Six-Word Recap: Complex chronicles a notable sporting event from the previous day in six words.

So what if the Lake Show beat the GSW last night—how about Young Spice’s 29 points and 9 dimes? Watch highlights of the game and add your own Six-Word Recap below…

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Six-Word Recap: Complex chronicles a notable sporting event from the previous day in six words.

Yup, Kobe got a new light-skinned agitator! Welcome to the club, Matt Barnes. See below for highlights of Orlando’s 96-94 defeat of L.A. and add your own Six-Word Recap in the comments…

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Six-Word Recap: Complex chronicles a notable sporting event from the previous day in six words.

Kobe got 39 but Wade got the dub as Miami beat L.A. in OT, 114-111. See highlights below and add your own Six-Word Recap in the comments…

• CLICK HERE TO SEE MORE COMPLEX SPORTS POSTS!

Six-Word Recap: Complex chronicles a notable sporting event from the previous day in six words.

See below for highlights of Memphis’ 95-93 victory over L.A. and add your own Six-Word Recap in the comments…

• CLICK HERE TO SEE MORE COMPLEX SPORTS POSTS!

Not everybody’s fit to twit, nitwits. If not a damn person on this earth has ever wondered what’s rollin’ around in your head, chances are you don’t need to fill us in. And if you are gonna share your every move and thought with the world, you and they had better be absolutely fucking fascinating, like Ron Artest, who we are now crowning the undisputed Twitter King after reading his updates from the last week.

Long before tweets, the NBA bad boy perplexed people by applying for a Circuit City job to get the employee discount, brawling with fans in Detroit, and starting a second career as a rapper just because he loves to rap. Most athletes regurgitate carefully rehearsed clichés, especially after they join a polished team like the Los Angeles Lakers, as Ron-Ron did this summer, but you can only expect the unexpected from QB’s finest, especially now that he can take you inside his mind, 140 uncut raw characters at a time. If you’re not following the man, you should be. For proof, just check out Ron-Ron’s 10 best tweets. He’ll show you how to do this, son!

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What proceeded was quite possibly one of the most awkward award acceptance speeches in sports history. Granted, Joey is normally relegated to back rooms of his father’s empire, so hopefully Papa Buss doesn’t feel the urge to put both him back on L.A. Sparks duty. But if he does, maybe he should check out these five other memorable (read: odd) sports award acceptance moments…

MARK MADSEN’S PARADE SPEECH, 2001
• Mark Madsen didn’t play much, but that didn’t matter to the Standford grad, he was just (a little too) happy to be there, as evidenced by his speech at the Lakers’ 2001 championship parade. The odd part wasn’t him flipping his speech to Spanish half way through—it is LA, after all. What was odd was the excited hesitation before he went into the Baha Men’s most famous chorus. We can almost see him going back and forth with his other Ivy league buddies debating whether or not he should do it or not.

JUAN PIERRE RAPS FOR JOY, 2003
• We’d be understating all the odds held against them if we said no one expected the Marlins to defeat the Yankees. But they did, in six games, at Yankee Stadium no less. The happiest Marlin, by far, was Juan Pierre, who was brought on that year from the Colorado Rockies. The outfielder was so ecstatic that a speech just wouldn’t do his emotions justice, so he rapped. Now, we’d once again be understating if we said Pierre’s rap was worse than a verse discarded from David Faustino’s rhyme book. But yeah, it was that bad.

MANNY RAMERIEZ WINS THE MVP, 2004
• Well, at least he looked at the camera.

MARK CUBAN CRYING OVER DIRK, 2007
• Mark Cuban loves Dirk Nowitzki, this we know. But we had no idea just how much he loved the German-born power forward until he won the MVP award after their crushing lost in the first round of the Playoffs. He was so choked up about Dirk that he barely made it through the speech, which was weird since it was just the MVP trophy and they just got eliminated. We kinda got the same feeling we did when Michael Jackson mistakenly thought he was getting an award for Artist of the Millennium back in ‘02.

