maneuver: forcing the pitcher to cover first by bunting a ball to the first baseman and steamrolling said hurler at the bag. Problem was, when Robinson attempted the ploy, Maglie failed to cover first and Robinson instead ran over Giants first baseman Davey Williams. The next inning Williams’ teammate Alvin Dark got his revenge by turning a stand-up double into a run-over-the-third-baseman (who just happened to be Robinson) triple.
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1. DOCK ELLIS vs. THE CINCINNATI REDS, 1974
• It was more a pre-emptive retaliation, but Dock Ellis is such a shit-kicking badass he gets the no. 1 spot nonetheless. On May 1, 1974 in an attempt to inspire his teammates to his level of badassedness, Ellis began a game against the Reds by attempting to hit every Cincinnati hitter he faced. He got the first three (including future Hall of Famers Pete Rose and Joe Morgan), before the cleanup hitter was able to dodge his attempts and work out a walk. Ellis then tossed two balls at Johnny Bench’s head before his manager removed him from the game.
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BONUS WORST RETALIATION: SHAWN ESTES AND SEAN TRACEY (TIE)
• In 2002, Estes was a new member of the New York Mets and charged with retaliating against Yankee pitcher Roger Clemens for a beanball and broken bat Clemens had directed at Mets catcher Mike Piazza two years before. Estes earned an epic fail from Clemens-haters with a pitch that went behind Roger’s back. Tracey earned his own fail (not to mention a public humiliation) when he was ordered by Ozzie Guillen to hit Hank Blalock during a 2006 Spring Training game. Tracey didn’t have the heart (or possibly aim) to go through with the request, and ended up being publicly berated by Guillen and later demoted to the minors.

Turns out you can’t keep a good, fun-loving, dreadlocked, prima donna baseball player down for long (well, maybe if his estrogen is particularly low you could…). Currently serving a 50-game suspension for testing positive for a banned substance, the Los Angeles Dodgers’ Manny Ramirez finds himself a few votes short of making the Major League’s All-Star Game in July. He returns from his ban July 3 and the game is July 14, and there aren’t any rules prohibiting him from playing should he get enough fan votes to make it as a starter.

Not surprisingly, this has the dignitaries in the sports blahblahblah-o-sphere very indignant. And of course that’s produced a similarly predictable host of nose thumbers who’ve started an Internet campaign to get Manny elected just for the eff of it (get your contrariness on here). But this isn’t the first time voting irregularities have clouded an All-Star game, as you’ll see with our History of All-Star Selection Shenanigans…

1957: Cincinnati Fans Stuff Ballots, Elect 7 Reds Starters
• In the days before online voting, Cincinnati fans conspired to get seven Reds on the ‘57 National League All-Star team (though contrary to popular legend, this was not the cause of Joseph McCarthy’s death that spring). NL Commissioner Ford Frick evidently believed a couple guys named Willie Mays and Hank Aaron were more deserving of two of the spots, and he bumped Gus Bell and Wally Post from the starting lineup.

1999: Nomar and the Indians Shut Out Jeter
• With the Boston and Cleveland franchises making late pushes in the early days of online voting, Nomar Garciaparra beat out Derek Jeter for the starting nod at shortstop on the ‘99 American League All-Star squad (four members of the Indians would be elected, completely shutting out Jeter’s Yankees). Of course that year the Yanks were in the midst of a three-year title run, plus they’d get their own measure of All-Star revenge two years later (see below).

2003: Yao Ming Elected to Start His Rookie Year
• Yao was the NBA’s Rookie of the Month in December and February of his freshman season and garnered the fourth most votes for the All-Star game, most via online balloting in his native China. The only problem? His back-up was a guy named Shaquille O’Neal who was the reigning Finals MVP and in the midst of a season in which he’d average 27 points and 11 rebounds.

2006-2007: “Vote for Rory”
• Prior to the 2007 NHL All-Star Game, a fan in Upstate New York decided to start a campaign to get the Vancouver Canucks’ journeyman Rory Fitzpatrick (he of the nine career goals scored) elected. Fitzpatrick’s name wasn’t even on the official ballot, but after viral YouTube ads, not to mention a voting web bot, he was running in second place in voting for Western Conference defensemen—until huge chunks of expected votes for Rory disappeared. Many puckheads suspected a conspiracy.

2009: Canadiens Fans “Hab” a Ballot-Stuff Party
• With the help of web bots, Montreal fans attempted to elect six of their own to the All-Star Game in their hometown. They ultimately only got four of the six starters in, but the controversy again forced the NHL to reexamine their online voting protocols. Suggestion for League brass: Please type the letters that you see: “Hire an IT dude, stat!”

BONUS, NON-VOTING RELATED SHENANIGAN:

2001: Joe Torre Selects Seven Yankees
• For the ‘01 MLB All-Star Game in Seattle, New York Yankee manager Joe Torre decided to take along some traveling companions for the long trip to the West Coast—namely, seven of his own players. As the American League manager, Torre was allowed to pick his squad’s reserves after fans had voted on the starters. Since no Yanks made the starting lineup, Joe chose a septuplet of Pinstripers, including such immortals as Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera and…Mike Stanton.

Although Boston management may have been happy to see Manny go, there's no doubt that Sox fans are going to miss their resident quote-monster/hilarious-but-not-on-purpose power hitter. Manny’s gotta be psyched about his recent relocation, given all the fun shit he’ll have at his fingertips while playing in the City Of Angels…

1. WOMEN

Duh! To be fair though, MLB players don’t need to live in LA to sleep with Alyssa Milano. Boston has its one supermodel who comes to Boston for Patriots games and then goes home to F the QB (it’s like high school all over again). Los Angeles, on the other hand, practically invented the platinum blond/fake boob combo. Hot tub and late night pool invites in the hills are way better than any tea party during the playoffs in October.

2. WEED

On September 7th, 2002, in one of Manny’s first seasons on the Red Sox, he was asked to give a song to the audio department at Fenway that would play before he came out onto the field. Manny decided that that Styles P’s “Good Times (I Get High)” might be appropriate. You’re naive if you think Manny just “liked the beat” or some shit. Dude enjoys the greenery, and Cali’s sticky-icky (which is legally prescribed in L.A) is going to keep him high on more than just life.

3. CLIMATE

It snows in Boston. A lot. Going to a playoff game at home requires multiple layers. In Los Angeles, it is sunny. Sunny equals girls (See reason #1). That’s it. No contest.

4. GURUS

We all enjoy a little help in the spiritual/mental department, and there is no better place to find someone to follow you around and advise you on the best way to spend-your-money-while-still-being-in-touch-with-nature than Los Angeles. Manny is already a fan of The Secret, so this move into the Los Angeles scene should be seamless.

5. SOCIAL INTERACTIONS

Boston is home to Harvard professors, frat boys, and heavy drinkers who are done working on the Big Dig. Los Angeles has rappers, actors, the aforementioned chicks and gurus, and Jack Nicholson. What's better? Hangin' courtside at a Lakers game with the nutjob Nicholson, or with Benzino at a Celts game? Not even close.