Hallelujah! So apparently the American Dream is alive and kicking again. What a relief. When CNN declared Obama’s historical victory, I was drinking $12 Obama-mamas and hitting on future Hillarys at some limousine liberal party in Midtown.

I couldn’t wait to hear Team Maverick’s concession speech. If Barack’s moto was “Yes We Did” I could only assume that McCain’s chant to America was “No You Didn’t!” While McCain tried to redeem his public image by bullshitting a masterfully crafted congratulations speech, I couldn’t help but imagine what he really wanted to say. So I thought I’d take this time to say it for him…

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN: Thank you. Thank you, my fellow white pro-Americans. Wow what a beautiful potential lynch mob we have here in anti-MLK Arizona! My friends, we have come to the end of a long journey of white supremacy, and frankly it scares me. The socialists, terrorists and African-Americans that comprise the Democratic party have spoken, and they have spoken articulately. (Boo) A little while ago, I had the humiliation of calling That One – Bill Ayers’ soulmate – Barack Hussein Obama, to mock him on inheriting this maverick economy that really shook up Wall Street. (chuckle, chuckle, chuckle)
CROWD: (chanting) “No You Did-n’t!!, No You Did-n’t!! No You Did-n’t!!”

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN: In a contest as racist as this campaign has been, his success alone is pretty fucking troubling. I was really hoping these old slurs I used to throw around in my younger years would resonate more with voters. But we’ve become anti-American Americans and now names like Barack Hussein Obama are being accepted as American names! This is outrageous. It’s names like John, Cindy, Sarah and Todd that are the backbone of our tradition!
CROWD: (chanting) “USA!” “USA!” “USA!”

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN: But this is an historic election, and I recognize the special significance it has for African-Americans and for the special pride that must be theirs tonight. So, African-Americans, if you’re out there listening all I have to say is “I don’t wanna hear shit about racial profiling anymore! We’ve become a nation of whiners!”
CROWD: [chanting] “NO MORE WHINING!”, “NO MORE WHINING!”, “NO MORE WHINING!”

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN: I’ve always believed that America offers opportunities to all who have investment from pharmaceutical companies. Senator Obama believes that, too. But we both recognize that though we have come a long way from the old injustices that once stained our nation’s reputation, we’ll still lock you the fuck up for the rest of your natural life if you ever try to sell pills to Cindy. I tell you it’s the pushers that make my baby get hifey!
CROWD: (chanting) “LOCK ‘EM UP!” “LOCK ‘EM UP!” “LOCK ‘EM UP!”

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN: A century ago, that tree-hugger Teddy Roosevelt invited Booker T. Washington to dine at the White House. This was taken as an outrage in many quarters of the country. And I’m proud to say that those same quarters of the country are precisely the states that overcame change and voted for me this evening!! Propelling my total electoral count to 43!!!
CROWD: “WE HAVE OVERCOME!”, “WE HAVE OVERCOME!”, “WE HAVE OVERCOME!”

Sincerely,

Senator John McCain

You already know everything there is to know about Presidential Candidates John McCain and Barack Obama and their VeePeez Sarah Palin and Joe Biden (seriously, you’ve watched almost every episode of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, The Colbert Report AND Saturday Night Live for like the past two weeks). Reading a few more propagandist leaflets while you wait on an historically long line to cast your vote will do you no good, so why not take the opportunity to pick up chicks?

With this in mind, Complex presents an analysis of all different types of female voters, from the far right to the far left, and how you can stuff their ballot box on Election Day. Fuck politics, it’s time to poll-a-trick!

Click here to find out about each type of girl you’ll encounter at the polls.

With that in mind, Complex brings to you one big blowout party hosted by renowned journalist Kevin Powell (former Real World: New York cast member). The festivities will go down at club Element in New York’s Lower East Side with music provided by DJ Beverly Bond, and DJ Misbehaviour. Until the biggest Super Tuesday ever, get hyped on the full flyer below…

In order to introduce the Maverick to the limited-edition T-shirt set (and restart his “suspended” campaign) we churned out a set of five McCain T-shirts that might have the Hypebeast crowd switching sides come November. Check the Old G. O.G.'s first range of tees below…

llustration By Sophia Chang

Once Upon A Time x McCain/Palin '08

Lemar And Dauley x McCain/Palin '08

Experimental Jetset x McCain/Palin '08

Supreme x McCain/Palin '08

BBC x McCain/Palin '08

But while he’s clearly wrong in his stance (his campaign’s acting hardbody because Zapatero pulled Spain’s troops out of Iraq when he was elected), there are a few things about Spain we wouldn’t mind wiping off the map…

STUPID CULINARY TRENDS

Tapas (aka, Tiny Piece of Food x Tinier Plate). Fish-flavored foam. Cooking chicken in a Ziplock submerged in warm water. Call us rubes, but we’ll stick with something you can actually chew.

STUPID TERRORISTS

The ETA, a Basque separatist movement, is like Spain’s version of those guys in Texas who want to become a state. Except they play dress-up, which makes them even more annoying.

STUPID VEHICLES

Mopeds? Who knows, maybe we’re wrong; maybe it really is the fastest way to get from the discotheque to the store that sells no deodorant.

STUPID SPANISH INQUISITIONS

“Hey, let’s spend 350 years torturing Jews and Muslims! And to top it off, let’s inspire Monty Python to create a skit that morons will be quoting during World of Warcraft marathons for 350 more years!”

STUPID RACISTS

We’ve said it before, but still: Awesome work, you gawky stinky patchy-bearded lovers of hairy women.