TIM TEBOW WINS HEISMAN TROPHY, 2007
• What was more awkward? The short film that preceded his speech that equated Tim Tebow to the golden child—a gift from the heavens that overcame ever obstacle the great Lord placed in his path? Or, the actual speech where the home-schooled college star seemingly stopped reading from his prepared text and started gushing about the Gators and Jesus?

Like Shaq shooting free throws, NBA Commissioner David Stern is shitting a brick. All season long, it’s seemed a foregone conclusion that the renewal of the Boston Celtics-Los Angeles Lakers rivalry last year would be followed by a marquee match-up of the league’s two biggest stars, Kobe Bryant and LeBron James, in the 2009 NBA Finals. The Commish was no doubt creaming in his suit pants just thinking about it. The same goes for the folks at Nike and Vitamin Water, who’ve been churning out ads playing up the superstar showdown. That’s a lot of cream, and now somebody’s going to need to mop it all up, because Carmelo Anthony’s Denver Nuggets are knocking Kobe around in the Western Conference Finals like they want to pay him back for that Colorado rape trial and Dwight Howard’s Orlando Magic have pushed the Cavs to the brink of elimination in the East and made it look like King James got his crown from Burger King.

With a Cavaliers-Lakers Finals in doubt, the NBA suddenly has to scramble to sell alternative match-ups that are about as sexy as Chyna with a raging case of (manly) female gonorrhea. Though we enjoy seeing Puppetmaster Stern squirm when the magnets in the balls and his team of crooked refs fail to determine the outcomes of series, Complex wants other sports fans to know that all is not lost! Check out 5 awesome story lines that a commercial announcer could play up in an overly dramatic voice should LeBron or Kobe or both fail to make it to the trophy round. Keep the cream alive!

SUPER DUPED: DWIGHT “SUPERMAN” HOWARD VS. ALTITUDE!
• Faster than a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive! And able to leap tall buildings in a single bound! But how will our fearless hero deal with (gasp) shortness of breath in the Rocky Mountains?? Will he be able to muster the energy to swing his elbows at opponents’ heads?? Tune in and find out!

PORN OHS!: STAN “RON JEREMY” VAN GUNDY VS. KENYON “BRIAN PUMPER” MARTIN!
• It is the NBA’s dirtiest, darkest secret! For years, Orlando Magic coach Stan Van Gundy has been living a double life, panicking under the bright lights of NBA arenas and penetrating under the bright lights of porn sets as his alter ego, “The Hedgehog” Ron Jeremy! But a new man has emerged, playing ball in both courts! He is Denver Nugget Kenyon Martin, better known as Brian Pumper! With their secret identities revealed, who will embrace their true nature and go strong to the hole to sexually dominate the NBA Finals? Tune in and find out!

DIESEL FUEL: STAN VAN GUNDY & KOBE BRYANT VS. SHAQ
• Two men, divided by team allegiances but united by a mutual hatred for that super-sized prick, Big Shaqtus! Stan is nervously sweating the title Shaq bestowed upon him: Master of Panic! Kobe still can’t get the taste of Shaq’s ass out of his mouth! When Shaq Fu makes a courtside appearance in L.A. and gets a standing ovation (and several ovulation invitations), will they crumble before his mighty media sound bytes and passable rap skills or will they combine their bitching and moaning in a mighty whine that turns the Diesel into a puttering hybrid? Tune in and find out!

LADY LUCK: SASHA VUJACIC & SHANNON BROWN VS. COURTNEY LEE & J.J. REDICK
• The racial barrier has been broken! The ethnic divide too! Now, the gender barrier falls as WNBA superstars break into the biggest series in the once male-dominated NBA! Will Sasha and Shannon synch their menstrual cycles in time to stop Courtney and J.J. from becoming the first women to win an NBA title? Can Sasha find the right pant suit for her post-game interviews? Will the rash in J.J.’s vagina prevent her from contributing? Tune in and find out! (Oh, wait. They’re men? They just have girl’s names? Nevermind.)

