Ron Artest gives you that funk, that tweet, that nasty, that gushy stuff.
Not everybody’s fit to twit, nitwits. If not a damn person on this earth has ever wondered what’s rollin’ around in your head, chances are you don’t need to fill us in. And if you are gonna share your every move and thought with the world, you and they had better be absolutely fucking fascinating, like Ron Artest, who we are now crowning the undisputed Twitter King after reading his updates from the last week.
Long before tweets, the NBA bad boy perplexed people by applying for a Circuit City job to get the employee discount, brawling with fans in Detroit, and starting a second career as a rapper just because he loves to rap. Most athletes regurgitate carefully rehearsed clichés, especially after they join a polished team like the Los Angeles Lakers, as Ron-Ron did this summer, but you can only expect the unexpected from QB’s finest, especially now that he can take you inside his mind, 140 uncut raw characters at a time. If you’re not following the man, you should be. For proof, just check out Ron-Ron’s 10 best tweets. He’ll show you how to do this, son!
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Last night, Kobe Bryant and his Los Angeles Lakers grabbed their 15th championship when they defeated the Orlando Magic in game six of the finals. Shocker? Not so much. If we were owners of the team, we would have had our Larry O’Brien Championship Trophy speech ready after Game 1. But that’s just us, we like to stay ever-ready like the batteries. Unfortunately, owner Jerry Buss’s son Joey must have thought they were gonna catch an L that night, because when he was handed the trophy, he seemed to be making up his emotionless speech as he went along.
What proceeded was quite possibly one of the most awkward award acceptance speeches in sports history. Granted, Joey is normally relegated to back rooms of his father’s empire, so hopefully Papa Buss doesn’t feel the urge to put both him back on L.A. Sparks duty. But if he does, maybe he should check out these five other memorable (read: odd) sports award acceptance moments…
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David Stern to Kobe and LeBron: Please don’t turn your backs on me!
Like Shaq shooting free throws, NBA Commissioner David Stern is shitting a brick. All season long, it’s seemed a foregone conclusion that the renewal of the Boston Celtics-Los Angeles Lakers rivalry last year would be followed by a marquee match-up of the league’s two biggest stars, Kobe Bryant and LeBron James, in the 2009 NBA Finals. The Commish was no doubt creaming in his suit pants just thinking about it. The same goes for the folks at Nike and Vitamin Water, who’ve been churning out ads playing up the superstar showdown. That’s a lot of cream, and now somebody’s going to need to mop it all up, because Carmelo Anthony’s Denver Nuggets are knocking Kobe around in the Western Conference Finals like they want to pay him back for that Colorado rape trial and Dwight Howard’s Orlando Magic have pushed the Cavs to the brink of elimination in the East and made it look like King James got his crown from Burger King.
With a Cavaliers-Lakers Finals in doubt, the NBA suddenly has to scramble to sell alternative match-ups that are about as sexy as Chyna with a raging case of (manly) female gonorrhea. Though we enjoy seeing Puppetmaster Stern squirm when the magnets in the balls and his team of crooked refs fail to determine the outcomes of series, Complex wants other sports fans to know that all is not lost! Check out 5 awesome story lines that a commercial announcer could play up in an overly dramatic voice should LeBron or Kobe or both fail to make it to the trophy round. Keep the cream alive!
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Kobe may want to light it up, but these aren’t kind Nugs, bro.
All year, sports pundits have been predicting that the Los Angeles Lakers would repeat as Western Conference Champions. Pardon us, but Complex doesn’t wash in purple and golden showers. That’s right, Kobe Bryant’s Lake Show is about to get canceled by Carmelo Anthony’s Denver Nuggets in the NBA Western Conference Finals.
We could provide myriad basketball reasons for this “upset” in the making, like L.A.’s inconsistent soft-batch style or point guard Chauncey Billups‘ infusion of calm, clutch shooting and leadership to Denver, but we’ll leave that to the professional sports reporters. Complex’s rationale is not based on hard data or statistics or other such nonsense, but on the priceless gold nuggets we mine in our minds. We pick winners like you pick boogers, so bet that mortgage money on it by the time the Lakers and Nuggets put the tip (off) in you tonight…
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Kobe and Vanessa Bryant’s house may not be squeaky clean.
NBA housecleaning usually happens after the playoffs, but not for Lakers superstar Kobe Bryant and his wife Vanessa Bryant. Their former housekeeper, 48-year-old Maria Jimenez, has sued them, claiming they harassed and humiliated her and failed to provide the health insurance they’d promised her. While everyone thinks of Vanessa as a victim of infidelity, Jimenez paints a different, stinkier picture. She alleges that Vanessa verbally abused and demeaned her, once ordering her to “put her hand in a bag of dog feces to retrieve the price tag for [a] blouse.” (Note: We’re left to wonder if this is what Kobe meant when he told Marc Ecko that he doesn’t like dog shit.)
Legal proceedings will determine if any of this is true or just a woman’s attempt to get paid to shut up, but it wouldn’t be the first time an athlete had a crazy wife. With this mess in mind, Complex presents the six craziest athlete wives. And for anyone who’s about to go ape shit when they don’t see Craig Hodges’s wife Carlita (doused him with gasoline and threw lit matches at him) or Nick Harper’s wife Daniell (attacked him with a knife), we’re talking non-domestic abuse crazy. We’ve learned you can’t throw punch lines at crazy violent women without getting arrested…
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“Anything is possible and impossible is nothing when we make the impossible possible.”
Thank fucking God the Los Angeles Lakers didn’t win the NBA title. Not just because we’d have to put up with the league’s most annoying-ass fans, but ’cause we’d also have to deal with months of Laker-mania on ESPN, all over magazines, season previews, etc etc. Which brings us to this just-dropped teaser for NBA 2K9, which releases on Oct. 7.
The trailer that stars Paul Pierce reminds us of two things: (1) how much we love the super-consistent, super-dope 2K basketball series; and (2) how utterly satisfying it was to watch the Celtics stomp Kobe & Co. in the Finals. Watch virtual Odom and (racist) Gasol get sonned in the fresh NBA 2K9 trailer (the first of four) below…
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