SPLITTING HAIRS: CHRIS ANDERSEN VS. ANDERSON VAREJAO
• One name in common spelled slightly differently! That’s where the similarities end! Andersen prefers a spiky faux-hawk! Anderson likes long, curly Brazilian surfer style! When these two role players meet on the hardwood, it’s always a sticky situation (mostly because of the pomade)! Whose hair will emerge victorious? Whose fans will spend more on replica wigs? Who will win the NBA’s ultimate prize, an endorsement deal with Vidal Sassoon? Tune in and find out!

All year, sports pundits have been predicting that the Los Angeles Lakers would repeat as Western Conference Champions. Pardon us, but Complex doesn’t wash in purple and golden showers. That’s right, Kobe Bryant’s Lake Show is about to get canceled by Carmelo Anthony’s Denver Nuggets in the NBA Western Conference Finals.

We could provide myriad basketball reasons for this “upset” in the making, like L.A.’s inconsistent soft-batch style or point guard Chauncey Billups‘ infusion of calm, clutch shooting and leadership to Denver, but we’ll leave that to the professional sports reporters. Complex’s rationale is not based on hard data or statistics or other such nonsense, but on the priceless gold nuggets we mine in our minds. We pick winners like you pick boogers, so bet that mortgage money on it by the time the Lakers and Nuggets put the tip (off) in you tonight…

BEEF (WITH BROCCOLI)!
• There’s nothing like racial tension to unite a team of overpaid individuals. Before the Beijing 2008 Olympics Games, Lakers’ star big man Pau Gasol, his brother Marc and the rest of Spain’s basketball team gave themselves slanty eyes in a highly suspect advertisement—like offending Chinamen don’t mean slit to them. L.A.’s bench-warming Chinese guard Sun Yue has no doubt been stewing over it like lunch special #3 ever since, and with absolutely zero playing time to lose, look for Sun to rush the court during any Lakers-Nuggets scuffles and hit Pau with the POW! HIII-YAH! Gasol had better be ready to Peking duck.

D BE THUGGIN’!
• In the Nuggets’ semifinal series against the Dallas Mavericks, Kenyon Martin got into a war of words with Mavs billionaire owner Mark Cuban because he’d allowed fans to harass K-Mart’s mom and even told her that her son is a thug. To be fair, he is. Who but a thug could date Trina, “The Baddest Bitch,” and tattoo lips on his neck for her? Who on the Lakers is gonna have anything to say to him or be able to nullify his thug? Their Zen coach? The kid whose signature move is the literal teardrop? A dude named Lamar?

COLORADO GETS UP IN KOBE’S ASS!
• Ever since that whole rape trial, Black Mamba is shook to take it hard to the rim in Denver. Or even put it in the hole, for that matter.

TIGHTS SITUATION!
• The Nuggets can’t even get love on their home court! Game Four at the Pepsi Center in Denver is already controversial because it conflicts with a World Wrestling Entertainment event scheduled to take place at the venue at the same time (note: Monday Night Raw in Denver will not feature Kobe doin’ back door work on a hotel employee, pervs). WWE Chairman Vince McMahon refuses to move, and in an interview he put Stan Kroenke in a sleeper hold, saying the Nuggets owner wouldn’t have rented out the place if he’d actually believed his team would still be playing this late in the season. (McMahon then pulled out a Lakers jersey for him.) With an ass clown like McMahon (above, pantless) and even their own organization doubting, the boys in powder blue have all the incentive they’ll need to pull that pickaxe on fools and break stones.

WHITE-ON-WHITES!
• As everyone knows, NBA playoff series are decided by which team has the crazier white boy (we of course mean American white boys, who are generally raised to doubt themselves on the court and fear the original man, a.k.a. 75% of the league). This Lakers-Nuggets series comes down to two pale-faced forwards: Chris “Birdman” Andersen and Luke “Son of Bill” Walton. Birdman skies; Luke has about as much lift as his legendary dad, who still breaks a knee or ankle once every season. Birdman got kicked out of the league for two seasons for drug offenses so horrible that the league still won’t say what they were; Luke and his dad probably smoke pot listening to Grateful Dead bootlegs. Birdman is covered in (surprisingly decent) ink; Luke has Grateful Dead tattoos. We think you’ll agree that Birdman knocks Luke white out.

NBA housecleaning usually happens after the playoffs, but not for Lakers superstar Kobe Bryant and his wife Vanessa Bryant. Their former housekeeper, 48-year-old Maria Jimenez, has sued them, claiming they harassed and humiliated her and failed to provide the health insurance they’d promised her. While everyone thinks of Vanessa as a victim of infidelity, Jimenez paints a different, stinkier picture. She alleges that Vanessa verbally abused and demeaned her, once ordering her to “put her hand in a bag of dog feces to retrieve the price tag for [a] blouse.” (Note: We’re left to wonder if this is what Kobe meant when he told Marc Ecko that he doesn’t like dog shit.)

Legal proceedings will determine if any of this is true or just a woman’s attempt to get paid to shut up, but it wouldn’t be the first time an athlete had a crazy wife. With this mess in mind, Complex presents the six craziest athlete wives. And for anyone who’s about to go ape shit when they don’t see Craig Hodges’s wife Carlita (doused him with gasoline and threw lit matches at him) or Nick Harper’s wife Daniell (attacked him with a knife), we’re talking non-domestic abuse crazy. We’ve learned you can’t throw punch lines at crazy violent women without getting arrested…

SHERRIE DALY (JOHN DALY)

• Aside from allegedly attacking John with a steak knife in 2007, his fourth wife pleaded guilty to a federal charge involving a drug ring and an illegal gambling operation in November 2004 and was sentenced to a five-month prison term. She was already caught up in dirt as early as 1996 and met John in 2001, or we’d gladly make a joke about the alcoholic golfer’s liquid assets running low.

ANNA BENSON (KRIS BENSON)

• While Kris was pitching for the New York Mets in 2004-05, his ex stripper wife told Howard Stern she’d sleep with everyone on the team (including the ball boys) if her husband ever cheated on her, showed up to the organization’s Christmas party dressed like a cast member from XXX-Mas Cums Early and snidely said that Dominican General Manager Omar Minaya was putting together an all-Latino team. You know your wife is crazy when a professional baseball team that has dealt with scandals ranging from cocaine to steroids trades you because they can’t deal with her insanity anymore.

JANET JONES (WAYNE GRETZKY)

• This former actress and dancer won the lotto when she wifed the Great One in 1988. It turned out she liked games of chance a little bit too much, though. In February 2006, Janet and several NHL players were linked to a New Jersey-based sports gambling ring (the NHL forbids anyone associated with it to gamble). To her credit, she did try to shield Wayne from the scandal. For not snitching, we’ll just say she’s “crazy…in love.”

JACKIE CHRISTIE (DOUG CHRISTIE)

• Jackie stands by her man—literally. When Doug was playing for the Toronto Raptors from 1996-2000, his overprotective/suspicious/insecure wife accompanied him during interviews with certain female reporters to be sure there was no funny business. She also felt uncomfortable with female Raptors staffers having access to the players’ locker room, so Doug changed clothes in a separate locker room. As crazy as these practices are (and we haven’t even mentioned the wretchedly romantic hand signals or annual marriage ceremony), nothing trumps the time a young female fan in Toronto approached Doug for an autograph and a kiss and Jackie summoned the voice of Beelzebub and screamed on her. She shoots for three (sixes)…nothing but net!

BRENDA WARNER (KURT WARNER)

• Back when Kurt was with the St. Louis Rams in 1998-2003 and losing, his ex Marine wife used to call talk radio programs and bark on the media and Kurt’s coaches. Fine, but why’d she have to look like female Johhny Unitas while doing it?

Thank fucking God the Los Angeles Lakers didn’t win the NBA title. Not just because we’d have to put up with the league’s most annoying-ass fans, but ’cause we’d also have to deal with months of Laker-mania on ESPN, all over magazines, season previews, etc etc. Which brings us to this just-dropped teaser for NBA 2K9, which releases on Oct. 7.

The trailer that stars Paul Pierce reminds us of two things: (1) how much we love the super-consistent, super-dope 2K basketball series; and (2) how utterly satisfying it was to watch the Celtics stomp Kobe & Co. in the Finals. Watch virtual Odom and (racist) Gasol get sonned in the fresh NBA 2K9 trailer (the first of four) below…